Ladies Take a Stand Instead of Coping a Squat

Some of you may be behind if you have not read my blog post Home Sweet Kernersville. The heading may have been deceiving to the material which I had posted inside. I often start off on one tangent and end on another. Sometimes I seem to blog in my blog. Trying to name it appropriately in order to determine the content can be difficult. I really should maybe just blog daily with one of my personalities instead of allowing all those crazy, loud, and spastic people to speak out into my blogs at once! I will try to make a suggestion to them the next time we are all together in the same place. Generally I take part in a ladies night and a few drinks with my girlfriends and all my personalities slowly make a showing before the night ends. I will be sure to mention it to them. Doubt it will do any good though. Quite a few of my personalities have a very rebellious and noncompliant attitude. They do as they please. Oh well.



Anyhow, back to what I was saying. At the end of that blog I mentioned the inability to manuever a nasty public restroom and the difficulties woman face. I made a suggetion for possibly using a portable attachable penis so that the ladies can enjoy the freedom of peeing while standing up as well. It would probably shorten the bathroom lines, cut out the toilet paper usage and may even reduce the amount of pit stops we have to make on the road if we have the ability to hang our UNIT outside the car window while in motion. Well little did I know that someone was already one step ahead of my thinking. A buddy of mine forwarded me a link to a YouTube video where some ladies have already invented such a contraption. Now I think this is an early model and can use some refining and of course some decorating and color but it is definitely on the right path. Check out this video and reconsider your vote on the poll above. We could be on to something. New Age. Not only can men drop trouser while camping and claim stake on a tree but we can walk up behind them and claim the same tree !!!!

For-Syke Hospital

Uhhhh....I have missed you guys! Seriously I would have rather been here bitching and moaning with y'all instead of having my blood drawn a million times, an IV in my arm, a needle in ARSS which burned like a mother ducker and my pee pee taken involuntarily. Uh huh! Don't it sound like I had a lovely week so far? Please do not complain to me about the pile of papers in your inbox on your desk. Right now I would rather sign up for repeated paper cuts between my fingers then have one more nurse say to me "on a scale of one to ten how would you rate your pain???" I just wanted to say "well Nurse Chainsaw why don't we test this 1 - 10 theory here and you allow me to take your ovaries and twist them into ten knots then tie them around your ankles and loop them around your ears while I jam a needle in your arse and a tube in your hula-hoop and you tell me on a scale of 1 - 10 how it feels. We can just go with your answer because I think it would accurately capture my 1 - 10 pain rating?"...... Oh wait Nurse Chainsaw its not done yet.......thennnnnnnn I want you to lay on this plywood that we call a bed for ohhhhhhh about 14 or so hours while we take your medical bill on a Sunday stroll down a highway with no exit ramp. Okay...........wait, wait, I know your in lots of pain but see I think we should release you to go home with some false diagnosis just so you can return a few hours later and be charged a delightfully fucking wonderful large stick up the arss second co-pay of $150.00 in one day which reserves you one more gloriously enjoyable second day on our wonderful Burgundy plywood bed again while we run around like clueless idiots who very obviously wasted 100k of our sperm donors money on medical school just to walk around in the cotton pj's they call scrubs and carry the almighty clipboard. If you are lucky one of the actual Dr's will eventually need to come out for fresh air, so he will remove his head from his arss and visit your room for 1.5 seconds to give you some bull about some test results they are waiting on. Then Dr. Dumbass will push on your tummy a few times and ask you for the 2,545,098TH time where the pain is located and how long has the pain been going on???? Oh and most importantly they will ask you the one very well thought out question which could make or break a Dr's diagnosis. You better get the answer right on this test because it is the difference between relief or ten more hours of false labor to a mule..........wait, you ready for it "On a scale of 1 - 10 how would you rate your pain?"

#$%($&%$(#&%(#$&%(@#$(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sooooo my Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were not a lot of fun. Today was my mental recovery day as well as physical recovery. I am still having flashbacks of not just the physical pain from this week but the mental stupidity I got to discover in our local hospital which just basically arss raped my insurance company and me out of a bunch of moooo-lah to make a diagnosis that could have almost been written on my stomach and they would have missed.




All in all.....it has been an okay week. :) What about y'all? Anything new?

Home Sweet Kernersville

I have so neglected my blog this weekend. I am sorry. I took a weekend for myself. I was out of town for the most part of it and returned extremely exhausted from an overload of F-U-N. Everyone needs this from time to time. :) A couple of days is enough for me though. I was home sick by yesterday afternoon and missing the babies. So I am home now. We went out to Roanoke Friday night and ventured out downtown that night. It was so adorable. Everything was located in one square and you could walk from one venue to another and each offered something different. You had your typical flip flops bar which is always fun and then there was the upscale little dance bar located up some extremely skinny winding steps. Being from the legal profession all I kept thinking is "Wow that must be a liability". Not sure spiral winding skinny steps are a good match with drunk silly 4 inch high heeled chics? Somehow I see a neck breaking moment there. The last little bar we went to was full of all the fun drinking songs that everyone likes to sing off key to the top of their lungs with all their buddies. I participated in a very fun and over the top version of "Oh Mickey your so FINE!!" Yup. I did the silly little jig as well. I finally learned the cupid shuffle. Oh yeah! Now I am up to speed with all the club goers! I got this! The night was great. Sorry I do not have any HellCaT bumping her head or busting her arss moments to share. I was behaved Friday. I can tell you that when I got back to the room I was so darn hungry! We heated up some steak that was leftover from earlier and I had no silverware. Eeeh I think at 2 am after a few drinks that you are officially allowed to devour a steak with your hands. Who needs manners and etiquette that late at night? That steak had no chance. I creamed it in less than thirty seconds. As a fun cute buddy of mine says "I Crrrrushed it!!!"

We left late yesterday afternoon to come home. We definitely considered another night but I think we were both ready to be home and sleep in our beds. I was kind of missing my numerous battles with Brooke. Figures huh? It was quite nice little drive home. I love curvy roads through the mountains. The only thing that was not so lovely on this trip home was the Sheetz bathroom I had to try and conquer just to take a tinkle. Uh yeah. I could not even explain the smell of that bathroom. It was the type of bathroom you walk into and you are holding yourself because you are scared if any of your body happens to touch anything in that bathroom that it will turn green and rot off. I finally made it to one stall that was not ran over with human waste and assumed the position of the leg squat position over the toilet as to not DARE allow my hiney contact with that nasty germ infested white rotting bowl! This was the only time in my life that I have experience PENIS envy. Oh how nice it would be to be able to stand and piss at that moment. I mean really boys you have no clue how good you have it! Between being able to write your name or whatever you want in the snow with that thing to never having to come in contact with a nasty, NASTY toilet bowl at some rest step is almost all the selling points you need on those things. Some genius should come up with a portable version of them for woman. Something attachable. I can see the marketable selling line now "Never Squat again - Just snap on and enjoy a germ free pee" Of course for us ladies they would have to come in different colors and styles to match our purse and shoes. I am sure they would even start making different sizes too. This would probably be the only new product on the market where size does matter and compact is not an option. Ok, whoa! I went way off track here. Geez my little brain seems to jump tracks a lot.

I am done now. I cannot say sweet dreams this time. It is lunch time! So happy Sunday everyone.

XXooXX

What a Goo-B-eR I am!

To start my day off today I knocked a whole glass full of that wonderful sinful nectar called soda into my keyboard, lap and important papers which I am using for trial prep on the annoying case discussed below a few blogs. The case that has the endless penis fighting. It was awesome. I was also holding on the phone at the time this happened. To make matters even more wonderful at the very moment that I drenched everything the lady I had been holding for FOREVER picked up the line to a big ole loud "ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!" from my expectedly foul mouth. Yeah. Needless to say I hung up before I even tried to explain that I was calling to file a notice of designate mediator a day late (thanks to plaintiff's counsel). I figured I would try that call again a bit later. This was so much fun to clean up too. Definitely a whistle while you work moment! It is almost impossible to get soda out of a keyboard. I literally could have flipped my keyboard over and drained it into my cup and had a whole soda again. Geez! This was not the end of my total TARD moment. I was trying to get the soda out of my extremely sexy but now drenched with sticky Pepsi black high heels. They were located a little ways under the desk along with lots more soda on the floor so I had to crawl half under the desk when someone walked in and called my name and I popped up slamming the top of my frecking noggin on the underneath of the desk which caused my jaw to slam closed on my tongue. &#$*##)($#)@@&!^!!!!!!!!! Uh huh....more curse words and now I am hopping around holding my jaw with a swollen tongue and soaked in soda. My colleague got a good giggle out of it. That was all before 9 this morning. Oh well! Maybe I should have chose Coca Cola!! :) My day was loooooongggg and I finally got out of my office around 7:30 tonight. I was in such a daze. The drive seemed to take forever tonight. I think I left my smarts at the office too. I pulled up to a RED FLASHING LIGHT at a four way stop. Do do do do do do! I sat there forever waiting for the RED FLASHING LIGHT to turn GREEN. Um, yeah.....four way stop. RED FLASHING LIGHT. Geez Catrina!!! What is wrong with you? That light is never going to turn GREEN. It is not supposed to turn GREEN. I enjoyed a laugh at myself that time and zoomed on through. I am finally home safely! Yay......................Sweet Dreams!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

We are sorry to interupt your regular programing at this time but HellCat's Meow is experiencing some techincal difficulties with her frecking internet company!!! Some BEACH!!!!Think happy thoughts. Happpppy thoughts.



Here are a few random updates for ya. I gave up on Brooke sleeping in the big girl bed! Yup. Completely. I was struggling with my child Sunday night and realized I was in for another long night of fighting when low and behold a light shined down in the corner of her room onto her PACK & PLAY (play pin for those who have not procreated yet) and pretty sure I heard little angels singing!! I completely forgot about this thing! Seriously it finally popped into my head at that moment that Brooke is not old enough nor ready for the big girl bed. Also I realized that I have an option! I pulled it out and began trying to remember how this contraption goes together. I struggle with these things and needless to say my nine year son is normally how everything is put together in our house. Sooo the whole time Brooke was leaning over me saying "oooo, wats that?" I was thinking "mawhahahaha!" I set it up and then victoriously enjoyed confining Brooke to bed without the ability to escape. Ten quick minutes of crying and she was out. That was it. I have been using it all week. I guess we will try the big girl bed again in a few months.



Oh here is an odd bit of useless information about me. GOOBER is my new favorite word. It is just so fun to say. Goober. Goooooober. Goo-b-ERRR! Admit it. You like the word too. You know what else is awesome about Goober is that it has different caliburs of STUPIDness that it stands for and only you know in your head how Gooberish you feel someone is being. Just another way to tell someone nicely that they are a dumb ducker!!



Ok! I hate to post and run but I admit to not having anything prepared due to my busy schedule with work and starting back school next week. Also I am cutting this short for the safety of my laptop who poor thing seems to get the brunt of my frustration when my internet signal is lost.



Ta ta and Sweet Dreams Goober ;)

Odd My Blogs are out of order!

Ok for odd reason blogger placed my new blog named "Young at <3heart<3" below my old post from yesterday named "Screwed!!!". So just scroll down a little for your Retro 70's fix. Sorry about that. I have no clue why.

Sweet Dreams!!!

Screwed!!

WHAT DOES A BLONDE AND A TURTLE HAVE IN COMMON???

When they are on their backs they are both screwed.

Did you know the poor ladybug suffers the same ill fate? Yup. Driving along today and a lady bug was walking across my dashboard. I flumped (flump is my word for thump) it with my finger nail and it went soaring into the air and landed on its back in the passenger seat. I watched as it sat there on its back with its legs flinging in the air trying to find some sort of ground or something to flip its arss back over. Yeah it was pretty SOL for that poor ladybug. I could just imagine it lying there staring at the ugly grey fabric that covers my passenger seat of my vehicle and wondering how in the (insert curse word of choice) it ended up like that. All it knows is that it was walking along minding its own ladybug business when some blonde chick who was bored with driving decided to completely screw its day up by flumping it into the air and making the poor little ladybug land on its back. What did it do to deserve this and what now? Seriously, If I had not taken pity on that little ladybug and flipped it back over so it could continue its day in its little ladybug way what would have happened? It would have just laid there upside down staring at the seat and kicking its little legs as fast as possible until..........what it starved to death? Died of boredom or all its poor little ladybug blood drained to its poor little ladybug head!!!!?? Well, I couldn't stand the thought of that so I did my good deed for the day and got that ladybug back on its way safely all while not realizing I was still driving and should probably not rear end the back of that vehicle that is completely stopped about five feet in front of me. Holy Duck!!! (Yes, I said "Duck!!!")I slammed on my brakes to avoid a collision and looked back in my passenger seat I guess to make sure the ladybug was okay too and it was gone. Oh well, It probably got projected into my windshield and smashed anyways! What can I say? At least the little ladybug did not feel any pain. RIP Ladybug and sorry!

Yeah. It don't take much to distract a blonde.
Carry On!

Kid at <3 H-E-A-R-T <3

Anyone in the mood for Bob Marley? Do not worry! There is an explanation to follow.

I spent an evening with a wonderful girlfriend named JudyBooty (*WINK*) this past week. It was quite enjoyable. We basically got together for a play date with the children. She has one kid to my twelve kids. Okay, maybe I do not have twelve kids but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Anywho, the children hermited themselves to the bedroom for a while playing video games. This was perfectly fine with us because we sat downstairs and talked about typical single Mom junk like exhaustion, struggling with the kids school and sports schedule, the lack of good men left, what age we feel like our butt went down a couple flights of stairs and where she got that yummy cream cheese dip for the fruit!! Her house got chilly during our discussion so she offered me sweatshirt. All girls love venturing through another girl's closet! It is almost better than shopping at the mall so of course I was excited when she opened her closet door to all those fun clothes and shoes!! Yay! I ran across a delightfully fluffy Afro wig which she had used for a Halloween costume the year previous. How freaking neat!!! It was an Austin Powers moment fo-sho! After a bit, I started to feel myself experience Afro envy while I stared at that wig hang from her closet door. Hmmmmmm, the curiosity was killing me. I am a blonde hair blue eyed girl who has not had lift to her hair since the hideous 90's era. I definitely have never experienced anything like that wig! I just had to know. Uh huh! You guessed it. Within minutes I had that wig on and we were trying on retro outfits to match. Oh boy or should I say Groovy Baby! Before you knew it we had whipped out the makeup and were just having a good ole time turning me into one hot Diva Mama (insert finger snap in a Z formation!!) Needless to say we got some odd looks when the children came down a few times to ask for something. It is hard to explain an Afro wig away. It is also hard to sound intimidating and Mothering when the two Moms are giggling like school girls and hiding behind the bathroom door yelling "Go away!!". Well eventually we pulled out the camera. Of course we had to take pictures. Come on, we all know how much I love the freaking camera. We took some very 70's album cover shots. Those were Judy's idea of course. She is a bit more artsy than me. No real rhyme or reason, just having fun being silly girls I guess!! Maybe our inner children were shouting out for some attention. It was refreshing to act stupid and childish for a moment. To not care how stupid we looked and just be young at heart <3.>

Wiped!

I think I need a weekend from my weekend. We have stayed super busy and now I am exhausted. I thought the point of the weekend was to rest up and wind down from the work week. My weekends are almost more exhausting than my work weeks lately. Toting around one pre-teen daughter with a heavy attitude, one son who has the speed of a turtle and one fluffy 18 month old who has VIP seating on my right hip. That is a pretty heavy load. I feel weighed down today and my kids are still in overdrive. Can we please bottle whatever it is that they have? Seriously we have figured out how to clone sheep but yet we cannot clone the ongoing energy of a 10 year old. I cannot KEEP up.





Furbish update!! Apparently our Furby is multilingual. He/She has been replying in spanish. Yep, no joke. As if I need one more person in this house I cannot understand. Bri (the pre-teen) normally only speaks in sign language. Her two favorites signs seem to be rolling her eyes to the left and rolling her neck to the right. It is normally followed with a smack of the lips, stomping of the feet and slamming of the door in my face. There never seems to be much actual communication with us two. Noah just mumbles. He is displaying the male ability to tune me out quite early. His father would be so proud. >:o( Brooke as we established speaks some baby jabber, throws LOUD tantrums and has now picked up on furbish. I would get more response from a rock in my drive way than from any of my kids. Anyhow, I guess with all this craziness going on the Furby decided to mix it up some and add some confusion into my day. Thanks buddy! Guess he/she (IT) will not mind if his flipping batteries go missing. mawwwwhahahaha!





Well, it is dinner time and I am seriously considering pulling out some wonderful Smuckers PB&J's and potato chips!!! Hmmmmm......maybe I should utilize Papa John's which is located on my speed dial! Maybe I will get lucky and Mr. Pizza Delivery boy/girl will have a conversation which starts with more than "But MOOOOOOOOOM!!!"





Later Gator!

Furbish

Happy Saturday. I have been tortured with endless hiccups today. They are lovely. You know how hard it is to sound serious and not have my kids disobey my authori(TY) when in the middle of everything I make this high pitch squeal noise. So needless to say my kids are considering me a joke this morning and they are having a hard time keeping a straight face as I yell out to them "Get in here and put up your (insert mouse squeal) toys right now!" "I mean it (insert mouse squeal) you guys we are (insert mouse squeal) NOT going to (insert mouse squeal noise) the pool." "You got (insert mouse squeal) five MINUTES!!!" Yeah, so the kid were just rolling on the floor. Something about throwing in spastic mouse squeals in the middle of yelling at the kids that no longer makes you seem scary. I just finished cleaning the living room myself. I could not embarrass myself anymore. I could not even take myself serious.

Brooke found one of Brianna's annoying toys called the Furby which I thought we had gotten rid of long ago. Darn thing never dies. Do you remember these freaking little fur ball things which you are supposed to teach them how to speak english? You have to feed them when they demand and try and comprehend their furbish language. Their eye balls open and close and they snore when they sleep. Well this has become Brooke's new best friend. Not sure if I should be concerned but I guess it is better than an imaginary friend. Anyhow, I think I have finally figured out what language it is that Brooke speaks. Furbish. Her and this Furby have been carrying on long conversations. The conversations are not just one sided. They seem to respond to each other. I am pretty sure they are plotting something. I see them in the corner of the room and the Furby only seems to speak to Brooke when I turn my back. Brooke responds in the same Furbish form and giggles. You might want to pray for me. I am thinking they may be considering an unexpected attack on Mommy. Kind of freaky. That Furby is awfully demanding too. He is always hungry and telling Brooke to play with him. It is almost like Brooke has become the Furby's personal assistant. Brooke has become a slave to the Furby. I guess it is how we teach the children what to expect when you become an adult. If you think about it, we all work for a Furby. Just our Furbys are not cute and cuddly.

Jumping into the Weekend

Whoa! These picture best explains how I feel about leaving the work week behind! I am ready to relax some. Bring on the weekend! Not many more pool weekends left so I plan to take full advantage of that tomorrow with the babies. Of course the work does not stop when the office hours are closed. The freaking laundry is ridiculous. I am pretty positive that it breeds in the hamper. Noah's football practices have started as well. That is four days during the school week and one game or practice on Saturday. I remember life being a little more relaxing and then I went to sleep one night and the next morning I woke up and found complete chaos took over in my house. The darn weeds in my yard are getting so big they are almost starting to look like dreads. I asked a certain BROTHER - DANIEL to come by and mow and he has yet to make it by! Ah hhhhhhum! Guess his new little girlfriend has him tied up....well hopefully they have not gotten that far yet.Anyhow I am happy for the weekend because the weekdays make me a bit crazy as you see!!

I would like to send a special CONGRATS to a very loved friend of mine, Ms. Amber the one and only #1. I love ya sweets. Cannot wait to meet Evan!! I already got my date. Belle is wearing the tux. ;)

I REST MY CASE!

This could be completely inappropriate and is likely to be more of a b-i-t-c-h fest than anything. Just bear with me people. If vulgar language or demeaning terminology bothers you then you might want to turn your head (Mother) or put on earmuffs. These types of blogs are the ones that earned me the name HellCat. To all my friends who have been following my outbursts of randomness on Myspace, this rant should feel like home. To those who are just meeting me, welcome to your first Spaz Cat moment. As I mentioned in my “About me”, I am in no way proper, traditional or modest about life or my opinions. I find myself blogging a lot of times to keep from voicing these inappropriate and harsh opinions to the powers that be who sign my paycheck, write me the speeding tickets or put together my burger at McDonald as to keep from having spit in my food. Anyhow, I cannot guarantee that I am always going to be polite or use my inside voice on this or blogs to come. So on to what has really just P-O-ed me today.

I just feel like sometimes in my line of work (I am a paralegal) the only reason that cases go round and round, hundreds of trees are killed and millions of dollars are billed out for case defense is because two attorneys (typically males) have decided to get in a sword match with their penis. Unfortunately in today’s society with the wonderful medications of Viagra, these sword matches can go on forever until they forget what the case was originally over in the first place. If you happen to have a male leading the defense on one end and a female leading the case on the other side than the female seems to strap hers on and continue the case prosthetically (yes I invented that word). It blows my mind the money spent to defend a case which should only pay out a few thousand dollars in damages and the insured spends triple that to defend the case and then still have to pay out the damages! Come on people. Relax some. Maybe we need to start slipping xanax in the attorney’s coffee during mediation and trial. Or just maybe we should hire someone to blow bong hits through the ventilation into a mediation room to calm some of these freaking over driven, coffee for blood, never settle, die hard freaks DOWN!

We need more Keanu Reeves styled attorneys. “Yeah Dude, Whooooaaa! We were totally bogus when completing that retaining wall and caused that gnarly landslide which wiped out your Rad house completely. BUMMER! For sure we should pay to rebuild your Casa and we will throw in a few extra pesos so that you can buy yourself a sick new beach house bro! Deal? Cool!”
See that is how it should be done.

Anyhow this Spaz Cat moment was brought to you because I endured my third freaking paper cut today on a particular case which I know I am going to spend long hours on and it will probably settle the day before. I mean I have been drawing my own blood for this case. Today's paper cut was the mother of all paper cuts! It was in between two fingers. You know where I am talking about that skin that connects the two fingers together. Uh huh! Love it!?? Yup. I know you are cringing right now. While I am thinking about it, we should add this to the list of punishments used for a hostage of war. We need some information out of them. We strap them down to a chair and shine a big ole light in their eyes. They do not give us the answers we need so we take a good sturdy piece of paper and slide it right through the middle of their fingers. Ew! I bet we would find Osama before they got to the index finger! Take my word. I have involuntarily endured three in the last day and I am ready to tell ya where that nut job is located. Whoa. Okay. I jumped tracks here and not really sure what direction my blog train is heading. Anyhow, toodles to all my loves out there!

Please continue your happy reading. I ask that you subscribe to my blog and for goodness sake people ---- SIGN MY DARN GUESTBOOK located to the left.

Love ya!!!

Sorry

Ahh. Sorry, I had no internet last night. Stupid wireless! It said I was connected but only allowed me temporary access to the internet which meant, um, nothing! Yeah. I almost had a panic attack!

Brooke and I had a busy night. We went over to Kristy's house and enjoyed a visit while I signed up for Market America which is something I am really excited about. I will go further into detail once I know what the heck I am talking about. All I know is I am excited about something that could be awesome but not really sure what that something is and how the awesomeness of it works! Any who, we got home around 10:30 ish and I of course started the routine of laying Brooke in her bed and her bouncing back up for about thirty minutes while I also tried to figure out why the internet was being mean to me and not letting me sign onto my blog! I called it quits around 11 something because I was exhausted and of course Brooke was not giving up and my STUPID internet connection was giving me a big ole negative for entry! I know this blog is not real exciting but it is all I got this morning. I am at the office now and I am supposed to be working but instead I decided to come by and say hi! I promise to put a little more effort into tonight.

Have a good day guys!
xxOOxx

Victory by Default

Update from last night and what seems to be my every night's battle with Brooke. I started at 8:30 pm with putting Brooke to bed and after I had pretty much wore a trail between my room to Brooke's bed I finally gave up and allowed Brooke the victory. Brooke was quite smug as she waddled past me with a grin on her face and took over my territory aka my freaking (I said freaking MOM) bed around 11:30! I mean honestly I was so tired and did not want to make one more trip between her room and mine. She has even learned stall tactics now. I thought these tricks did not come until later. She seems to be learning them early. She came out a few times with a diaper trying to suggest that she needed a diaper change. She was completely dry. She came out a couple more times with her sippy cup wanting a refill. Her cup was still half full. She came out once with a tag from one of her stuff animal which she felt needed to be thrown away. I mean she was trying anything to get a couple more seconds out of her bed!! I do not need a treadmill in the house because I pretty much cover my light cardio for the day walking between Brooke's room and my own. You have to hand it to the kids, she definitely has determination. I kind of won the battle by default tonight though. She fell asleep before I got her home. I just slipped her butt into her bed quietly. I am actually laying in my own bed and kid free right now. Hmmmm.....I am not sure what to think about not having her toes jammed in my mouth right now or have custody of my own pillow. It is kind of neat!! Sweet Dreams y'all. I think I am going to take advantage of tonight because I am sure she will be ready to battle again tomorrow night.

So Long F-N's

My Mother has asked me to remove the f-n's and f-bombs from my blogs. She thinks my mouth is too pretty to use those horrible words. With a roll of the eyes (love ya Mom), I have agreed. Even at the age of 29 I do obey my Mother. I promise from here on out to try and NOT throw out an F-N, F-Bomb or a good old fashion F-off but Mommy I cannot promise you there will not be anymore WTF's to explain exactly how I am feeling after something happens. WTF's are essential. I have WTF moments all the time and there is no other way to describe a WTF moment without WTF especially since I have become a parent. My WTF moments have increased drastically on a daily basis. For instance when Brianna decided while peeing on the potty at 2 years old that she wanted to paint her toe nails so she grabbed the Corvette red nail polish from the counter hopped up on the potty like a BIG GIRL and poured the nail polish all over her legs, feet and toilet seat! Considering it was only the second time she had successfully peed in the potty I was torn between scolding her and celebrating with the pee pee in the potty dance! WTF! Oh and there was the time that Noah decided to use the poop in his diaper as war paint on his face and decorated his crib in camouflage poop style. Had his crib been located in a sewer drain I can guarantee that the enemy would have never found his hiding place. WTF!! Oh oh, what about the time that Brianna got a hair bead jammed in her ear canal and we had to take her to the doctor to have it removed. WTF!!! There was that time that Noah wrote a story about me for Mother's Day. It was so sweet. He said I was 17 and worked at a grocery store. He went on to talk about the best meal I cooked was bologna sandwiches and complimented me by saying I was as pretty as a boy. Yeah. I am sure his teachers were kind of curious what type of mother Noah had. Apparently a 17 year old butch looking grocery store worker who could only throw together a sandwich with a meat that really should not be considered meat!! WTF!!!! So you see Mom, as I am sure you completely understand that the WTF is a way of life to me these days. I use it to explain my complete shock, confusion, misunderstanding and when I am not really sure what to do with what I have been handed. It is my way of stalling while deciding what my next move will be. I have to take a moment. I have to register my brain with what exactly has happened. The WTF running through my head is the first signal to my little brain that something not right just happened and I must intervene. It does pop up a lot in my blogs because most of my blogs seem to be about exactly those type of moments!! I never know what these children are going to dish out to me. Now if you excuse me I have to get back to my nightly routine of placing Brooke back in her bed every time she crawls out of it. I am working under strict instructions given from the Nanny 911 television show. According to Ms. Nanny 911, consistency is the darn key and if I continue to do this every time she gets up eventually Brooke will learn that she has to go to bed and stay there. I am pretty sure that Brooke has been taking tips from Brats 911 and they have taught her that if she just keeps getting up over and over again eventually Mommy will break and she will get her way. I am about three weeks into this war and I am holding strong with no plans on surrendering. I will also say that Brooke is holding strong and shows no sign of surrendering either. WTF!!!!!

Sugar Free

Sooo, Brianna proceeded to inform me that I have a big butt today. It was not in a playful picking manner either. It was in a MOM your butt is taken up too much room on the bed and you need to be told to address this matter immediately manner. I don't think my butt is big but she was pretty sure it was. Thanks dear. I'll get right on that. Hope she realizes that most of her genes come from me and probably what fills her JEANS too and one day she too will be told by her daughter that her butt is too big and taken up too much space on the bed.
Anyhow, about fifteen minutes later I was talking to Noah still laying in the bed and my daughter lost the battle with my butt so she removed herself into her own bed and Noah looked at me with lots of concern in his eyes and said "Mom your eyes are CRACKED". Confused a bit I asked him in the CENSORED versus of WHAT THE F#CK.........and he told me again "your eyes are cracked mom....you should really do something about it." I know I was tired and I am assuming he could have meant blood shot, or maybe I had lines under my eyes and he meant exactly what he said........my eyes were cracked. Heck, I don't know. But of course I changed the subject and after having my self-esteem abused by both of my wonderful kids.........I put them to bed and tucked them in and crawled back into my own bed.

The one thing about children that you can always rely on is the honesty in their comments. They are blunt and don't sugar coat much. Wish we had more of that in the real world. Lots of adults could use a hard lesson of a sugar free life.

R-I-P Godzilla the Godfather Spider

Holy Smokes!! I almost got ate by a freaking big ole fat juicy spider last night. I am not really sure who was more scared when we met up with each other me or him.



There I was going to finish up one last load of laundry. I opened the door to the laundry room which is this small built on room between the garage and the kitchen. When I did this freaking monster 100 eyed hairy @ss F-N spider came flying under the door into my kitchen. We made eye contact or should I say his 100 eyes made contact with my two eyes and I found out that I can do an amazing back flip onto the counter top when needed. I screamed bloody murder and I am pretty sure he screamed bloody murder. He ran around in a circle for a minute. I could just hear him saying "Hollllly f*ck! That crazy bitch is about to smash me." After about a minute of him running in circles and me randomly screaming to the top of my lungs and curled up in my dish drain on my counter top I noticed my can of ant spray on top of the fridge which was on the other side of Godzilla the spider! Uggg! Really! So, I hopped down into the furthest corner from him. When I did he freaking took off for microwave shelf! Oh no you do not!!! Al-be-damned if you are going to slip into some dark corner in my house only for me to find you again in my bed later!!! Now, this was serious business. It was a race against the spider. Two legs against eight! I had to get that can and spray that hairy little b@stard before he hid from me. He knew it too. "Oh my gaaaaaaaaaad, oh my gaaaaaaaaaadddddddddd!!!!" It was a close call but I got him. The whole time I am spraying I am screaming and jumping in place. As if when I sprayed him he was going to jump in my face and bite me!! I know if you were watching this you would have peed your pants. Finally he rolled into a ball and he was dead! I mean he looked dead. I am hoping he is dead. I went back to the furthest corner of my kitchen and stared at him for a while. I was making sure there was not the slightest movement! The next chore was the get a napkin and flush him to grave! Yeah, sounds easy enough. Nope. Really took me a while to get the guts up to pick him up with the napkin. I expected him to do a Jason – Friday 13th return and get me in the end. Anyhow, after about five minutes of pep talk to myself I finally got the nerve and scooped him up with a napkin. While sprinting to the toilet one of my hairs fell out of my pony tail and touched my neck and of course I screamed and threw the freaking napkin with dead spider in the air and went running into my living room. Eventually I got it together and flushed that freaking nasty ewwy gooey yucky freaking nasty FN creature!! I have the goose bumps now just thinking about it!

Brooke 1 - Mommy 0

I had to re-post this blog. I remember writing this blog about a year and so ago. It was the first few months of Brooke's life and we were just trying to learn how to get along with each other. I struggled a lot. There is quite an age difference in my older kids and Brooke. I basically learned how to take care of a baby all over again. It was a crash course too! Someone threw me into the deep end with no life jackets. Take goodness I know how to doggie paddle!! :)



Insert flashback music here ****************************************************



Time: Sometime around Spring 2007



Intro: You see a woman curled up in a corner of her bedroom with her arms wrapped around her legs in the upright sitting fetal position. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and it is obvious she has had a lack of sleep. There seems to be multiple white and wet stains on her wrinkled holey t-shirt. She is rocking back and forth and quite obviously whimpering.....



"Whimpering!! Yes, I am whimpering!! Please help me. No wait, this is serious!"


"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"


"Okay, so I decide to bathe my daughter because I think hygiene is rather important and her stank butt had not been cleaned today. So anyhow. la la la!! I stuck her extra porky chunky butt (who even has fat rolls in her big toes) into the bath. I cleaned her good! I scrub every bit of that child. I put extra effort into removing dry milk, spit up and other substances from certain cracks and rolls that she seems to have. Seriously!! How does a child end up with four fat rolls a piece on her inner thighs?? Anyhow, mission accomplished....child clean and I begin removing her from the bath. We do our little mother daughter bonding talk while I wrap her adorable little chunky head in the towel and carry her into my bedroom and place her on the changing table. As soon as I sit her down on the changing table...........blah....she spits white chunky spoiled milk all down the side of her face, into her ear and down the front of her chest!! Damnit. It is okay though, I can clean this up with some wonderful baby wipes. I begin cleaning up her mess when I notice that that her towel seems extra wet below her bottom and I realize that she just peed and it ran down her bottom to her back and all over the changing table. I am cursing inside my head while I try to remove the towel from underneath my chipmunk cheeked child who is toothlessly grinning at me (she knew what she was doing). I move her over to my bed and as soon as I lay her down on my bed....still diaperless....she spits up again with white chunky milk and it goes down the other side of her face, into her ear and onto my bed!!! LOVELY! So, I grab a wipe and a diaper because at this point she is still free willy, well without the willy (She is a girl, duh!). I start applying the diaper and trying to clean the spit up at the same time and I guess her bladder was extra full today because in the process she began peeing aFREAKINGain!!! Yup...down her back, onto my bed and some on my jeans. You have to be F-N kidding me right? What the freaking dog-gone-it!!! I go to grab her and she spits up again down my shoulder!! Counting to ten, thinking happy thoughts, flowers, butterflies, I do love my child!!!!"



"So, back to the bath!! I think we both need one now. Rinse and repeat right??"



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WHERE ARE WE NOW?????



Well, Brooke and I have learned to get along a bit better. She still seem to run my show most days. I have successfully gotten the bathing process down and now am dealing with the fact that she seems to end up with more water outside our bathtub than inside our bathtub. Honestly I rarely have to mop my bathroom floor anymore because after she soaked it with water and soap then I come along with the towel to clean and dry I have an instant clean floor! You get two in one. Clean baby and bathroom floor! I will take two in one anything with the lack of time I have available these days!



Toodles and goodnight ya'll!

Muah!

xxOOxx

Why is the sky blue?

I remember when Brianna and Noah were tiny babies...I was so excited for them to say their first words. Then it was putting together those adorable understandable sentences and finally came the questions. When they are small the questions are a little more off the wall and your answers are less likely to warp their little brains. Well, unfortunately the cute days of "mom, why is the sky blue" are behind me and now I am starting to get the "mom, how does a baby get out of your belly." or "mom, how did you have a baby if your not married." and lastly the one that made me choke on my cookie today from Noah was "mom, what is gay?" Apparently, Noah is at the age where the little boys are calling each other gay in after school care. From that Noah and Brianna both have an understanding that being gay is a bad thing. I stood in the kitchen staring at them both trying to figure out how to explain this without stereotyping, misleading or seeming judgmental. Honestly, I still am not sure I addressed it correctly. I simply addressed the meaning of the word first which my elementary school description was when a women loves a women as a girlfriend and/or a man loves a man as a boyfriend. You could imagine the reaction from them both. I did not have a clue how else to describe it. I also did not want to come off like I was insulting the situation either. Wow, seriously....they need to provide classes for us parents on these questions. Anyhow, so Noah's next question was how come everyone is not gay and like that........Brianna's response was "because we are lucky". I guess I have to take into perspective the immaturity level of their brains at this moment and how this seems out of the ordinary to the conventional man/women relationships that they have been subject too. I think I handled it okay but cannot believe how choked up I got and lost for words. It would be so much easier to not address the situation and allow the world to address it for me but in my opinion that is the problem with a lot of relationship with parents and kids. The lines of communication starts younger then most realize. Allowing them to feel comfortable asking me all these uncomfortable questions is something I truly feel is important. Not to mention I am not sure I want to allow some of the ignorant people of this world help corrupt my children's brains. I would rather leave the corruption up to me. I mean isn't that the fun part of having a kid. You get one of your own to corrupt!!!! ;0)

So, we got passed that one and a while later Brianna is holding Brooke and thought because she was crying that she might be sick. She starts thinking and realizes you cannot really take the baby temperature in their mouth........so with a concerned look on her face she asks "mom, how do you take a babies temperature." I enjoyed answering this one. "IN THE BUTT". Of course she responded "Oh my GOD, did you do that to me." and I grinned "YUP!".

The Stink Eye

Free Lessons offered for a limited time!!!

It is rather effective when used to warn a husband that he is skating on thin ice and he is about to lose his nuggets, give the child a warning that the bomb inside Mommy is about to blow in 3-2-1 seconds and they should run for their life, warn a crazy driver that he better get off your flipping @rse before you slam the brakes and make him eat your tail for lunch or to tell a co-worker to stick that in their juice box and suck it. I do not recommend attempting the stink eye without stink eye professional supervision and training. The stink eye can be more powerful then you could ever imagine and could cause harm to an innocent bystander if it is used improperly.

Disclaimer: The Stink Eye trainers are not responsible if your face gets stuck like that (as warned by Mother) and if you develop unwanted wrinkles due to over use of the stink eye. The stink eye can become addictive and if you feel you are overusing your stink eye you should seek professional help or contact your local Stink Eye Anonymous.

Amber Alert

Humph!

Ok, someone send out an Amber Alert.
Missing.....Timewarner Digital Remote Control....black with some red, yellow and blue buttons. Likely covered in baby drool and baby biscuits dried to the side of it. Last seen in my livingroom on my coffee table sometime this weekend.

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Seriously, it is gone. I have flipped every cushion (found $1.43 cents - yoo hoo) and looked under both the couches (apparently my kids have ate about a hundred tootsie rolls and thrown the wrappers under there), checked the bathroom, my bedroom, the kids room and even the fridge (WHAT, you never know with me) and cannot find it. I refuse to turn the t.v. on until I have the flipping thing. What is the point? I do not have the channels memorized these days and I cannot push the guide button without the remote to look up the channels. It is too much to ask to sit down on a Sunday evening, pick up my slobbery remote (thanks Brooke) and turn on the t.v. with my feet proped up on my coffee table (a/k/a bench for kitchen table, don't ask) and flip through the channels I pay for after I have put my spawns to bed (Brianna, Noah and Brooke)?

Shower War Zone

So let me set the mood for you!!

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SHOWER time!! Oh yeah, you know the time. It is SHOWER time. Most woman's favorite time of the day. The time that you get to step into a room, close the door to the outside world and soak in some yummy aroma from Bath and Body Works to try and lift the day away. There are days that you NEED that shower more than others. Not because you are dirtier than the day before but because the events of the day have weighed you down and wore you out more than the day before. Because you need that steam from the hot hot shower to wash away all the demands from work, home, bills, the kid's school, ex's, the car maintenance that is needed, the yard that has to be mowed, the dishes that you cannot seem to keep clean and the damn laundry that I swear is breeding as we speak in the laundry hamper. The only thing that seems to make all those things manageable is the joy of knowing at some point during that day you get to hide behind that curtain and let the warm water run down your face and soak your hair! For us ladies, our showers seem to take longer because we have the wonderful added chore of shaving. You can go ahead and add it to the list of things we have to get done for the day. It is a nuisance but dealable because we get to do it in the shower! :) Ahhhh! The warm, hot steamy shower. Some of my lady friends have even been smart enough to buy the detachable massaging shower heads. Hmmmmm. Could someone add that to my Christmas list?? Hmmmmm. Oh, yeah back to shaving. The wonderful task of shaving. So, here you are in your warm hot steamy shower. Did I mention it was warm, hot and steamy? Anywho, you have your razor? CHECK! You have your shaving gel (or if you are out, you have your soap, shower gel, shampoo or any other sudsy substance?) CHECK! So, you are ready to go. Now....here comes the fun part. How on earth do you get situated in the shower so that you can sud your legs and keep them sudded (forseriously, is that a word?) while the water is running. Somehow you manage to concoct and contort your legs, arms and back in such a manner that your left arm is blocking the shower water (warm, hot and steamy) while your right leg is propped on slippery shower wall and you are balancing on your left foot. Ladies, you know this position all so well. If you do some research on Yoga you will find that this is where Yoga was first created. By a women who was placed in a teany tiny shower and desperately needed to shave her legs. Ok, ok, sorry I left you standing there on one foot........where were we? So, you got it? You ready to start shaving now? So, go ahead and apply the shaving gel to that right leg. Great, you got it sprayed on the leg. Oh shit. Uhhh! Ok, here is the part where you realize you cannot reach any where to put the damn shower gel down so you strategically drop the gel in the bottom of the shower where it can hopefully be collected quickly if needed AND without hitting your left foot which is right now holding the weight of your whole body and has started turning some odd blue purplish color. So, got your razor? Lets start. Most women start at their ankles and work their way up. Nice and easy, nice and slow and easy. Looking good. Feeling better and not so much like the Bigfoot's sister. Now we get to the difficult part. The damn boney knee! This one takes concentration and some angling skills. You almost got it though. Real close and then all of a sudden you hear......................................................MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

The bathroom door comes flying open slamming into the wall. Both kids come running in screaming about the other calling them a dookie face. Your razor slips and puts about a half inch gauge in your knee. You scream! Your left foot goes flying out from under you. Your right leg is now up in the air pointing directly at the ceiling. Can you see this in slow mo? Your hands grab the shower curtain as if that rod could seriously hold all your body weight. Your left hand is desperately searching for something, please god something to cling to but unfortunately it slips off everything it is grabbing. Your head barely misses the shower faucet, oh thank goodness, there is a god!!! Right? Well, remember the shower gel you dropped a little earlier? Oh yeah! The wonderful triple action moisturizing for sensitive skin with a wonderful coconut smell and a pretty pretty pink color? Well, you land nicely on it with your bum!!! The shower curtain rod breaks.....and of course lands on your head. The shower is still running. Your knee is bleeding. You have little birds flying around your head chirping and the kids are wrestling at the bathroom door because one of them looked at the other one wrong. You hear the baby wake up and start screaming from the bedroom and guess what. You have one leg shaved and the other one still hairy!!

Hmmmm.....shower time! It has a different meaning these days as a single mom. It has gone from a wonderful relaxing escape from the world to a war zone where you have to use a 2 in 1 shampoo because there is no time for both shampooing and conditioning, while you are brushing your teeth (multitasking!!!), sometimes the 2 in 1 shampoo doubles as a body wash as well, all in the five minutes of luke warm water that the children left you after their bath. As for shaving the legs? Well, to be honest. You are a single mother of three kids. Maybe hairy legs would do you some good. Maybe hairy legs will assure you not to be a single mom of four kids. Maybe you should have never started shaving in the first place!