Not So Love Letter to my Alarm Clock

Dear Darling Alarm Clock,

We both know that we have been struggling with getting along since we first began this dysfunctional relationship. I know I am a little harsh on you at times. I realize you are just trying to make sure that I am a responsible adult and that I make it to work on time each day to ensure a roof over our heads. I really can appreciate that but I am thinking maybe I should make some suggestions in order to have this process end a little less violently for the both of us. You see, screeching in my ear and suddenly waking me up in an extreme panic right in the middle of a dream where Gerald Butler has finally realized I am the love of his life AND is on one knee asking for my hand in marriage is definitely NOT the way I want to start my day. Maybe you should consider gently nudging my shoulder a few times and whispering “good morning sunshine, time to wake up” or tickling my ear with a feather and speaking to me in sexy Australian accent. Or hey, here is an idea , if you can’t do accents, how about you try releasing the smell of fresh cooked eggs and country ham. Least then, my inevitable disappointment would be delayed until the point I realized you didn’t actually cook eggs and Country ham. Your so called alarm has become as revolting to me as the loud squawking noise that comes blaring out of a hawk who is having his insides pulled out through his pooper hole with a set of rusty pliers and no lubrication. This is not real appealing or motivating my dear. You have to understand why this normally results in my body jolting into the air with complete panic and me violently attacking you with my right fist and then propelling you across the room. Not exactly the way either one of us would like to start our day. Wouldn’t you agree??

I have to hand it to you though, you are persistent – unearthly-Jason-Vorhees-from-Friday-the13th-persistent.…because just when I am comfortably asleep again and dreaming of having my little piggies (more like finger toes) massaged by Channing Tatum you rise from the dead to ruin my hot, sexy and much needed quality time with Tom Cruise (In my dreams, he’s still the sane version, you know, before he was jumping on couches and I realized that he is actually shorter than most fifth graders). You think I complain too much? How about we switch places for a day? You can get your lazy @ss up and do all my morning chores and drive your happy little @ss into the office and complete all my work for me there too. I will be more than happy to scream in your ear until you finally reluctantly come rolling off my nightstand, grumbling in some Portuguese language, walking into doorways because the sleepy junk has glued your “eyes” shut and trip your way into the shower. You might not be so loud and obnoxious then.

You can imagine why these morning events would be a little more peaceful and maybe enjoyable if you put some effort into our relationship. This is a two-way street, buddy. How about slowly allowing me to accept the fact that it is time for my work day to begin? I don’t want to hit you anymore and I am sure you are tired of constantly enduring the unmentionable names I shout at you every morning. A gentle word from you and I might just be in the mood to caress your snooze button instead of beating you into a digital carcass. Let’s make this an enjoyable experience. Please! Any suggestions from you are welcomed as well. Something other than “GET YOUR F*CKING @SS UP NOW B!TCH, TIME FOR WORK!” would be appreciated, you know that is just not working for me anymore. Maybe if you can be a little sweeter in the morning, then I might find myself dreaming of erotic steamy showers with you instead of Vin Diesel. This would probably make us both a little bit happier (well, not really).

Always,

HellCat

QT with Dust Bunnies

The only words that can properly be used to describe the story below would be “only me!”

So, the Canadian Bacon was a bit excited about a package with her Christmas presents that arrived from her Auntie Tara out in Vancouver, BC. I already knew the contents of the box. The smallest package contained an adorable princess book which had puzzle pieces to it. Simple and harmless enough you would think. I know it is not Christmas but I thought I would allow Bacon to open that one gift. It was all fun and games in the beginning. We went through every page reading the story and then taking apart and putting back together the puzzle with the story. Somehow during this fun and adorable mother/daughter bonding, a poor lonely puzzle piece slides between the wall and lands underneath the bed. “Oh toe!!!” shouts the Bacon. Piece of cake I was thinking. I can get that from behind the bed. The search is on now. I am glaring between the thin slit between my bed and the wall. Nothing. Ugh. I realize that I must actually get off my butt and climb down beside the bed and look to see if the piece had fallen further into the dust bunny land under the bed. Yup! Sure had. Just out of the reach of my arm. Well honestly, since I have a California King size bed, it was just out of the reach of two of my arm lengths. Ahhhhh ha! I see a clothes hanger. I start using the hanger to poke and jab at the puzzle piece to try and get that stubborn prissy pink piece ,which happened to be Cinderella’s head, to roll my way. Yeah, no such luck. Really, how difficult can this be? The whole time the Canadian Bacon is in the background still gasping “oh toe, oh toe Mommy.” If I could just get a few more inches closers to that piece than I am sure I could hook it with the hanger. I was slowly inching my body under the bed. It was a very tight squeeze but I sucked in my ribs and managed to get half my body under the bed and knocked the puzzle piece clear out from under the bed. The Bacon recovered it on the other side of the bed. I could see her chunky toes wiggling back and forth with excitement that she now could assemble Cinderalla’s head back to the puzzle. I was a bit relieved it was over too……..um, well, kind of because all at once I realized I could not move. I was seriously stuck. Somehow I had wedged myself so far up under the bed that I could not get out. The only thing sticking out from under the bed were my orange capri sweatpants. Think, think, think. There is no way I am stuck under this bed. The Bacon has now noticed that it is taking Mommy way too long to come out and she walks over to my side of the bed and lifts the skirting of the bed and says “you stuck Mommy?” “Well yes, baby, Mommy is stuck.” I replied. Her mouth opens wide and she exclaims with both hands on her face “oh toe, Mommy stuck!” I was hoping my sister was still in the house and had not went to work yet. I sent the Bacon searching for her “Ash-wee. Oh toe! Mommy stuck. Bed got Mommy stuck!” I did not hear any answer from Ashley. This situation seems to be getting worse. The Bacon got to thinking before I did and slid my cell phone up under the bed to me. I started making phone calls. The first of course was to Ashley to explain my dilemma who I think through the snorting and laughing said she was on her way over. The other was to my Mother because if anyone else should get to witness this, it would be her and then I start receiving phone calls while laying under the bed and since I had nothing better to do than start naming the dust bunnies, I figured what the hay, why not answer them. My favorite part of these conversations was when you say “hello” and they respond with “hey, whatcha doing?” I am pretty sure I did my part in giving giggles to some of my friends. Odd to me is that every single one of them would say, are you sure you are stuck? Um, hell yeah! I cannot move. I am not voluntarily showing up for a dust bunnies Girl Scout meeting under my own bed. All this time, the Bacon is jumping on the bed on top of me and having fun landing on my butt. This is when I realize that I probably should not have guzzled that soda earlier. My rib cages were beginning to get real sore and I was plotting ways to remove my lady lumps to wedge myself out from under the bed. Just when I could not take any more I hear my sister’s cackle and what I am sure to be the flash of a camera! She made sure to get a few more of those also! Thanks Ash-Wee!!!!! Thank goodness she arrived. I had become so close with this one dust bunny that we were discussing matching tattoos.

I am free!!!

New Awakening

It is time for HellCat to wake up. I need to crawl out from under my very fashionably decorated rock and check on my blog fans. I have taken way too much time off. My vacation is over. I am back. Ready to rambling and rant about anything and everything going on in my world, the kids world, my odd moo moo neighbor's world and blast it off into the wonderful blog disco land world while riding my disco stick through the trails winding through your brains. Can you handle it? Are you ready to understand for ten seconds and get confused in the next five seconds? I even have the very best 70's music blasting in the background to add to the mood. HellCat has on her tight leather pants and moccasins boots. Hair all beaded in piggy tails and tattooed pictures of all the zodiac signs in all the unbearable places on her body. Apparently Hellcat has been deprived from the real world and decided to make her own world up under that rock she had been chilling under. Pretty comfortable place. Lava lamp, disco ball and beanie bag chairs. Not to mention the lovely beads that hang down from the door ways. The curiosity of what is behind those beads starts making you curious. What in the hell is in there? Are you scared?? Come on, tip, toe one ittle bittle foot past the unknown that this door offers. Come on in and join me. let's find out what the HellCat has been up to and what hurricane of thoughts she has blasting around in her tiny blonde head that needs to be released. Until the next time, it might be best if you run out the stores and and buy out all the milk and bread.....board up all the windows and make sure there are plenty of candles to be lit. There is no telling what a storm is about to be released. She is called HellCat for a reason. Hope you guys are ready. I am! See you tomorrow night for my first off the wall antics.
xoxo

Canadian Bacon's Meow

I should just rename my blog the Canadian Bacon's Meow. It seems she is the leader of my life these days and holds the spotlight when it comes to my stories. Oh my is she a hand full and a half........times five! That two year old is winding the ticker in my back and setting me free into whatever direction she would like to send me for the day. I have seriously considered contacting Nanny 911 or whatever that show is. Dear funny speaking British lady, if you happen to accidentally fall upon this blog and see my big white surrender flag flying high then come quickly or send your mean British Nanny cousin to assist me. I am afraid the Canadian Bacon does not speak southern Mommy slang and laughs at my "No Ma'am". She has no fear of heights when trying to sneak a cookie or M&M's and threatens to beat me in the middle of Target. I am not exaggerating. I jokingly told the Bacon while shopping at Target that if she touched one more thing, I would beat her. Um, yeah! Her response was in Canadian Bacon lingo...."No, I eat u Mum! Which I think she meant beat me, not eat me. Who knows with that kids appetite. She is named the Canadian Bacon for one reason. Well, two reasons. Her Daddy is Canadian and she is a big chunky BACON! She takes her food very seriously and unfortunately seems to lean towards the unhealthy food groups. In the Bacon's world, french fries could be exchanged as money. If you had a hundred dollar bill in your left hand and one single french fry in right, Brooke would take your right hand off trying to devour that fry!!! No kidding. I cannot pass a McDonald's without her screaming "BENCH BRY" which obviously is french fry. We do not eat McDonald's that often. Maybe once, at the most twice a month. I thought I had done a good job keeping my kids healthy. My other two do not have this issue. Let me give you a perfect example of the Bacon demanding some greasy intake. I had to go to CVS Pharmacy this evening. Needed to pick up my prescription. I pull up to the window and give the pharmacy lady my name and she shuts the window to get my prescription. Brooke immediately starts screaming "Bench Bry, Bench Bryyyy, BEEEEEEEEEENCHHHHHH BRY!" Great, now my kid is conditioned to believe that a drive-thru means she gets some greasy cellulite inducing french fries. I kept telling the Bacon that "CVS does not make BENCH BRIES my dear butter butt." "Mommy is very sorry but no BENCH BRIES tonight." She starts getting really angry and the Pharmacist has returned to the window. Suddenly, the Bacon launches her naked baby doll at me. It nearly missed my head! Geez! I was almost assaulted by a naked Baby Love a Lots doll. Nice. Real Nice. I signed my receipt and collected my prescription. We pulled off with no BENCH BRIES and an extremely pissed Canadian Bacon. Maybe I should have nicknamed this kid the Canadian Bull (not sure if there is such a thing). The Bacon was fuming and I think I saw her eyes turn red. She was sure I was holding out too. Of course she saw the Pharmacist lady hand me a bag. Normally any bag that comes from a drive-thru window is packed with BENCH BRIES!!! I had to open the bag and show her there were not any BENCH BRIES. I felt like I was being interrogated by a midget speaking in tongue. I just wanted to say.........wait a gosh darn minute, who runs this show here? No really, who runs this show? I think I need help. Anyone got any good suggestions on books to read?? I seem to be struggling on making it obvious who the Mommy is here!

Bye Bye To My Favorite Jeans

Sadly, I am writing to say a farewell to my favorite pair of jeans. Unfortunately, I ripped a fist size hole below my back pocket today. My jeans were starting to show geriatric signs recently and I knew it was not long from happening. They had been downgraded from the Make My Ass Look Good jeans that you would wear out with the girls at a bar, to the flip flops and sweatshirt jeans you love to lounge in. I was happy with them being downgraded. We had grown close. We spent many of hours doing house work and laundry together. Making unexpected trips to the grocery or gas station. They were always ready and unwrinkled. Felt like home when I slipped my legs into them. They fit like a glove where it counted and stretch where needed. We were a team together! I think I am tearing up over this loss! Like I say, I knew it was going to happen soon but I had no freaking clue that today when I lowered my right leg to climb off the stool in the kitchen, that I would hear such a horrifying RIPPPPPPPP echoing through the room and feel such a chilling breeze adventure between my butt cheeks to signify the spirit of my favorite jeans escaping. I have tried to figure out a way to downgrade my already downgraded jeans and somehow save them but I think this is a lost cause. I could patch it up but the jeans then lose their original comfort. I decided I would place a picture of the ripped jeans on my site as a memorial of such. Any nice thoughts or memories you may have with these jeans or with me while wearing these jeans are very welcomed! Sniffle, Sniffle. I think I will be able to pull it together. I am currently hanging out in my favorite sweatpants to try and relieve me of the pain that my loss today is causing.

Tap Tap ***** U guys out there?

Um, hello. Shhhh! Do not yell at me!!!!! I know I disappeared and left you guys sitting here with no reason about where or why I left. I have been contemplating my departure as well and honestly, I have no good reason. I was stalling for my new web page to be complete but than I just lingered longer for no damn good reason. I could have my Mom write me a "Please excuse HellCat for being absent note" but not really sure that would be sufficient. I noticed some tumbleweeds rolling around on my poor site (thanks Chuck) and figured attention was way over due. I Figured it was time for Ms. HellCat to kick herself in the be-hind. Thank goodness I am flexible enough for my foot to reach my rear. I took care of that chore this AM (aka this morning) and placed a nice little Nike imprint on my arse! Hope you guys are happy!! Wish I had some good material to throw out to you guys today. Just warming myself up to this whole writing thing again.

Lets do a miniature update on my life. Hmmmmm....lets see! Brianna turned 11 (oh lord the hormones are overwhelming) and Um, Christmas happened....New Years happened.....January was cold and had no excitement. February brought the Canadian Bacon's birthday on February 8th and lastly I boycotted Valentines by wearing all black and going out with all my lady friends. What else? Oh, I am taking a class this weekend to get certified as a personal trainer. So if any of you(s) need to get rid of some fluff in your puff than I will be able to assist you shortly. "You can do it!" Ha ha! Does anyone remember Tony Little or is my Mom the only one that had his VHS workout tapes?

Ok, of course I will post a picture of my Black Valentines and promise to come back tomorrow.

Big Baby

Mom -- "You are a big baby Brianna!!" "Stop whining"

Brianna -- "Mom, I would rather be a big baby than an adult any day."

Mom -- (Silence)...................(thinking in my head of a smart reply but I am positive the pre-teen just out whitted me.) (WTF!!!) (OMG, she is right.) (Ok, got to say something back) "GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!!!!"

Over the Heels I go!!!!

I finally went to my first college football game this weekend!!! I was super duper pumped and went over board in my accessories! Ha haaaa ha heee (snort)! Expected from me huh?? If you are going to do it then make sure you over do it! Right?? That's my motto. I am kind of digging my new blue fluff and mile long nose picking finger! Whatcha think???

Unfortunately, I was dubbed the team's UNLUCKY charm. As most of you have already heard, the heels were spanked with a bright red wooden paddle by N.C. State. Unfortunately, the wolf pack added some black to our blue and without much opposition from our team. It still was an awesome experience and I am very thankful for Mr. Tim the Fundraising Stud Tompkins for my first live True Blue Tarheels venture!!! I am hooked. I will be true to the REAL blue for a life time now!

Quack Quack

I love the human's ability to over-analyze. Here is a good example. On facebook you have the option to put a status message on your profile. It is a fun way to let everyone know how you are doing for the day or what is going on in your life. Some of us with more creative juices often take our option of the status message and over-indulge!!!

My status message today read as follows:

"Catrina says A duck wearing bunny ears is still a f*cking duck no matter how bad you want the bastard to hop, he is liable to quack."

Now please read the comments that followed my status message. They are rather entertaining and by the end of the last status, you completely forget what we were chatting about in the first place.

Response # 1:
but if he does quack, will there be an echo?

Response # 2:
if he quacks in french does the echo count if you only understand english quacking??

Response #3:
But what if there is no one to hear the quack, will is still make a sound?

Response #4:
either way I guess the duck has more to do than us on a Tues afternoon

Response #5:
I often do not hear you guys quack but am positive that still makes you a quack so my answer is yes!!!

Response #6:
If it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck...

Response #7:
Then it is not a bunny???

Response #8:
they're nice and cute and cuddly while the bunny ears are on - but we all know what's really underneath that fuzzy white disguise... feathers and a f*cking quacker. yep. i said quacker.

Response #9:
Can you show me your quacker please!!! :)

Hope you enjoyed! That is all I got for today!!!!! Once my brain stops hibernating than maybe HellCat's Meow can return back to its normal daily spaz-tastic posts!!

~ Raining Cows and Horses ~

Holy Moly!! I am going to have to build a boat to make it out of my house tomorrow. Forget raining cats and dogs. I think it is raining cows and horses! Geezus! If the saying about rain being when the angels are crying than I think we need to offer some Prozac to them angels. Apparently there has been an overload of prayer requests lately with the fall of our economic system. From the looks of outside, I think the angels threw their hands up in the air and screamed out in tears "I cannot take it anymore!!" "What is wrong with you people!!!" "Always getting yourselves in over your head and then you turn to us to bail you out!!!!!!!!!" Ha ha! Or something like that. I guess one good thing is coming out of this rain. My car sure was needing a good wash job. Yay. One thing checked off my list for this weekend. Clean car........CHECK! How cool is that? I have been rather productive as my fluffy puff is resting in the sinfully comfortable lounge chair. Did not even have to lift a finger. Guess I should send a thank you note to the menstrual angels who decided to flood our southern lands today. :)

The Twinkling Canadian Bacon

Check out Ms. Canadian Bacon! Ha ha! She is going to kill me when I show this picture to her first boyfriend 30 years from now. The potty training process has begun and is rolling at full steam ahead! She can even say "uh oh" when she accidental twinkles in her diaper. She races to the Blue Clues potty ripping her diaper! So far, it has been too late once she got there. She seems to get the point though. It helps that this potty annoyingly sings "It's toilet paper time" and gives props to the pooping toddler when something lands in the bottom. This is all fun for me right now. The idea of no longer changing a diaper is awesome. Do you realize my oldest will be 11 in December. That means that I have been changing diapers on and off for 11 years. Yeah! A bit long. Brooke has trained herself to apply her own diaper now though. It is awesome. She will lay the diaper down flat and opened AND THENNNN she will straddle the diaper and strap it around herself. Nice little trick. Makes Mommy happy. :) We are breaking out the big girl panties today!! Da DUMMMMM! My baby is growing up. Before long my Piggy-Bella will be sporting some Dora the Explorer cotton Hoo Hoo hiders! She will def be a hot mess!!!

Canadian Bacon becomes a Devil

Oh my! My Canadian Bacon unleashed her inner devil and took on the task of becoming a trick or treating professional. I mean she performed like it was her job. She took every second seriously and wasted no time between destinations. Do you see the seriousness in her look?? She figured out that if she kept her horns on and approached strange doors people would throw candy in her pumkin head bucket!! It was on and in full steam ahead mode for the rest of the evening! She never said one word to the strangers. She just waddled up the steps and held out her pumkin head bucket. What a wonderful noise that candy makes hitting the bottom of the bucket and being released into her custody! If only that candy knew the destiny it was about to take on. Num Num Num!!!! As soon as they dropped candy into her pumpkin head bucket, she was on to the next. Thank Ma'am, please give me some more!!! Wow O Wow! We headed back to the house after about an hour. She had hit the mother load of candy and was ready to indulge. Like my bacon needs more fluff to her puff! Little did she know that Big Bad Mommy was about to introduce her to the horrible communists way of rationing. She tried to rear her bacon head at me a few times. We battled hard over that pumpkin head full of candy but I did come out on top. Not sure I could survive the bacon on sugar overload!!!

Hope you guys enjoyed the pictures!! Love ya!

Lord Help Me

Explanation to follow:

This is Brooke giving me the STINK EYE after I fussed at her for this mess!!!

Brooke helping to clean up :) Thanks Babe!!!!!!

*************************************************************************

I miss you guys too!! Thanks for poking me until I got off my boo(tay) and blogged! This week has been crazy. It is the last week in two of my classes and I had a paper due in each. It is a major part of my grade so I was a bit stressed about it. Brooke also got her first stomach bug. Ahhhhh, the joys of a toddler spewing kool-aid out their nose and mouth while you hold them in your lap. Grape kool-aid! I wore it well and so did the whole couch. That went on for most of the day earlier this week. By the end of the day, I had been through a few loads of laundry between her clothes, my clothes, the cover for the cushions of the couch, a few blankets and towels. I tried to run her to the bathroom a couple times. Poor baby. Mommy is jerking her up and making a mad dash to the potty and trying to shove her poor head over it while she is uncontrollably projectile puking. Wow! It amazes me the distance a toddler can get with their puke! Thank goodness this is not my first child because it looked like a scene right out of Exorcist. Pretty positive that my oldest still holds the record for chucking across the room. If you look in the Guinness Book of World Record, you will see her picture! Uhhhhgggg! Ha ha!

Think....think....think! What else?? O! Brooke has a new obsession with diapering every doll, stuff animal, remote control or item that she can fit into a diaper. Needless to say whenever I run out of diapers, I snatch one from her baby doll. I woke up the other morning to Brooke moving my foot in the bed. I peeked down the bed and she was picking my foot up and laying it into a diaper. She nicely secured it with the straps and Wa----lah!!! My foot was wearing the Huggies brand diaper. I must admit. They are quite comfortable. Allows for plenty of moving without bunching of the diaper! Hee Heeee! Gotta love kids! That was a first in my life. Actually Brooke has had quite a bit of fun tormenting me this week. First the flying puke and THEN she decided to take a whole box of Frosted Mini Wheats (my fav) and attempt to fill her bowl! Ha! I caught this one with the camera. It is one of those throw yours hands up in the air moments. I mean I figured why not enjoy the moment right?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Really?? Wow. Guess what?? Brooke just walked out with pink lipstick smashed in her hair and all over her face. Give me a second and I will entertain with these pictures too! Yay me! This one is going to be fun to clean out of her hair!!!

Noah's got a football game tomorrow in Lexington. I am pretty pumped up! Got my Mom shirt with my babies' number and last name on the back! Yeah! Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrr! They are calling for rain tomorrow.....boooooooooo Mother Nature!!! Lets hope the local weather man is wrong.

Ok....well my Friday night's dilemma is trying to figure out which Pizza special to order. I DO NOT cook on Fridays, um or Saturdays and Sundayssssssss, also Mondays!!! Ok kidding. I do cook sometimes. :) I am not Betty Crocker but Betty Rocker!!! I am too cute for my kitchen.

Love ya!!!

xxOOxx

Unwanted Freedom

Ahhhh! It is Friday. That always makes me smile. No real complaints this week. I had a bit of a vacation from Momsville this week. My baby went out to visit her MawMaw and my older two were with Daddy. I almost did not know what to do with myself. How exactly did I use to exist when the only person I had to worry about was myself?? No freaking clue. I found myself walking in circles around myself. Isn't someone suppose to be yelling "Mommmmmm!" frantically so I can save the day?? My laundry is not piling up. My floor does not have baby cracker crumbs. No one has bloodied anyone's nose. Oh poo! No really, no poo. No Poo diapers to clean. What to do....what to do??? Okay, I feel like I am being punked. Someone is going to jump out any minute now and have my darling three gems standing beside them. "Surprise Mommy!!" Nope never happened. I was living the pre-married/divorced and three kids era. It baffled me. I had no clue how to manage my newly found time. I considered selling my extra time on e-bay. Hell! Why not make a buck or five?? Others have sold their body for advertising on e-bay. Oh well. Just as I finally got a little use to not being needed, wanted and demanded, the silence ended and they came home! Ahhh........chaos again. I love it. I have to have it. I think I prefer it. My crazy children are back! Please do not leave Mommy again. Wow!

Okay!! On another note, please go check downtowngreensboro.com for my the Latest HellCat's Meow. I did enjoy a Wine Wednesday during my down time this week. Feel free to leave comments here and THERE! Loving you all!

KY Jelly for my biscuit please!!

Thanks KY for giving me another hard to explain this to my children moment! Yeah! Another Mom babbling her way through "Mommy, what's that?" question!! Seriously. You have to advertise KY Jelly on TV during hours that my children can watch the commercial?? Not only that but you have to make the commercials so appealing that you almost made my children want to buy your product and start asking me for it. Guess KY has recently launched a new campaign to draw attention to their HIS and HER version of KY Jelly. They have advertised the fluck out of it lately. Yup, you guessed it. The commercial comes on during Brianna and Noah sitting on the couch. It was a butt puckering moment for sure. I never came up with a good response to their curiosity of what made the man and women sing opera from the bed. "What is KY Mom?" Uhhh!! "Is that the Jelly you put on your biscuit?" Ahhhhh!!! "Why are they eating in bed?" Some things I think are best not advertised. Come on now! I am having a hard enough time tap dancing around the birds and bees. I was smacked in the face last year with Noah demanding an explanation of "what is gay?" Do not forget Brianna's "Mom, no really. How exactly is that baby going to get out of your belly?" My children have a special talent of making Mom speechless. Almost an impossible task but they have freaking mastered it! What is appropriate to respond? I cannot keep using the phrase "it is a grown up thing." Not sure that one is going to keep flying me into their teenage years. Eow!

Looney Tooney

I am not sure if my Canadian Bacon's behavior lately has been a pay back of sorts. You know, the what goes around comes around moment. The thing your parents tell you that you will get in triple fold one day but it really does seem like it. All of a sudden my child has become possessed with evil. Has the ability to throw fits that you can literally see the steam coming out of her ears, her eyes turn fire red and her head begin to slowly spin around. Often it is unwarranted and sometimes without reasoning. She screams for something, I give it to her and she throws it at me. Of course she is still screaming at me. She wants to take a bath. I put her in the bath and she decides she does NOT want to take a bath two seconds into it. She will then start throwing the shampoo and conditioner bottles at me. Yeah, like she is seriously trying to physically harm me. What have I done to this kid? So of course, I quickly and gently JERK her out of the bath. Then she starts spazing out like she is having seizures and screaming to the top of her lungs!!! Do not forget about those freaking ham hog legs which she is slinging at me full force. Do you know how hard it is to grab a hold of a raging slippery wet toddler? What the hell is going on? I think we are getting close to the terrible two's which is a complete understatement of her current temper tantrums. I mean I realize that her gene pool consists of me, a hot headed - southern raised and F-Bomb throwing chic and her father, a huge Canadian professional hockey player who enjoyed slamming his fists into peoples' heads for a living but COME ON NOW. That does not mean that our DNA combined should create a miniature Tasmanian DEVIL. A nudist loving Tasmanian devil at that. Not only does she throw unexplainable irate fits but lots of time it is in the nude. I cannot keep her clothes on her anymore. She is constantly ripping of her shirt, pants and diaper off to run freely around the house. She gets highly frustrated at things when she cannot open them or cannot figure out how to make them work. The other day, she was trying to put a diaper on her baby doll. She apparently was having some issues figuring out how to velcro the sides together. All of sudden she picked up the baby and put it in a full nelson!! She then slung the poor battered baby across the room. She was screaming in baby jibber language this whole time. Pretty sure some of it should have been bleeped out by the language censoring people. She went freaking loony on me!! Oddly enough all of a sudden the fit stopped and she looked at me and smiled. Kind of scary. Kind of makes me sleep with one open at night. Really, I am a bit afraid of this kid. I do not remember this with my other two. What is going on!!!?? Someone please help me. Right now as we speak, she is throwing a huge fit over not being able to put her shoes on. She has knocked over the chair and slung one shoe into the kitchen. Wow. This kid has some anger issues. If anyone needs me, I will be hiding in the closet. I think that is the safest place for me right now. Worried she might decide to body slam me next. We do not call her the Canadian Bacon for nothing.

Tiptoeing away!!!

** Update **

Well I officially made my first blog article entry on downtowngreensboro.com. Yay! I went out Saturday night to Greene Street with the ladies to see The Plaids play. We had a good time representing downtowngreensboro.com and enjoying the sounds of The Plaids. Swing on by there to if you are interested in HellCat's Latest Meow.

As for anything else going on in my life.......hum! Apparently took her first tinkle in the baby potty without me witnessing it. She used toilet paper and everything. Not sure when this took place. I am extremely disappointed I missed this. She is 19 months old. I just placed the fake potty out a couple of weeks ago. No attempt has even been made to show her how to properly tinkle in the potty. Somehow she snuck one in on me. I only discovered it because there seemed to be a strong urine smell coming from that corner in the bathroom. I lifted the lid and sure enough there was pee and one small square of toilet paper thrown in there. I assume it happened one of the million times Brooke stripped herself naked and was running around. Brooke has also become a nudist lately. It is not always completely nude though. She really just prefers to run around topless. I figure she is practicing for her first trip to Mardi Gras. :)

Think....think...think! Noah had this weekend off from football. Starting to get anxious for another game! I ordered my shirt with my babies' name and number on it. Robertson number 88!!!! The weather is starting to cool off which is perfect for a Saturday football game. We only have four more games left. Wish I had the control over my son that the coach seems to have. Since Noah started football, he is afraid to act up at all. Not because of what awesome parents Heath and I are and how intimidating we can be. Nope. It is because he is scared shitless of his coach. Seriously explain how I birthed this child and do not have that control over him??

I am going to sit down here and watch American Gangster. Apparently this is a good movie and I am the last person on earth have NOT seen it. Pretty typical for me. I am normally the last person to have seen anything. Watching a movie takes too much time sitting still and doing absolutely nothing. That is not me. My ADHD legs and brain cannot stand it.

Toodles and Sweet Dreams
xxOOxx

All Squishy Inside

So......... : ) : ) :)

I drove my new car home last night and boy was it nice! I think I had a freaking perma grin on my face the whole ride home. Kind of looked like the joker. First thing I did when I hopped into my car was program MY radio stations. Luckily enough the radio stations were NOT playing commercials on my ride home. I did not bring any CD's. I depended on pure luck that the stations would play some rockin out in my new car worthy music. They did not let me down! I even enjoyed some American Girl by Tom Petty. Of course my booty shaking, hooker boot wearing angels were jamming with me (Note, this might make more sense if you read the post before this one)!! I took the long way home last night. Enjoying every bump in the back roads. It was nice to smoothly glide across them instead of feeling like you were in a popcorn making machine. I have to watch my heavy foot because I keep catching myself going faster then it feels like I am going. Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yup. I am a happy girl. Going to break this car in Saturday. As I mentioned us ladies are hitting up Greene Street. Quite a few of us ladies as a matter of fact. Going to enjoy some of The Plaids!! An awesome 80's cover band. I believe we are all pregaming at Kristy's house and heading out there around 11:00 PMish!! Hope to see some of you guys there. There will be lots of pictures and it will be your opportunity to have your face plastered on downtowngreensboro.com for my first official POST. :)

Ok----Gotta Work :( Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Giggle Boxxxx

I am a giggle box this evening. I got a new toy. A hardly earned and way over due new toy. I do not officially get to pick my new toy up until tomorrow. I am like a little kid waiting on Santa Claus. I cannot sleep! I have been watching the clock and I promise that somehow thirty seconds has been added to every minute. Every time I think about me driving my new toy off the lot tomorrow, I get this big ole grin on my face. I even have background theme music playing in my head as I visualize my moment of accomplishment. OK, so my toy is not exactly a new toy but more like someone else's older toy which is now mine! All mine!! I am going to be the proud Mommy or should I say Hot Mamasita to my very own Lexus RX300. This is where you envision the car and me in the passenger seat. Looking hot and applying my lipstick. Pink Diamond by Motives of course!! All of a sudden the sky opens up from above and this light shines down brightly on my new car........of course next you hear the angels singing loudly and dropping it like its hot in their red stilettos. Hush! This is my vision. Did I mention I am sporting new shades that are essential when driving your car around with that blinding light shining down from the heavens above. Do not want to accidentally get blinded and run over one of those sweet little booty shaking angels who are singing my background theme music. I have already thought up a few different CD's I want to burn to de-virginize my 6 disc changer. Probably going to try and slip that into my already really busy day tomorrow so I can have them ready to jam out to during my first official ride!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!! :) Oh boy, oh boy! :)3 Not to mention us girls are going to break the car in Saturday for Girl's Night Out. I have not been out with the ladies in over a month. I am doing my first feature on DowntownGreensboro.com of The Plaids who are playing this Saturday at Greene Street in Greensboro. Time to Doll Up and Rock out for sure!! I promise lots of pictures and a link to my first official post. Now I am just waiting to hear back about one more potential life rocking possible career change and then this week will totally be complete. I have been walking around all night with my toes crossed. Hard task to accomplish but I think I can keep it up. Just gonna have to trot around in open toes tomorrow to make room for my crossed over piggies!! You guys cross your fingers and piggies as well. Anyhow, just wanted to remind you that there is that wonderful guestbook located to the left. I love it when you guys leave messages in there! Also there is a reason that each post has a comment link under it. They are not just there for looks. Give it a go. Click on one and well, um, leave a spunking comment people!!!

Love you all! Cherries on Top!!
HellCat is on the prowl this WEEKEND!

Definitely Maybe

Definitely maybe you might know at this moment how you want your life to turn out. Definitely maybe you probably knew the same answer to the same life question 5 years ago. Definitely maybe you might have been right at that moment but so very wrong five minutes from then. I have had a lot of realizations about my definitely maybe moments in my recent life. I realized that just because you think it is, does not mean it is going to be. Every day you learn, grown and develop. Things that seemed written in code yesterday are oddly understandable today without reason. Your changing life brings lights to shadows lying in corners you never realized existed before. It opens trap doors which leads to new journeys and nails shut windows that you can never open again without risking damaging the window panes. You surprise yourself everyday with knowledge and wisdom you do not realize that life events have given to you. You wake up one day and wonder where yesterday went. You spend countless hours tracing steps that are untraceable and cannot be retracted. Definitely maybe can only be assured at this moment and it definitely maybe will not be the same again. There is no sense to my post today other than I definitely maybe have realized that life is not an already written book. You cannot turn to the last page and be assured that what you predicted in the beginning will definitely maybe happen. There is no last page.....just blank pages waiting to be filled. It seems to write itself as you go along. You make edits and improvements and sometimes rewrite a whole chapter because you have decided that your character no longer fits the original story line. It is your own biography which you get to spend every day improving. I believe that definitely maybe you can live life by the moment and for the moment but that very moment will not determine your tomorrow. You can end your book with a happy ending if you never accept the moment but yet embrace the dream.

:) Have I confused you yet??? I understand it and definitely maybe you will too!!