Monday, September 8, 2008

No More Spandex Please!

Hey Y'all! I felt like after yesterday's drab blog that I owed a little more effort to some happiness and giggles for today. I had an interesting drive home from my Nanny's yesterday. Wait, back up! Before I confuse some poor Yankee who has stumbled upon my blog on accident, my Nanny is my grandmother. My Mama's Mama! The lady who gave birth to the lady who gave birth to me. It is not someone I have hired to take care of my children. It seems to cause confusion when brought up in conversation. I think it is more commonly used in the great South. Ok! Lesson learned! Carry on! I was driving home or was I driving to her place? Uh. Wait, I was driving to her place. Apparently there was some bicycle something or other going on. I begin to pass what seemed like a hundred or so ten speeds. It was no Tour De France though. It definitely added a giggle to my day. This was the oddest mix of bikers I have ever seen. Of course they all had on those fabulously bright spandex shirts and shorts. Apparently color coordination is not important when matching a biker's outfit. The helmets were another interesting story all together. Some of them looked like they had bright power rockets strapped to their heads. GO SPEED RACER! Even though that added to my entertainment it was not so much the bright clown outfits that got me the most. It was the assortment of people wearing those outfits. I got behind one guy riding a bike and honestly I am not sure he had a bicycle seat. I mean I know he was sitting on something I hope. He had to be. There is no way he just had a pole stuck up his butt holding him onto the bicycle. It certainly looked like it though. I will admit as I was driving past I got some cleavage envy because he had me beat by a cup size for sure! That is no freaking fair. The next little guy I came up to apparently borrowed his spandex get-up from a ten year old. By the looks of his package (*Wink*) which was so obvious due to the OVERLY tight spandex, he borrowed it from a ten year old as well. Sorry! :) It was out there. I looked. My eyes burned afterwards but I looked. So now I am driving along and already been subjected to a man being sodomized by a bicycle seat and another man's short comings and about a million of other unqualified spandex wearers! Not exactly the Sunday stroll I was looking for but hell, these days I take what I can get. I really think anyone who is going to wear spandex should be subjected to some type of spandex pre-qualification process. Let me spell it out for you. Just consider spandex as a tacky skin coloring. Basically when you are wearing spandex you are naked but colorfully drawn on with markers!! If you would not walk around outside butt naked because you would scare the squirrels away than you probably should NOT wear spandex. I would not wear spandex. I do not care if it would cut 2.5 seconds off my mile when biking. I think that 2.5 seconds is worth giving up for my pride and keeping my camel toe to myself!! That should never be shared!! Geez Goobers!!! Anyhow after passing the million of unqualified spandex bikers, some people with motorcycle helmets on instead of bicycle helmets and a double ten speed for a dad and his eight year old up and coming unqualified spandex biker I was sure the show was over. Oh no, no NO! I came across the two oddest of the group. Everyone is on bikes. Ten speeds, generic ten speeds, double ten speeds and than randomly leading the pack were two in line skaters! What the hell are two in line skaters doing skating on the back roads of Davidson County up Gumtree Road? Come on now! They were decked out in full California gear and in full right to left pace glide! They took up twice as much room on the road as any of the bikers. Honestly they had their own lane on the road. At this point I was getting frustrated. This was a two lane road which stays pretty busy. There are a million bikers who I am concerned have their spandex so tight that they are losing air to their brain and might pass out and tumble over in front of my car!!! Now I have to pace behind two in line skaters!! I was so happy when I got out from behind that interesting mix of almost puking in my mouth moments. I really think one of the topics in this upcoming election should be the proper use of spandex. Could someone throw that out there at the next debate! Um thanks! Love y'all!

2 comments:

Crystal Adkins said...

LOL you're too funny!

Anonymous said...

Basically when you are wearing spandex you are naked but colorfully drawn on with markers!! If you would not walk around outside butt naked because you would scare the squirrels away than you probably should NOT wear spandex.

YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST THING EVERRRRRR.

YES I know it burned my eyes before, but I will NEVER look at spandex the same way again.

Thank you Cat, you are making this loss to the Rays almost tolerable.

Okay, not really. But thanks anyway.

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