Thursday, February 26, 2009
Canadian Bacon's Meow
I should just rename my blog the Canadian Bacon's Meow. It seems she is the leader of my life these days and holds the spotlight when it comes to my stories. Oh my is she a hand full and a half........times five! That two year old is winding the ticker in my back and setting me free into whatever direction she would like to send me for the day. I have seriously considered contacting Nanny 911 or whatever that show is. Dear funny speaking British lady, if you happen to accidentally fall upon this blog and see my big white surrender flag flying high then come quickly or send your mean British Nanny cousin to assist me. I am afraid the Canadian Bacon does not speak southern Mommy slang and laughs at my "No Ma'am". She has no fear of heights when trying to sneak a cookie or M&M's and threatens to beat me in the middle of Target. I am not exaggerating. I jokingly told the Bacon while shopping at Target that if she touched one more thing, I would beat her. Um, yeah! Her response was in Canadian Bacon lingo...."No, I eat u Mum! Which I think she meant beat me, not eat me. Who knows with that kids appetite. She is named the Canadian Bacon for one reason. Well, two reasons. Her Daddy is Canadian and she is a big chunky BACON! She takes her food very seriously and unfortunately seems to lean towards the unhealthy food groups. In the Bacon's world, french fries could be exchanged as money. If you had a hundred dollar bill in your left hand and one single french fry in right, Brooke would take your right hand off trying to devour that fry!!! No kidding. I cannot pass a McDonald's without her screaming "BENCH BRY" which obviously is french fry. We do not eat McDonald's that often. Maybe once, at the most twice a month. I thought I had done a good job keeping my kids healthy. My other two do not have this issue. Let me give you a perfect example of the Bacon demanding some greasy intake. I had to go to CVS Pharmacy this evening. Needed to pick up my prescription. I pull up to the window and give the pharmacy lady my name and she shuts the window to get my prescription. Brooke immediately starts screaming "Bench Bry, Bench Bryyyy, BEEEEEEEEEENCHHHHHH BRY!" Great, now my kid is conditioned to believe that a drive-thru means she gets some greasy cellulite inducing french fries. I kept telling the Bacon that "CVS does not make BENCH BRIES my dear butter butt." "Mommy is very sorry but no BENCH BRIES tonight." She starts getting really angry and the Pharmacist has returned to the window. Suddenly, the Bacon launches her naked baby doll at me. It nearly missed my head! Geez! I was almost assaulted by a naked Baby Love a Lots doll. Nice. Real Nice. I signed my receipt and collected my prescription. We pulled off with no BENCH BRIES and an extremely pissed Canadian Bacon. Maybe I should have nicknamed this kid the Canadian Bull (not sure if there is such a thing). The Bacon was fuming and I think I saw her eyes turn red. She was sure I was holding out too. Of course she saw the Pharmacist lady hand me a bag. Normally any bag that comes from a drive-thru window is packed with BENCH BRIES!!! I had to open the bag and show her there were not any BENCH BRIES. I felt like I was being interrogated by a midget speaking in tongue. I just wanted to say.........wait a gosh darn minute, who runs this show here? No really, who runs this show? I think I need help. Anyone got any good suggestions on books to read?? I seem to be struggling on making it obvious who the Mommy is here!