Operation Be Nakey

Just when I thought we had both throw up our white flags and agreed to disagree with the Bed Battle of July and August of 2008, I was given a rude awaken early Saturday morning. A new battle had been brewing. This one eventually got dirty and suffered a few causalities of war before Lt. Mommy figured out how to force a surrender on Brooke and her stuff buddy army. Things were so quiet for the last few weeks and I should have known better. After the first battled described below I performed some severe torturing of her stuff animals, one of her dogs named Blue cracked. He did not want me to cut off his left ear so he gave me some pretty important information. Needless to say he was too badly wounded from the battle on Sunday which I will get to shortly to even survive through the end of Sunday. He unfortunately took his final resting place at the bottom of the OUTSIDE trash can. Poor buddy!! Anyhow, according to Blue the dog, apparently when I would tuck Brooke and her choice of twelve stuff animals into her pack-n-play they would stay up scheming and drawing a game plan on how to get Mommy and get Mommy GOOD!!

Day 1 - Saturday AM - Operation Be Nakey set into action

It is early AM on Saturday. I hear Brooke's usual "Mommmmm" from her bedroom. I admit that I ignored it for about thirty extra minutes by placing the pillow over my head. I have maintained use of the pack-n-play for the remainder of the month. I have really loved the option of confinement when needed and especially at bedtime. So, I roll out of bed maybe a little later than she wanted me to. GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE! It is Saturday AM. I was pouting a bit because I do not want to be up before 8am! It is not FAIR! Anyhow, Brooke's door was halfway closed so I open the door a tad more and walked in to say my usual Good Morning Sunshine and there she was standing in all her glory with her sunshine SHINING bright! What the??? Are you?? Where is your?? Ugggg! Put your Hoo Hoo away! Yuppers! She learned how to remove her diaper this morning. Lovely. She had throw it off to the side like a rebellious little flower girl refusing to wear clothes. To make matters even lovely-ierrrrrr, she had to cop a squat right in the middle of her pack-n-play on Bugsy the Bunny, Pinky the Atheist Non-Praying Lamb, and all her freaking blankets. Including the adorable yellow knitted blanket from her little ole Great Grandma Fels. Wow. Yeah. I was happy. Real darn happy to run a bath first thing that morning and remove the urine soaked baby, stuff buddies, sheets and blankets. My Saturday AM was starting off to be awesome and I have my little pisser to thank for it. Thanks Brooke-a-Bella. You make Mommy Proud!!!

DAY 2 - SUNDAY AM - Operation Nakey gets dirty

Okay, so I am not sure why in my head I felt like this was an isolated action even after being forewarned by Blue. I just believed deep down that Brooke would never do that again. She did not get her diaper off on purpose! Seriously y'all. I mean one of the velcro latches obviously got stuck to her knitted yellow blanket and when she rolled over it came undone. Brooke is a sweet girl and would never try to cause her Mommy to have such an unpleasant Saturday morning on purpose, hmmmmm or would she? Sunday AM came too quickly. Thank goodness this was a holiday weekend because I definitely needed an extra day to recover from what I was about to walk into. I rolled out of bed and started walking into Brooke's room swinging the door open. Yup my usual - Good Morning Sunshhhhhh, Oh MY Gawd! No. No!!! Noooooooo? Really? Seriously? You had to do that?? This morning? What were you thinking? Oh my gawd! You are cleaning that up. I do not care if you are only 18 months old! That is just plain freaking sick! You did not eat it did you? Did you eat it? Please tell me you did not eat it? Oh! Ew! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd! It smells like, well you know what it smells like in here! You should know. You produced it. Lovely, all in your freaking hair. Oh! Oh! Wow! Awesome! Love it! Absofuckinglutely love it!!!!

So, if you have not figured out by now. My child again removed her diaper and threw it off to the side but this time instead of coping a squat she popped a poop!! Uh huh! Not only did she POP a FREAKING POOP but she used it as an exfoliater for her skin and cream rinse for her hair.

Oh nooo! Unfortunately this is where I see poor poor Blue laid off the the side of her pack n play face down. Apparently Brooke had found out about him giving up important information to me a day earlier. This did not go over well with Brooke. I cannot really tell what happened to him but my guess is suffocation by poop! His face was covered and there were little toddler poop hand print stains around his neck. He never had a chance against her!!

Counting to ten, no fifty, no a million!!!!! Can I just leave her in there and walk back out? I can just pretend like I never saw it! I cannot leave her in there?? Can I?? Trust me I considered it. I could freaking toss her a juice cup and throw cheerios at her all day to maintain her hunger. Yeah, I think allowing a child to play in poop is considered neglect, right? Yeah, probably. Damn it. So I walked over to her and lifted her out from her pack-n-play. I keep my arms extended from my body not allowing her to touch any part of me. Apparently my daughter was given monkey like abilities and she is swinging her body towards mine trying to wrap her legs around me. Please no! No! Stop! Don't TOUCH ME!!! I went running towards the bathroom with my head turned to the right and my nose squashed up trying to avoid that horrible nasty yucky poop smell which my daughter is drenched in. Oh! Oh! I almost seriously slung the kid into the bathtub. So, another bath first thing in the morning. I would have taken urine over poop any day. I removed all the blankets off the bed and threw them into the wash. I said a few sweet words for Blue and tossed him into the garbage can. Poor Poor little buddy. R.I.P. - "You're my boy Blue!!" Back to her sweet smelling bedroom to disinfect everything! This is just plan nasty! Gross! This is not right!!! No one should ever have to clean up anyone else's butt waste. I did not sign up for this. Please show me where on her birth certificate that it said I had to endure this and take it with a smile?

So, I think we are good now. I think Brooke has gotten me back. She has proved she can "one up" Mommy or should I say "TWO up" as in have to go number TWO! Right??? Okay, bad joke. I think the fumes from her room have gotten to me some.

SUNDAY NOON - NAP TIME - Operation Nakey and Escape!

I was happy when nap time came around Sunday. I honestly think I earned the break. Brooke on the other hand was not so happy. She was throwing a fit before I could even get her into her room. This day I did not care. Normally I try to talk to her and soothe her some. Eh, NO! Seriously she is lucky that I agreed to feed her breakfast and lunch after what she did to me that morning. Needless to say, I did not give her a fruit roll up snack after lunch. Hey! A girl has to have some leverage. Anyhow, I laid her down and left the room. She screamed all holy hell from the bedroom. Sounded like someone was murdering her. So I got up and closed her bedroom door. Can you tell I have lost sensitivity at this point? I sat back down on my bed and could still hear her plain as day! So I got back up closed my bedroom door. Now scream! Scream all you want you evil booger! It got quiet eventually. It was nice. Finally, until I heard THUMP - crash - BOOM - THUD! Uh, that was not normal. What is she doing in her pack-n-play! I run towards her bedroom and sling open the door! All I see is naked baby butt making a mad dash for under the bunk bed. She escaped! Sound the alarms. What the!!!!??? Again, off with the diaper! What does she have against the diaper? I mean she has been wearing them for 18 months. I wish I could run around naked too but I cannot. We must cover the HOO HOO! Everyone knows this. The Hoo Hoo is not for everyone to see BROOKE! I am tugging on her cheesy chunky legs as she is trying with all her might to get scurry under the bunk bed! I finally recovered her.

How in the hell did she get loose? I looked back into her pack-n-play to figure out how it was she had managed to escape. I mean she had never even suggested before that she could climb over. She had taken her comforter and folded it into a ball and then placed her pillow on top of it. She also had Slim Jim the bear on top of the pillow. She had built a wall to escape. Lovely! What am I going to do???

Luckily this time there were no bodily fluids left behind in the bed or on any of her stuffed buddies! I decided I needed to call in re-enforcements and contact someone wiser than me. Someone who has lived through many of these battles herself. Mothering and surviving the tortures of FOUR, yes FOUR children! She has to know what I can do. I grabbed the cell phone. Search for my Mom's name in my contact list because we all know no one knows any one's phone number by heart these days!! Please be home, please be home! Thank goodness good ole Mom suggested the usage of onesie's again! Yup. The wonderful ability to snap those buttons between her legs! Lets see you remove that diaper now buddy! I downgraded the amount of stuff buddies she is allowed to sleep with and placed a smaller pillow and comforter in her bed. I am hoping this will keep from any further escape routes to be built.

DAY 3 - MONDAY AM - Mommy Squashes Operation Nakey

I was a bit concerned about getting up this morning. I mean really could it get any worse? I am happy to say that Brooke did not manage to break out of the pack-n-play and she was NOT naked when I got to her this morning. Thank goodness! Keep praying for me people. :)