Thursday, February 26, 2009

Canadian Bacon's Meow

I should just rename my blog the Canadian Bacon's Meow. It seems she is the leader of my life these days and holds the spotlight when it comes to my stories. Oh my is she a hand full and a half........times five! That two year old is winding the ticker in my back and setting me free into whatever direction she would like to send me for the day. I have seriously considered contacting Nanny 911 or whatever that show is. Dear funny speaking British lady, if you happen to accidentally fall upon this blog and see my big white surrender flag flying high then come quickly or send your mean British Nanny cousin to assist me. I am afraid the Canadian Bacon does not speak southern Mommy slang and laughs at my "No Ma'am". She has no fear of heights when trying to sneak a cookie or M&M's and threatens to beat me in the middle of Target. I am not exaggerating. I jokingly told the Bacon while shopping at Target that if she touched one more thing, I would beat her. Um, yeah! Her response was in Canadian Bacon lingo...."No, I eat u Mum! Which I think she meant beat me, not eat me. Who knows with that kids appetite. She is named the Canadian Bacon for one reason. Well, two reasons. Her Daddy is Canadian and she is a big chunky BACON! She takes her food very seriously and unfortunately seems to lean towards the unhealthy food groups. In the Bacon's world, french fries could be exchanged as money. If you had a hundred dollar bill in your left hand and one single french fry in right, Brooke would take your right hand off trying to devour that fry!!! No kidding. I cannot pass a McDonald's without her screaming "BENCH BRY" which obviously is french fry. We do not eat McDonald's that often. Maybe once, at the most twice a month. I thought I had done a good job keeping my kids healthy. My other two do not have this issue. Let me give you a perfect example of the Bacon demanding some greasy intake. I had to go to CVS Pharmacy this evening. Needed to pick up my prescription. I pull up to the window and give the pharmacy lady my name and she shuts the window to get my prescription. Brooke immediately starts screaming "Bench Bry, Bench Bryyyy, BEEEEEEEEEENCHHHHHH BRY!" Great, now my kid is conditioned to believe that a drive-thru means she gets some greasy cellulite inducing french fries. I kept telling the Bacon that "CVS does not make BENCH BRIES my dear butter butt." "Mommy is very sorry but no BENCH BRIES tonight." She starts getting really angry and the Pharmacist has returned to the window. Suddenly, the Bacon launches her naked baby doll at me. It nearly missed my head! Geez! I was almost assaulted by a naked Baby Love a Lots doll. Nice. Real Nice. I signed my receipt and collected my prescription. We pulled off with no BENCH BRIES and an extremely pissed Canadian Bacon. Maybe I should have nicknamed this kid the Canadian Bull (not sure if there is such a thing). The Bacon was fuming and I think I saw her eyes turn red. She was sure I was holding out too. Of course she saw the Pharmacist lady hand me a bag. Normally any bag that comes from a drive-thru window is packed with BENCH BRIES!!! I had to open the bag and show her there were not any BENCH BRIES. I felt like I was being interrogated by a midget speaking in tongue. I just wanted to say.........wait a gosh darn minute, who runs this show here? No really, who runs this show? I think I need help. Anyone got any good suggestions on books to read?? I seem to be struggling on making it obvious who the Mommy is here!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Bye Bye To My Favorite Jeans

Sadly, I am writing to say a farewell to my favorite pair of jeans. Unfortunately, I ripped a fist size hole below my back pocket today. My jeans were starting to show geriatric signs recently and I knew it was not long from happening. They had been downgraded from the Make My Ass Look Good jeans that you would wear out with the girls at a bar, to the flip flops and sweatshirt jeans you love to lounge in. I was happy with them being downgraded. We had grown close. We spent many of hours doing house work and laundry together. Making unexpected trips to the grocery or gas station. They were always ready and unwrinkled. Felt like home when I slipped my legs into them. They fit like a glove where it counted and stretch where needed. We were a team together! I think I am tearing up over this loss! Like I say, I knew it was going to happen soon but I had no freaking clue that today when I lowered my right leg to climb off the stool in the kitchen, that I would hear such a horrifying RIPPPPPPPP echoing through the room and feel such a chilling breeze adventure between my butt cheeks to signify the spirit of my favorite jeans escaping. I have tried to figure out a way to downgrade my already downgraded jeans and somehow save them but I think this is a lost cause. I could patch it up but the jeans then lose their original comfort. I decided I would place a picture of the ripped jeans on my site as a memorial of such. Any nice thoughts or memories you may have with these jeans or with me while wearing these jeans are very welcomed! Sniffle, Sniffle. I think I will be able to pull it together. I am currently hanging out in my favorite sweatpants to try and relieve me of the pain that my loss today is causing.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tap Tap ***** U guys out there?

Um, hello. Shhhh! Do not yell at me!!!!! I know I disappeared and left you guys sitting here with no reason about where or why I left. I have been contemplating my departure as well and honestly, I have no good reason. I was stalling for my new web page to be complete but than I just lingered longer for no damn good reason. I could have my Mom write me a "Please excuse HellCat for being absent note" but not really sure that would be sufficient. I noticed some tumbleweeds rolling around on my poor site (thanks Chuck) and figured attention was way over due. I Figured it was time for Ms. HellCat to kick herself in the be-hind. Thank goodness I am flexible enough for my foot to reach my rear. I took care of that chore this AM (aka this morning) and placed a nice little Nike imprint on my arse! Hope you guys are happy!! Wish I had some good material to throw out to you guys today. Just warming myself up to this whole writing thing again.

Lets do a miniature update on my life. Hmmmmm....lets see! Brianna turned 11 (oh lord the hormones are overwhelming) and Um, Christmas happened....New Years happened.....January was cold and had no excitement. February brought the Canadian Bacon's birthday on February 8th and lastly I boycotted Valentines by wearing all black and going out with all my lady friends. What else? Oh, I am taking a class this weekend to get certified as a personal trainer. So if any of you(s) need to get rid of some fluff in your puff than I will be able to assist you shortly. "You can do it!" Ha ha! Does anyone remember Tony Little or is my Mom the only one that had his VHS workout tapes?

Ok, of course I will post a picture of my Black Valentines and promise to come back tomorrow.