HellCat's Meow

Not So Love Letter to my Alarm Clock

2010-07-21T16:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Darling Alarm Clock,

We both know that we have been struggling with getting along since we first began this dysfunctional relationship. I know I am a little harsh on you at times. I realize you are just trying to make sure that I am a responsible adult and that I make it to work on time each day to ensure a roof over our heads. I really can appreciate that but I am thinking maybe I should make some suggestions in order to have this process end a little less violently for the both of us. You see, screeching in my ear and suddenly waking me up in an extreme panic right in the middle of a dream where Gerald Butler has finally realized I am the love of his life AND is on one knee asking for my hand in marriage is definitely NOT the way I want to start my day. Maybe you should consider gently nudging my shoulder a few times and whispering “good morning sunshine, time to wake up” or tickling my ear with a feather and speaking to me in sexy Australian accent. Or hey, here is an idea , if you can’t do accents, how about you try releasing the smell of fresh cooked eggs and country ham. Least then, my inevitable disappointment would be delayed until the point I realized you didn’t actually cook eggs and Country ham. Your so called alarm has become as revolting to me as the loud squawking noise that comes blaring out of a hawk who is having his insides pulled out through his pooper hole with a set of rusty pliers and no lubrication. This is not real appealing or motivating my dear. You have to understand why this normally results in my body jolting into the air with complete panic and me violently attacking you with my right fist and then propelling you across the room. Not exactly the way either one of us would like to start our day. Wouldn’t you agree??

I have to hand it to you though, you are persistent – unearthly-Jason-Vorhees-from-Friday-the13th-persistent.…because just when I am comfortably asleep again and dreaming of having my little piggies (more like finger toes) massaged by Channing Tatum you rise from the dead to ruin my hot, sexy and much needed quality time with Tom Cruise (In my dreams, he’s still the sane version, you know, before he was jumping on couches and I realized that he is actually shorter than most fifth graders). You think I complain too much? How about we switch places for a day? You can get your lazy @ss up and do all my morning chores and drive your happy little @ss into the office and complete all my work for me there too. I will be more than happy to scream in your ear until you finally reluctantly come rolling off my nightstand, grumbling in some Portuguese language, walking into doorways because the sleepy junk has glued your “eyes” shut and trip your way into the shower. You might not be so loud and obnoxious then.

You can imagine why these morning events would be a little more peaceful and maybe enjoyable if you put some effort into our relationship. This is a two-way street, buddy. How about slowly allowing me to accept the fact that it is time for my work day to begin? I don’t want to hit you anymore and I am sure you are tired of constantly enduring the unmentionable names I shout at you every morning. A gentle word from you and I might just be in the mood to caress your snooze button instead of beating you into a digital carcass. Let’s make this an enjoyable experience. Please! Any suggestions from you are welcomed as well. Something other than “GET YOUR F*CKING @SS UP NOW B!TCH, TIME FOR WORK!” would be appreciated, you know that is just not working for me anymore. Maybe if you can be a little sweeter in the morning, then I might find myself dreaming of erotic steamy showers with you instead of Vin Diesel. This would probably make us both a little bit happier (well, not really).

Always,

HellCat

QT with Dust Bunnies

2009-12-14T16:36:00.001-05:00

The only words that can properly be used to describe the story below would be “only me!”

So, the Canadian Bacon was a bit excited about a package with her Christmas presents that arrived from her Auntie Tara out in Vancouver, BC. I already knew the contents of the box. The smallest package contained an adorable princess book which had puzzle pieces to it. Simple and harmless enough you would think. I know it is not Christmas but I thought I would allow Bacon to open that one gift. It was all fun and games in the beginning. We went through every page reading the story and then taking apart and putting back together the puzzle with the story. Somehow during this fun and adorable mother/daughter bonding, a poor lonely puzzle piece slides between the wall and lands underneath the bed. “Oh toe!!!” shouts the Bacon. Piece of cake I was thinking. I can get that from behind the bed. The search is on now. I am glaring between the thin slit between my bed and the wall. Nothing. Ugh. I realize that I must actually get off my butt and climb down beside the bed and look to see if the piece had fallen further into the dust bunny land under the bed. Yup! Sure had. Just out of the reach of my arm. Well honestly, since I have a California King size bed, it was just out of the reach of two of my arm lengths. Ahhhhh ha! I see a clothes hanger. I start using the hanger to poke and jab at the puzzle piece to try and get that stubborn prissy pink piece ,which happened to be Cinderella’s head, to roll my way. Yeah, no such luck. Really, how difficult can this be? The whole time the Canadian Bacon is in the background still gasping “oh toe, oh toe Mommy.” If I could just get a few more inches closers to that piece than I am sure I could hook it with the hanger. I was slowly inching my body under the bed. It was a very tight squeeze but I sucked in my ribs and managed to get half my body under the bed and knocked the puzzle piece clear out from under the bed. The Bacon recovered it on the other side of the bed. I could see her chunky toes wiggling back and forth with excitement that she now could assemble Cinderalla’s head back to the puzzle. I was a bit relieved it was over too……..um, well, kind of because all at once I realized I could not move. I was seriously stuck. Somehow I had wedged myself so far up under the bed that I could not get out. The only thing sticking out from under the bed were my orange capri sweatpants. Think, think, think. There is no way I am stuck under this bed. The Bacon has now noticed that it is taking Mommy way too long to come out and she walks over to my side of the bed and lifts the skirting of the bed and says “you stuck Mommy?” “Well yes, baby, Mommy is stuck.” I replied. Her mouth opens wide and she exclaims with both hands on her face “oh toe, Mommy stuck!” I was hoping my sister was still in the house and had not went to work yet. I sent the Bacon searching for her “Ash-wee. Oh toe! Mommy stuck. Bed got Mommy stuck!” I did not hear any answer from Ashley. This situation seems to be getting worse. The Bacon got to thinking before I did and slid my cell phone up under the bed to me. I started making phone calls. The first of course was to Ashley to explain my dilemma who I think through the snorting and laughing said she was on her way over. The other was to my Mother because if anyone else should get to witness this, it would be her and then I start receiving phone calls while laying under the bed and since I had nothing better to do than start naming the dust bunnies, I figured what the hay, why not answer them. My favorite part of these conversations was when you say “hello” and they respond with “hey, whatcha doing?” I am pretty sure I did my part in giving giggles to some of my friends. Odd to me is that every single one of them would say, are you sure you are stuck? Um, hell yeah! I cannot move. I am not voluntarily showing up for a dust bunnies Girl Scout meeting under my own bed. All this time, the Bacon is jumping on the bed on top of me and having fun landing on my butt. This is when I realize that I probably should not have guzzled that soda earlier. My rib cages were beginning to get real sore and I was plotting ways to remove my lady lumps to wedge myself out from under the bed. Just when I could not take any more I hear my sister’s cackle and what I am sure to be the flash of a camera! She made sure to get a few more of those also! Thanks Ash-Wee!!!!! Thank goodness she arrived. I had become so close with this one dust bunny that we were discussing matching tattoos.

I am free!!!

New Awakening

2009-09-08T23:20:00.003-04:00

It is time for HellCat to wake up. I need to crawl out from under my very fashionably decorated rock and check on my blog fans. I have taken way too much time off. My vacation is over. I am back. Ready to rambling and rant about anything and everything going on in my world, the kids world, my odd moo moo neighbor's world and blast it off into the wonderful blog disco land world while riding my disco stick through the trails winding through your brains. Can you handle it? Are you ready to understand for ten seconds and get confused in the next five seconds? I even have the very best 70's music blasting in the background to add to the mood. HellCat has on her tight leather pants and moccasins boots. Hair all beaded in piggy tails and tattooed pictures of all the zodiac signs in all the unbearable places on her body. Apparently Hellcat has been deprived from the real world and decided to make her own world up under that rock she had been chilling under. Pretty comfortable place. Lava lamp, disco ball and beanie bag chairs. Not to mention the lovely beads that hang down from the door ways. The curiosity of what is behind those beads starts making you curious. What in the hell is in there? Are you scared?? Come on, tip, toe one ittle bittle foot past the unknown that this door offers. Come on in and join me. let's find out what the HellCat has been up to and what hurricane of thoughts she has blasting around in her tiny blonde head that needs to be released. Until the next time, it might be best if you run out the stores and and buy out all the milk and bread.....board up all the windows and make sure there are plenty of candles to be lit. There is no telling what a storm is about to be released. She is called HellCat for a reason. Hope you guys are ready. I am! See you tomorrow night for my first off the wall antics.
xoxo

Canadian Bacon's Meow

2009-02-26T21:11:00.003-05:00

I should just rename my blog the Canadian Bacon's Meow. It seems she is the leader of my life these days and holds the spotlight when it comes to my stories. Oh my is she a hand full and a half........times five! That two year old is winding the ticker in my back and setting me free into whatever direction she would like to send me for the day. I have seriously considered contacting Nanny 911 or whatever that show is. Dear funny speaking British lady, if you happen to accidentally fall upon this blog and see my big white surrender flag flying high then come quickly or send your mean British Nanny cousin to assist me. I am afraid the Canadian Bacon does not speak southern Mommy slang and laughs at my "No Ma'am". She has no fear of heights when trying to sneak a cookie or M&M's and threatens to beat me in the middle of Target. I am not exaggerating. I jokingly told the Bacon while shopping at Target that if she touched one more thing, I would beat her. Um, yeah! Her response was in Canadian Bacon lingo...."No, I eat u Mum! Which I think she meant beat me, not eat me. Who knows with that kids appetite. She is named the Canadian Bacon for one reason. Well, two reasons. Her Daddy is Canadian and she is a big chunky BACON! She takes her food very seriously and unfortunately seems to lean towards the unhealthy food groups. In the Bacon's world, french fries could be exchanged as money. If you had a hundred dollar bill in your left hand and one single french fry in right, Brooke would take your right hand off trying to devour that fry!!! No kidding. I cannot pass a McDonald's without her screaming "BENCH BRY" which obviously is french fry. We do not eat McDonald's that often. Maybe once, at the most twice a month. I thought I had done a good job keeping my kids healthy. My other two do not have this issue. Let me give you a perfect example of the Bacon demanding some greasy intake. I had to go to CVS Pharmacy this evening. Needed to pick up my prescription. I pull up to the window and give the pharmacy lady my name and she shuts the window to get my prescription. Brooke immediately starts screaming "Bench Bry, Bench Bryyyy, BEEEEEEEEEENCHHHHHH BRY!" Great, now my kid is conditioned to believe that a drive-thru means she gets some greasy cellulite inducing french fries. I kept telling the Bacon that "CVS does not make BENCH BRIES my dear butter butt." "Mommy is very sorry but no BENCH BRIES tonight." She starts getting really angry and the Pharmacist has returned to the window. Suddenly, the Bacon launches her naked baby doll at me. It nearly missed my head! Geez! I was almost assaulted by a naked Baby Love a Lots doll. Nice. Real Nice. I signed my receipt and collected my prescription. We pulled off with no BENCH BRIES and an extremely pissed Canadian Bacon. Maybe I should have nicknamed this kid the Canadian Bull (not sure if there is such a thing). The Bacon was fuming and I think I saw her eyes turn red. She was sure I was holding out too. Of course she saw the Pharmacist lady hand me a bag. Normally any bag that comes from a drive-thru window is packed with BENCH BRIES!!! I had to open the bag and show her there were not any BENCH BRIES. I felt like I was being interrogated by a midget speaking in tongue. I just wanted to say.........wait a gosh darn minute, who runs this show here? No really, who runs this show? I think I need help. Anyone got any good suggestions on books to read?? I seem to be struggling on making it obvious who the Mommy is here!

Bye Bye To My Favorite Jeans

2009-02-18T22:53:00.001-05:00

Sadly, I am writing to say a farewell to my favorite pair of jeans. Unfortunately, I ripped a fist size hole below my back pocket today. My jeans were starting to show geriatric signs recently and I knew it was not long from happening. They had been downgraded from the Make My Ass Look Good jeans that you would wear out with the girls at a bar, to the flip flops and sweatshirt jeans you love to lounge in. I was happy with them being downgraded. We had grown close. We spent many of hours doing house work and laundry together. Making unexpected trips to the grocery or gas station. They were always ready and unwrinkled. Felt like home when I slipped my legs into them. They fit like a glove where it counted and stretch where needed. We were a team together! I think I am tearing up over this loss! Like I say, I knew it was going to happen soon but I had no freaking clue that today when I lowered my right leg to climb off the stool in the kitchen, that I would hear such a horrifying RIPPPPPPPP echoing through the room and feel such a chilling breeze adventure between my butt cheeks to signify the spirit of my favorite jeans escaping. I have tried to figure out a way to downgrade my already downgraded jeans and somehow save them but I think this is a lost cause. I could patch it up but the jeans then lose their original comfort. I decided I would place a picture of the ripped jeans on my site as a memorial of such. Any nice thoughts or memories you may have with these jeans or with me while wearing these jeans are very welcomed! Sniffle, Sniffle. I think I will be able to pull it together. I am currently hanging out in my favorite sweatpants to try and relieve me of the pain that my loss today is causing.

Tap Tap ***** U guys out there?

2009-02-17T15:41:00.004-05:00

Um, hello. Shhhh! Do not yell at me!!!!! I know I disappeared and left you guys sitting here with no reason about where or why I left. I have been contemplating my departure as well and honestly, I have no good reason. I was stalling for my new web page to be complete but than I just lingered longer for no damn good reason. I could have my Mom write me a "Please excuse HellCat for being absent note" but not really sure that would be sufficient. I noticed some tumbleweeds rolling around on my poor site (thanks Chuck) and figured attention was way over due. I Figured it was time for Ms. HellCat to kick herself in the be-hind. Thank goodness I am flexible enough for my foot to reach my rear. I took care of that chore this AM (aka this morning) and placed a nice little Nike imprint on my arse! Hope you guys are happy!! Wish I had some good material to throw out to you guys today. Just warming myself up to this whole writing thing again.

Lets do a miniature update on my life. Hmmmmm....lets see! Brianna turned 11 (oh lord the hormones are overwhelming) and Um, Christmas happened....New Years happened.....January was cold and had no excitement. February brought the Canadian Bacon's birthday on February 8th and lastly I boycotted Valentines by wearing all black and going out with all my lady friends. What else? Oh, I am taking a class this weekend to get certified as a personal trainer. So if any of you(s) need to get rid of some fluff in your puff than I will be able to assist you shortly. "You can do it!" Ha ha! Does anyone remember Tony Little or is my Mom the only one that had his VHS workout tapes?

Ok, of course I will post a picture of my Black Valentines and promise to come back tomorrow.

Big Baby

2008-11-28T22:32:00.006-05:00

Mom -- "You are a big baby Brianna!!" "Stop whining"

Brianna -- "Mom, I would rather be a big baby than an adult any day."

Mom -- (Silence)...................(thinking in my head of a smart reply but I am positive the pre-teen just out whitted me.) (WTF!!!) (OMG, she is right.) (Ok, got to say something back) "GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM!!!!!"

Over the Heels I go!!!!

2008-11-25T00:42:00.004-05:00

I finally went to my first college football game this weekend!!! I was super duper pumped and went over board in my accessories! Ha haaaa ha heee (snort)! Expected from me huh?? If you are going to do it then make sure you over do it! Right?? That's my motto. I am kind of digging my new blue fluff and mile long nose picking finger! Whatcha think???

Unfortunately, I was dubbed the team's UNLUCKY charm. As most of you have already heard, the heels were spanked with a bright red wooden paddle by N.C. State. Unfortunately, the wolf pack added some black to our blue and without much opposition from our team. It still was an awesome experience and I am very thankful for Mr. Tim the Fundraising Stud Tompkins for my first live True Blue Tarheels venture!!! I am hooked. I will be true to the REAL blue for a life time now!

Quack Quack

2008-11-18T20:23:00.003-05:00

I love the human's ability to over-analyze. Here is a good example. On facebook you have the option to put a status message on your profile. It is a fun way to let everyone know how you are doing for the day or what is going on in your life. Some of us with more creative juices often take our option of the status message and over-indulge!!!

My status message today read as follows:

"Catrina says A duck wearing bunny ears is still a f*cking duck no matter how bad you want the bastard to hop, he is liable to quack."

Now please read the comments that followed my status message. They are rather entertaining and by the end of the last status, you completely forget what we were chatting about in the first place.

Response # 1:
but if he does quack, will there be an echo?

Response # 2:
if he quacks in french does the echo count if you only understand english quacking??

Response #3:
But what if there is no one to hear the quack, will is still make a sound?

Response #4:
either way I guess the duck has more to do than us on a Tues afternoon

Response #5:
I often do not hear you guys quack but am positive that still makes you a quack so my answer is yes!!!

Response #6:
If it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck...

Response #7:
Then it is not a bunny???

Response #8:
they're nice and cute and cuddly while the bunny ears are on - but we all know what's really underneath that fuzzy white disguise... feathers and a f*cking quacker. yep. i said quacker.

Response #9:
Can you show me your quacker please!!! :)

Hope you enjoyed! That is all I got for today!!!!! Once my brain stops hibernating than maybe HellCat's Meow can return back to its normal daily spaz-tastic posts!!

~ Raining Cows and Horses ~

2008-11-14T23:11:00.003-05:00

Holy Moly!! I am going to have to build a boat to make it out of my house tomorrow. Forget raining cats and dogs. I think it is raining cows and horses! Geezus! If the saying about rain being when the angels are crying than I think we need to offer some Prozac to them angels. Apparently there has been an overload of prayer requests lately with the fall of our economic system. From the looks of outside, I think the angels threw their hands up in the air and screamed out in tears "I cannot take it anymore!!" "What is wrong with you people!!!" "Always getting yourselves in over your head and then you turn to us to bail you out!!!!!!!!!" Ha ha! Or something like that. I guess one good thing is coming out of this rain. My car sure was needing a good wash job. Yay. One thing checked off my list for this weekend. Clean car........CHECK! How cool is that? I have been rather productive as my fluffy puff is resting in the sinfully comfortable lounge chair. Did not even have to lift a finger. Guess I should send a thank you note to the menstrual angels who decided to flood our southern lands today. :)

The Twinkling Canadian Bacon

2008-11-13T15:27:00.003-05:00

Check out Ms. Canadian Bacon! Ha ha! She is going to kill me when I show this picture to her first boyfriend 30 years from now. The potty training process has begun and is rolling at full steam ahead! She can even say "uh oh" when she accidental twinkles in her diaper. She races to the Blue Clues potty ripping her diaper! So far, it has been too late once she got there. She seems to get the point though. It helps that this potty annoyingly sings "It's toilet paper time" and gives props to the pooping toddler when something lands in the bottom. This is all fun for me right now. The idea of no longer changing a diaper is awesome. Do you realize my oldest will be 11 in December. That means that I have been changing diapers on and off for 11 years. Yeah! A bit long. Brooke has trained herself to apply her own diaper now though. It is awesome. She will lay the diaper down flat and opened AND THENNNN she will straddle the diaper and strap it around herself. Nice little trick. Makes Mommy happy. :) We are breaking out the big girl panties today!! Da DUMMMMM! My baby is growing up. Before long my Piggy-Bella will be sporting some Dora the Explorer cotton Hoo Hoo hiders! She will def be a hot mess!!!

Canadian Bacon becomes a Devil

2008-11-04T14:01:00.007-05:00

Oh my! My Canadian Bacon unleashed her inner devil and took on the task of becoming a trick or treating professional. I mean she performed like it was her job. She took every second seriously and wasted no time between destinations. Do you see the seriousness in her look?? She figured out that if she kept her horns on and approached strange doors people would throw candy in her pumkin head bucket!! It was on and in full steam ahead mode for the rest of the evening! She never said one word to the strangers. She just waddled up the steps and held out her pumkin head bucket. What a wonderful noise that candy makes hitting the bottom of the bucket and being released into her custody! If only that candy knew the destiny it was about to take on. Num Num Num!!!! As soon as they dropped candy into her pumpkin head bucket, she was on to the next. Thank Ma'am, please give me some more!!! Wow O Wow! We headed back to the house after about an hour. She had hit the mother load of candy and was ready to indulge. Like my bacon needs more fluff to her puff! Little did she know that Big Bad Mommy was about to introduce her to the horrible communists way of rationing. She tried to rear her bacon head at me a few times. We battled hard over that pumpkin head full of candy but I did come out on top. Not sure I could survive the bacon on sugar overload!!!

Hope you guys enjoyed the pictures!! Love ya!

Lord Help Me

2008-10-24T17:14:00.011-04:00

Explanation to follow:

This is Brooke giving me the STINK EYE after I fussed at her for this mess!!!

Brooke helping to clean up :) Thanks Babe!!!!!!

*************************************************************************

I miss you guys too!! Thanks for poking me until I got off my boo(tay) and blogged! This week has been crazy. It is the last week in two of my classes and I had a paper due in each. It is a major part of my grade so I was a bit stressed about it. Brooke also got her first stomach bug. Ahhhhh, the joys of a toddler spewing kool-aid out their nose and mouth while you hold them in your lap. Grape kool-aid! I wore it well and so did the whole couch. That went on for most of the day earlier this week. By the end of the day, I had been through a few loads of laundry between her clothes, my clothes, the cover for the cushions of the couch, a few blankets and towels. I tried to run her to the bathroom a couple times. Poor baby. Mommy is jerking her up and making a mad dash to the potty and trying to shove her poor head over it while she is uncontrollably projectile puking. Wow! It amazes me the distance a toddler can get with their puke! Thank goodness this is not my first child because it looked like a scene right out of Exorcist. Pretty positive that my oldest still holds the record for chucking across the room. If you look in the Guinness Book of World Record, you will see her picture! Uhhhhgggg! Ha ha!

Think....think....think! What else?? O! Brooke has a new obsession with diapering every doll, stuff animal, remote control or item that she can fit into a diaper. Needless to say whenever I run out of diapers, I snatch one from her baby doll. I woke up the other morning to Brooke moving my foot in the bed. I peeked down the bed and she was picking my foot up and laying it into a diaper. She nicely secured it with the straps and Wa----lah!!! My foot was wearing the Huggies brand diaper. I must admit. They are quite comfortable. Allows for plenty of moving without bunching of the diaper! Hee Heeee! Gotta love kids! That was a first in my life. Actually Brooke has had quite a bit of fun tormenting me this week. First the flying puke and THEN she decided to take a whole box of Frosted Mini Wheats (my fav) and attempt to fill her bowl! Ha! I caught this one with the camera. It is one of those throw yours hands up in the air moments. I mean I figured why not enjoy the moment right?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Really?? Wow. Guess what?? Brooke just walked out with pink lipstick smashed in her hair and all over her face. Give me a second and I will entertain with these pictures too! Yay me! This one is going to be fun to clean out of her hair!!!

Noah's got a football game tomorrow in Lexington. I am pretty pumped up! Got my Mom shirt with my babies' number and last name on the back! Yeah! Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrr! They are calling for rain tomorrow.....boooooooooo Mother Nature!!! Lets hope the local weather man is wrong.

Ok....well my Friday night's dilemma is trying to figure out which Pizza special to order. I DO NOT cook on Fridays, um or Saturdays and Sundayssssssss, also Mondays!!! Ok kidding. I do cook sometimes. :) I am not Betty Crocker but Betty Rocker!!! I am too cute for my kitchen.

Love ya!!!

xxOOxx

Unwanted Freedom

2008-10-18T00:11:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh! It is Friday. That always makes me smile. No real complaints this week. I had a bit of a vacation from Momsville this week. My baby went out to visit her MawMaw and my older two were with Daddy. I almost did not know what to do with myself. How exactly did I use to exist when the only person I had to worry about was myself?? No freaking clue. I found myself walking in circles around myself. Isn't someone suppose to be yelling "Mommmmmm!" frantically so I can save the day?? My laundry is not piling up. My floor does not have baby cracker crumbs. No one has bloodied anyone's nose. Oh poo! No really, no poo. No Poo diapers to clean. What to do....what to do??? Okay, I feel like I am being punked. Someone is going to jump out any minute now and have my darling three gems standing beside them. "Surprise Mommy!!" Nope never happened. I was living the pre-married/divorced and three kids era. It baffled me. I had no clue how to manage my newly found time. I considered selling my extra time on e-bay. Hell! Why not make a buck or five?? Others have sold their body for advertising on e-bay. Oh well. Just as I finally got a little use to not being needed, wanted and demanded, the silence ended and they came home! Ahhh........chaos again. I love it. I have to have it. I think I prefer it. My crazy children are back! Please do not leave Mommy again. Wow!

Okay!! On another note, please go check downtowngreensboro.com for my the Latest HellCat's Meow. I did enjoy a Wine Wednesday during my down time this week. Feel free to leave comments here and THERE! Loving you all!

KY Jelly for my biscuit please!!

2008-10-12T22:04:00.006-04:00

Thanks KY for giving me another hard to explain this to my children moment! Yeah! Another Mom babbling her way through "Mommy, what's that?" question!! Seriously. You have to advertise KY Jelly on TV during hours that my children can watch the commercial?? Not only that but you have to make the commercials so appealing that you almost made my children want to buy your product and start asking me for it. Guess KY has recently launched a new campaign to draw attention to their HIS and HER version of KY Jelly. They have advertised the fluck out of it lately. Yup, you guessed it. The commercial comes on during Brianna and Noah sitting on the couch. It was a butt puckering moment for sure. I never came up with a good response to their curiosity of what made the man and women sing opera from the bed. "What is KY Mom?" Uhhh!! "Is that the Jelly you put on your biscuit?" Ahhhhh!!! "Why are they eating in bed?" Some things I think are best not advertised. Come on now! I am having a hard enough time tap dancing around the birds and bees. I was smacked in the face last year with Noah demanding an explanation of "what is gay?" Do not forget Brianna's "Mom, no really. How exactly is that baby going to get out of your belly?" My children have a special talent of making Mom speechless. Almost an impossible task but they have freaking mastered it! What is appropriate to respond? I cannot keep using the phrase "it is a grown up thing." Not sure that one is going to keep flying me into their teenage years. Eow!

Looney Tooney

2008-10-09T18:01:00.004-04:00

I am not sure if my Canadian Bacon's behavior lately has been a pay back of sorts. You know, the what goes around comes around moment. The thing your parents tell you that you will get in triple fold one day but it really does seem like it. All of a sudden my child has become possessed with evil. Has the ability to throw fits that you can literally see the steam coming out of her ears, her eyes turn fire red and her head begin to slowly spin around. Often it is unwarranted and sometimes without reasoning. She screams for something, I give it to her and she throws it at me. Of course she is still screaming at me. She wants to take a bath. I put her in the bath and she decides she does NOT want to take a bath two seconds into it. She will then start throwing the shampoo and conditioner bottles at me. Yeah, like she is seriously trying to physically harm me. What have I done to this kid? So of course, I quickly and gently JERK her out of the bath. Then she starts spazing out like she is having seizures and screaming to the top of her lungs!!! Do not forget about those freaking ham hog legs which she is slinging at me full force. Do you know how hard it is to grab a hold of a raging slippery wet toddler? What the hell is going on? I think we are getting close to the terrible two's which is a complete understatement of her current temper tantrums. I mean I realize that her gene pool consists of me, a hot headed - southern raised and F-Bomb throwing chic and her father, a huge Canadian professional hockey player who enjoyed slamming his fists into peoples' heads for a living but COME ON NOW. That does not mean that our DNA combined should create a miniature Tasmanian DEVIL. A nudist loving Tasmanian devil at that. Not only does she throw unexplainable irate fits but lots of time it is in the nude. I cannot keep her clothes on her anymore. She is constantly ripping of her shirt, pants and diaper off to run freely around the house. She gets highly frustrated at things when she cannot open them or cannot figure out how to make them work. The other day, she was trying to put a diaper on her baby doll. She apparently was having some issues figuring out how to velcro the sides together. All of sudden she picked up the baby and put it in a full nelson!! She then slung the poor battered baby across the room. She was screaming in baby jibber language this whole time. Pretty sure some of it should have been bleeped out by the language censoring people. She went freaking loony on me!! Oddly enough all of a sudden the fit stopped and she looked at me and smiled. Kind of scary. Kind of makes me sleep with one open at night. Really, I am a bit afraid of this kid. I do not remember this with my other two. What is going on!!!?? Someone please help me. Right now as we speak, she is throwing a huge fit over not being able to put her shoes on. She has knocked over the chair and slung one shoe into the kitchen. Wow. This kid has some anger issues. If anyone needs me, I will be hiding in the closet. I think that is the safest place for me right now. Worried she might decide to body slam me next. We do not call her the Canadian Bacon for nothing.

Tiptoeing away!!!

Update

2008-10-06T21:12:00.003-04:00

Well I officially made my first blog article entry on downtowngreensboro.com. Yay! I went out Saturday night to Greene Street with the ladies to see The Plaids play. We had a good time representing downtowngreensboro.com and enjoying the sounds of The Plaids. Swing on by there to if you are interested in HellCat's Latest Meow.

As for anything else going on in my life.......hum! Apparently took her first tinkle in the baby potty without me witnessing it. She used toilet paper and everything. Not sure when this took place. I am extremely disappointed I missed this. She is 19 months old. I just placed the fake potty out a couple of weeks ago. No attempt has even been made to show her how to properly tinkle in the potty. Somehow she snuck one in on me. I only discovered it because there seemed to be a strong urine smell coming from that corner in the bathroom. I lifted the lid and sure enough there was pee and one small square of toilet paper thrown in there. I assume it happened one of the million times Brooke stripped herself naked and was running around. Brooke has also become a nudist lately. It is not always completely nude though. She really just prefers to run around topless. I figure she is practicing for her first trip to Mardi Gras. :)

Think....think...think! Noah had this weekend off from football. Starting to get anxious for another game! I ordered my shirt with my babies' name and number on it. Robertson number 88!!!! The weather is starting to cool off which is perfect for a Saturday football game. We only have four more games left. Wish I had the control over my son that the coach seems to have. Since Noah started football, he is afraid to act up at all. Not because of what awesome parents Heath and I are and how intimidating we can be. Nope. It is because he is scared shitless of his coach. Seriously explain how I birthed this child and do not have that control over him??

I am going to sit down here and watch American Gangster. Apparently this is a good movie and I am the last person on earth have NOT seen it. Pretty typical for me. I am normally the last person to have seen anything. Watching a movie takes too much time sitting still and doing absolutely nothing. That is not me. My ADHD legs and brain cannot stand it.

Toodles and Sweet Dreams
xxOOxx

All Squishy Inside

2008-10-03T09:59:00.003-04:00

So......... : ) : ) :)

I drove my new car home last night and boy was it nice! I think I had a freaking perma grin on my face the whole ride home. Kind of looked like the joker. First thing I did when I hopped into my car was program MY radio stations. Luckily enough the radio stations were NOT playing commercials on my ride home. I did not bring any CD's. I depended on pure luck that the stations would play some rockin out in my new car worthy music. They did not let me down! I even enjoyed some American Girl by Tom Petty. Of course my booty shaking, hooker boot wearing angels were jamming with me (Note, this might make more sense if you read the post before this one)!! I took the long way home last night. Enjoying every bump in the back roads. It was nice to smoothly glide across them instead of feeling like you were in a popcorn making machine. I have to watch my heavy foot because I keep catching myself going faster then it feels like I am going. Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yup. I am a happy girl. Going to break this car in Saturday. As I mentioned us ladies are hitting up Greene Street. Quite a few of us ladies as a matter of fact. Going to enjoy some of The Plaids!! An awesome 80's cover band. I believe we are all pregaming at Kristy's house and heading out there around 11:00 PMish!! Hope to see some of you guys there. There will be lots of pictures and it will be your opportunity to have your face plastered on downtowngreensboro.com for my first official POST. :)

Ok----Gotta Work :( Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Giggle Boxxxx

2008-10-01T23:36:00.004-04:00

I am a giggle box this evening. I got a new toy. A hardly earned and way over due new toy. I do not officially get to pick my new toy up until tomorrow. I am like a little kid waiting on Santa Claus. I cannot sleep! I have been watching the clock and I promise that somehow thirty seconds has been added to every minute. Every time I think about me driving my new toy off the lot tomorrow, I get this big ole grin on my face. I even have background theme music playing in my head as I visualize my moment of accomplishment. OK, so my toy is not exactly a new toy but more like someone else's older toy which is now mine! All mine!! I am going to be the proud Mommy or should I say Hot Mamasita to my very own Lexus RX300. This is where you envision the car and me in the passenger seat. Looking hot and applying my lipstick. Pink Diamond by Motives of course!! All of a sudden the sky opens up from above and this light shines down brightly on my new car........of course next you hear the angels singing loudly and dropping it like its hot in their red stilettos. Hush! This is my vision. Did I mention I am sporting new shades that are essential when driving your car around with that blinding light shining down from the heavens above. Do not want to accidentally get blinded and run over one of those sweet little booty shaking angels who are singing my background theme music. I have already thought up a few different CD's I want to burn to de-virginize my 6 disc changer. Probably going to try and slip that into my already really busy day tomorrow so I can have them ready to jam out to during my first official ride!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!! :) Oh boy, oh boy! :)3 Not to mention us girls are going to break the car in Saturday for Girl's Night Out. I have not been out with the ladies in over a month. I am doing my first feature on DowntownGreensboro.com of The Plaids who are playing this Saturday at Greene Street in Greensboro. Time to Doll Up and Rock out for sure!! I promise lots of pictures and a link to my first official post. Now I am just waiting to hear back about one more potential life rocking possible career change and then this week will totally be complete. I have been walking around all night with my toes crossed. Hard task to accomplish but I think I can keep it up. Just gonna have to trot around in open toes tomorrow to make room for my crossed over piggies!! You guys cross your fingers and piggies as well. Anyhow, just wanted to remind you that there is that wonderful guestbook located to the left. I love it when you guys leave messages in there! Also there is a reason that each post has a comment link under it. They are not just there for looks. Give it a go. Click on one and well, um, leave a spunking comment people!!!

Love you all! Cherries on Top!!
HellCat is on the prowl this WEEKEND!

Definitely Maybe

2008-09-29T22:44:00.002-04:00

Definitely maybe you might know at this moment how you want your life to turn out. Definitely maybe you probably knew the same answer to the same life question 5 years ago. Definitely maybe you might have been right at that moment but so very wrong five minutes from then. I have had a lot of realizations about my definitely maybe moments in my recent life. I realized that just because you think it is, does not mean it is going to be. Every day you learn, grown and develop. Things that seemed written in code yesterday are oddly understandable today without reason. Your changing life brings lights to shadows lying in corners you never realized existed before. It opens trap doors which leads to new journeys and nails shut windows that you can never open again without risking damaging the window panes. You surprise yourself everyday with knowledge and wisdom you do not realize that life events have given to you. You wake up one day and wonder where yesterday went. You spend countless hours tracing steps that are untraceable and cannot be retracted. Definitely maybe can only be assured at this moment and it definitely maybe will not be the same again. There is no sense to my post today other than I definitely maybe have realized that life is not an already written book. You cannot turn to the last page and be assured that what you predicted in the beginning will definitely maybe happen. There is no last page.....just blank pages waiting to be filled. It seems to write itself as you go along. You make edits and improvements and sometimes rewrite a whole chapter because you have decided that your character no longer fits the original story line. It is your own biography which you get to spend every day improving. I believe that definitely maybe you can live life by the moment and for the moment but that very moment will not determine your tomorrow. You can end your book with a happy ending if you never accept the moment but yet embrace the dream.

:) Have I confused you yet??? I understand it and definitely maybe you will too!!

Edible Flowers

2008-09-26T15:55:00.003-04:00

Do you know how frustrating it is to me that I have now written my blog post twice only to find when I post it that it is not there. Not only that but I cannot hit the back button to retrieve it either. For now on my posts will be written on my WORD program and be saved on my laptop so that I do not have to freaking duplicate my duplicated work again. I mean really. I produced work and then had to duplicate it. Now I am having to duplicate my duplication and honestly not sure I have the energy to explain one more freaking time that I learned today that some flowers are edible. Here is a LIST for you to click on! Enjoy some flowers with your pork chops tonight. The last two posts also went into detail about the cost effectiveness of edible underwear but I am not going back into detail about that now. Done with this conversation. Actually I am quite freaking angry with this right now. Not much longer and I will be moved over the hellcatsmeow.com and it will allow for easier editing and less glitches like this!! The domain name has already been registered but the page is just not up yet. Not much longer!! Just need to kick Matt in gear.

Downtowngreensboro.com is still under way as well. Me and some of the ladies are heading out to Greene Street to see The Plaids play Saturday, October 4th. This will be the first article written on my behalf and will include lots of fun pictures of me and my crazy girls and who ever else decides to join in with the festivities. The Plaids always pull a fun energetic crowd. Should be a good time.............I mean HELL it will be a freaking awesome time.

Ok, I gotta run. This whole blogger experience has stressed me out. I think I am going to go binge eat on a bag of flowers! Yeah! Take that!!!!

Boxing Day Legal Style

2008-09-24T11:06:00.006-04:00

~ My Boxing Day Uniform ~

The case settled. The case that have taken over my life and haunted my dreams every night for the past five months. IT has been alive and running since 2000 but just infected me with it's annoyingly overload of paperwork and body numbing case review. Of course it waits until less than a week from trial and after numerous hours and a whole forest of trees have been killed to prepare for trial but nonetheless IT SETTLED!! Now comes the extremely fun part of breaking down all the files for storage. This is the manual labor and get dirty part. The part that means that my pretty nails will exist no more after these next two days. That is BULLSHIT! I need some compensation for the nicely manicured nails that are about to get ruined. Ok, not really nicely manicured. I really did them watching the new series of 90210 which unfortunately I have become stupidly and embarrassingly addicted too. I wore a super cute linen button up cream shirt with a high belt to tie around it and some mocha editor style dress pants. O-O not to mention my freaking adorable blue shoes which are trimmed in brown. Do not worry.....photos will follow my Spaz Cat rant in uno momento por favor. Eeee?? Not sure where my yo quero taco bell moment just came from. Apparently I also have a spanish personality hiding in my freakish head!! Back to what I was saying this is not really something that you want to be dealing with dirty eeky papers and dusty boxes. Not to mention I am pretty sure that this is going to take anywhere from 10 - 20 boxes to empty the huge three filing cabinets, the war room and the downstairs conference room full of USELESS prepared documents. Had to throw in the useless part because I have a really hard time understanding the man power and hours that are put into preparing for a war that never happens. Yesterday I was working delinquently on a list of close to 500 exhibits. I had to manually go through each exhibit and label it in a chart that would be presented to the court and other counsel. I was at like 300 which meant I have been doing it for a while. I took a break so that I can gobble down some yummy M&M's which Donna keeps an endless supply of on her desk. I walked past Anne who nonchalantly said "settled". I stopped in my tracks and did a reverse moon walk!! Yeah, Michael Jackson has nothing on me folds! "Uh, we what?" "Settled??" She looked at me with a smirk and replied "yup, settled!" So that means that everything I was in the middle of working on and trying to produce to the standard of trial is now done and ready to be packed away and collect little dust bunnies. Not done because I got to complete the project but done because the attorneys in this case finally resolved the issue which in my opinion could have happened in July during mediation and before the over $20,000 in legal fees had accrued for the month of August and double that likely in September. So that's it. If anyone has wondered where my creative motivation has gone or just basically where I have gone than here is your answer. Sorry to neglect everyone. I will try and get my priorities straight next time. My apologies please kind ma'ams and penis heads! Carry on buddies. I will be back tomorrow!!

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sorry, that was a delayed sugar rush from my overly wonderful sweet tea from Bojangles. Uh, huh! I had Bo-Rounds too. Haa haa! Num Num Num! :)

Skinny Jeans Jig

2008-09-17T20:35:00.004-04:00

How come because I am skinny I cannot complain about feeling fat? I am not saying I am fat. I am saying I feel fat today. There is a difference. I almost feel like my butt is double it's size today. I know it is it's same normal size but it feels swollen or something. I think it is because I have not seen the inside of my gym which I pay a monthly fee for since June. I think it is my butt and thighs' way of sending out a message to my brain that my body needs some maintenance. It is like a car's maintenance light. Every so often a light pops up to remind you that it needs some conditioning and you take into the shop. The mechanic dude does a few things and changes some oil. You drive off feeling like your car could drive to Mexico (close friends probably noticed I did not say Canada)!!! Same thing seems to happen with my body. I usefully try to stay active but from time to time I get too busy and make excuses of why NOT to go to the gym. I feel okay about it for a month or so.

Often I do small things like tan and wear black to hide anything that I am unhappy with. You girls seriously do not think the "little black dress" came about because it was elegant? Hell no! It came about because some smart lady figured out that the "little black dress" made her looka dress size smaller. Well eventually that wears off too and then......dum....dum.....dum.......I am sitting on the couch one night typing meaningless crap to y'all and I realize I feel my arss growing. I mean I actually feel it growing as I am sitting there. I will normally ignore it for about a week until I cannot stand it anymore. I have had about three days in a row this week of the throbbing butt syndrome. I ATE three freakins chocolate cakes squares yesterday, a ten piece pack of fullmoon sushi and four packs of M&M's. That was all while at the office. That does not include the plate of pasta I devoured that night for dinner. I even drank two sodas with caffiene!!! What the hell is wrong with me? It is almost like I am rebelling against myself and personally sabotaging my Arss!! I am totally taken advantage of the gym freedom lately. Bikini season is over for a while and instead of maintaining I have been consuming everything possible to assure I have to purchase a size bigger in jeans this winter. I have been on the verge of going up a jean size for a while. I teeter totter back and forth between the five pounds which makes you one size bigger and I know that. Oh shut up men! Some of y'all's love handles could use some self-control as well. Just because you guys basically wear your butt fat around your waist and it is able to lap over the jeans does not leave you out of this conversation. Walk to the mirror and take a look. If you have a Dick-Do then I am speaking to you as well. Yeah, a Dick-Do! It is when your gut hangs out more than your Dick-Do. That's what I thought. Keep listening as well boys. I just do not want to be stuck doing the skinny jeans jig and jean stretching lunges this winter. I spent this morning flounder around like a fish out of water trying to zip and button the jeans. Next step of course as I mentioned above it the jean stretching lunge. It is where you grab onto a door jam and squat your way through the resistance of the jeans in order to use your butt fat to stretch the jeans. This can be rather painful sometimes and the end result normally leaves you without the ability to breathe and pushing the fat up out of the jeans. You guys wonder why my lips are so big?? That is the excess fat that has shot up from my butt to my lips after the jean lunges. Who needs lip plumper? Not I!!! I guess if I was really smart I would stick that excess fat in my bust for some extra PLUMP ;)~ No complaints there. I mean really. I wish I came on here one day and complained about eating my way to a D cup. I wish that every piece of chocolate cake I ate would go straight to my boobs instead of my arss. Seems like a fair trade. I can guarantee that quite a few ladies and gentlement are agreeing with that right now. Think of the savings in plastic surgery. Save $6k on a rack job and spend it on twinkies! Everyone loves twinkies! Yeah, NOPE! Guess that means the treadmill is calling. >:( There is really something I dislike about the idea of running in place. I feel like I do enough of that in my daily life anyways. Is it bad when I look at my ten year old daughter eating whatever she wants and walking around with not an inch of fat on her body and think to myself "Bitch!". Ok ok! I am kidding. Geez! Seriously. Or am I????? Anyhow, hope I do not have to pee today. Not sure I am coming out of these jeans anytime soon. Should have probably ran a catheter before I left out of the house. Ugggggggg!

xxOOxx

Bloober Blog!

2008-09-16T22:08:00.003-04:00

I am sorry! I have been so busy. Really!!!! Oh and last night I did take some time to type a really inspirational post about positive thinking and happy life crap and somehow by this morning the wrong Un-edited blog had been posted. I am pretty positive this may have been user error but whatever it was so freaking aggravating (insert frown face). You see Brooke has not been sleeping well.....sooooo....I am tiptoeing away from you guys while I say this......I HAVE BEEN LETTING HER SLEEP IN MY BED.....okay running off now as you all toss insults about how if I do not stick to being consistent then she will be 18 years old sleeping in my bed with me and............(long silence while I ponder).........well and ME. Shush it people. We got moved and she is having a hard time getting situated in the new house and she does not want to freaking sleep!!! Does anyone remember where I was going with this? Oh yeah, Brooke is sleeping in my bed so I decided to break out the laptop and try to work in the dark. Apparently I am half blind in the dark even with some closet back lighting. I just typed a shorthanded post which I followed up with some more intelligent fill in words thanks to my new brown low lights in my hair and some of that punctuation stuff thanks to grammar check on the computer. Yeah, you know. Anywho I hit post new changes and figured that was it. Hee hee. No. No. No. Unfortunately NOT. Note to self: Always read post IMMEDIATELY after posting to assure exactly what you want to say is there. I did not get around to checking my own blog page until around noon today. It was absolutely crazy at my office. One of those days that made you wish Nike produced high heel shoes. I started reading over my post after noticing that my page had an exceptional high traffic rate that morning. What the?? Ugggg! Half the words were missing out of my post and my blog was typed with a freaking lisp. Half the letters are missing from my words and the sentences made no sense without knowing where it began, paused and ended. Shussssh! It was so freaking embarrassing. It is a writer's equivalent to tripping on the stage while receiving your diploma at graduation. I deleted this post immediately today. Let's just act like it never happened. OookAY? I do know where some of you live and will willingly pour bleach into your shampoo bottles!! KIDDING. Ha! Anyhow, so if any of you claim some phantom post looming around my page and tell others then I will completely deny it. Must have wondered in from some other southern redneck gal who slurs her words and capitalizes the second letter instead of the first. I am not responsible. Nope. Okay folks! My laptop battery is seriously flashing. I got T Minus zero seconds to proof and send this post off. Not even sure what I am going to name it. Love ya'll!
XXooXX

9/11

2008-09-11T21:28:00.004-04:00

That is all you have to say and everyone knows what day you are speaking about. There is only one 9/11 in our history that stands out in everyone's hearts and will ring on in our memories. Of course I vividly remember where I was on that day. It was early morning in our office. I was working on some personal injury settlement documents. One of the other attorneys ran into my office and said there was an explosion of some sort in one of the towers. I had no clue what he was talking about or where the towers were. He had a small television he kept in his office to watch the morning news daily. He brought it into Jonathan's office and we sat there watching trying to figure out what had just happened. It was extremely confusing because you could see the building and the fire coming from the top but it was not clear exactly what had hit the building yet. Slowly the news starting getting details and had reported that it was actually a plane which had hit the building. Still it had not registered to me the amount of people that were on the plane and were on those top floors of the towers. The next minutes were all a blur. I cannot remember if the second plane and the towers crumbling were within minutes from one another or if more time had passed. To me time started standing still. It was hard to graspe that what I was watching was live and it was happening in my Country. It looked like a scene from a third world Country. The dust covered everyone's face. All of a sudden everyone looked the same. They were the same color and were all trying to accomplish the same thing. Save and rescue as many people as possible. It did not matter if they put their life in danger. You did not see or hear about one person hesitating for fear of losing their own life. It was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same time. My office was silent all day. Everyone of us sat in front of the TV with little to say. Often with our hands over our mouths and a tear in our eye. The phones at our office barely rang unless it was one of our own family members. The days that followed were a rollercoaster of emotions. Fear was the next big emotion that I felt. After I had taken in what was going on then I was worried about when and where next? Was it going to continue? Should I take my children to childcare the next day or keep them home in case of another attack? Is it going to be worse next time? Is this the beginning or the end of it? There were so many questions and insecurities running through my head. I can remember plenty of those days watching television about the lives that were lost and the people that sacrificed and hurting for their loved ones. The children who would never understand why their parent or in some cases parents will never come home from work again. The wives and husbands who took the last phone calls and had to try and comprehend that this would be the last I love you shared between them. Wow....never can I imagine the strength it took for these families to emotionally heal from this tradegy. 9/11 is the day that made me realize how important it is to be One Nation Under God and how much that drove our Country to react and recover in such a big loss and huge blow to our daily security.

Now it has been seven years. It does not feel like seven years. I can still feel that knot in the bottom of my stomach when I think about it and replay old footage. It brings a tear to my eye instantly when I watch old reels of the actual rescues and recoveries. I think this day will never be forgotten and everyone will always remember where they were on 9/11/01.

It's With a C!!!!

2008-09-10T21:15:00.008-04:00

Hi, my name is Catrina. Catrina with a C. Not Catrina with a K but Catrina with a C. When I write you an email and my signature line reads Catrina with a C and you respond "Dear Katrina" with a K then you frecking infuriate me to no end. You make me want to come through the computer and poke your damn eyes out with my fingers! Not only poke them out but feed them to you covered in Ranch dressing. Pay attention! It clearly says Catrina with a C! I did not typo my own name in my signature line. You had to read my name to even know who to respond to and somehow in your screwy little num-nut head you decided that even though you see Catrina with a C that I must be a nut ball and not know how to spell my own name. Ahhhh, I must have mis-spelled my own name right! Sure! I just got confused this day and for some reason I thought hum, is my name spelled with a C or a K??? Ehhh, lets go with C and maybe some nice little person will correct me if I am wrong. Come on people! Get it right! C! C! C! There is a reason my nickname is HellCat and NOT HellKat. My Momma wanted my name spelled with a C and damn it I think you should take the time to pay attention enough to spell it right yourself. So I guess this traumatic life experience can be blamed on Mom! Thanks Mom! I am sorry I continuously played soccer with your bladder during pregnancy. I am also sorry that I made you lay on that horribly uncomfortable birthing bed for 48 hours waiting for Fourth of July to arrive so I could be born with a bang but did you really have to pick a name that the rest of the world seems to think you have spelled incorrectly?? I mean I am so anal about it that I even introduce myself to new people as "Hey, my name is Catrina with a C!" They look at me like I am crazy when I say it but I really like it when you spell my name correctly. Ha! I bet about ten of my friends reading this blog just now realized they have my name spelled with a K in their contact list on their phone. Well guess what little buddies! You have it spelled wrong so please go edit your list and spell it with a C! That's right. CCCCCCCCCCC-atrina!! You got it now! That is really all I got for y'all tonight!

This is Catrina with a C signing off!

Sweet Dreams!

Posh Cat :)~

2008-09-09T16:41:00.006-04:00

So I decided it was time to upgrade my smart appearance level. I get bored easily and normally that means I want to make some type of drastic change!! The easiest and cheapest change I am able to make is my hair! Although the idea of upgrading from the Toyota to an Acura would actually be a funnier and much needed change, I just decided to save myself the $400.00 a month car payment and go with a posh cut and add some SMARTS to my hair. Yes ladies.....adding smarts means adding low lights. Summer is drawing near an end so I figured what the hell.......lets live a brunette life for a few months. Seems lately I have had a lot on my shoulders so I decided to knock some weight off by removing about three or four inches. Not really sure I pull it off like Ms. Posh Spice but it sure does feel fun and has added a bit of a pep to my step. Hell I even sound smarter when I talk. :) The ladies here at the office love it! I should also save on Shampoo and Conditioner so it is a good money budgeting tool. It's a freaking win - win all around people! This will not last long as my closest friend and amazing hair stylist Kristy Peluso can tell you. I will get bored again in about two months and walk in there deciding to be blonde with purple highlights or something like that. I have been considering extensions. Hair to me is like ART! It is so much freaking fun to mold and experiment. A change to my hair can completely change my mood and with the right supervision you can rock out with your sock out with a new DO! I mean it's just freaking Hair! It WILL Grow back girls! Try it. Wait, before you try it make sure you try it under the supervision of a trained hair stylists. NOT everyone is as lucky as me to have Kristy but I would be happy to lend her out to anyone who needs a super stylings. She also does Makeup through Motives which is an amazing line. She rocks! Give her a shout at Renaissance Hair Studio (336) 765-4990 and ask for Ms. Kristy Peluso! I promise she will do ya right! Anyhow, I really need to get back to work because I can feel the smart seeping out of the pours of my head now that I have upgraded to Brunette! I need to work it! Work it! Hell, this new hair cut could earn me a raise. With all this damn start in my hair I might just crack this case wide open! Who needs law school.........I got low lights with a high IQ! :)

No More Spandex Please!

2008-09-08T10:33:00.004-04:00

Hey Y'all! I felt like after yesterday's drab blog that I owed a little more effort to some happiness and giggles for today. I had an interesting drive home from my Nanny's yesterday. Wait, back up! Before I confuse some poor Yankee who has stumbled upon my blog on accident, my Nanny is my grandmother. My Mama's Mama! The lady who gave birth to the lady who gave birth to me. It is not someone I have hired to take care of my children. It seems to cause confusion when brought up in conversation. I think it is more commonly used in the great South. Ok! Lesson learned! Carry on! I was driving home or was I driving to her place? Uh. Wait, I was driving to her place. Apparently there was some bicycle something or other going on. I begin to pass what seemed like a hundred or so ten speeds. It was no Tour De France though. It definitely added a giggle to my day. This was the oddest mix of bikers I have ever seen. Of course they all had on those fabulously bright spandex shirts and shorts. Apparently color coordination is not important when matching a biker's outfit. The helmets were another interesting story all together. Some of them looked like they had bright power rockets strapped to their heads. GO SPEED RACER! Even though that added to my entertainment it was not so much the bright clown outfits that got me the most. It was the assortment of people wearing those outfits. I got behind one guy riding a bike and honestly I am not sure he had a bicycle seat. I mean I know he was sitting on something I hope. He had to be. There is no way he just had a pole stuck up his butt holding him onto the bicycle. It certainly looked like it though. I will admit as I was driving past I got some cleavage envy because he had me beat by a cup size for sure! That is no freaking fair. The next little guy I came up to apparently borrowed his spandex get-up from a ten year old. By the looks of his package (*Wink*) which was so obvious due to the OVERLY tight spandex, he borrowed it from a ten year old as well. Sorry! :) It was out there. I looked. My eyes burned afterwards but I looked. So now I am driving along and already been subjected to a man being sodomized by a bicycle seat and another man's short comings and about a million of other unqualified spandex wearers! Not exactly the Sunday stroll I was looking for but hell, these days I take what I can get. I really think anyone who is going to wear spandex should be subjected to some type of spandex pre-qualification process. Let me spell it out for you. Just consider spandex as a tacky skin coloring. Basically when you are wearing spandex you are naked but colorfully drawn on with markers!! If you would not walk around outside butt naked because you would scare the squirrels away than you probably should NOT wear spandex. I would not wear spandex. I do not care if it would cut 2.5 seconds off my mile when biking. I think that 2.5 seconds is worth giving up for my pride and keeping my camel toe to myself!! That should never be shared!! Geez Goobers!!! Anyhow after passing the million of unqualified spandex bikers, some people with motorcycle helmets on instead of bicycle helmets and a double ten speed for a dad and his eight year old up and coming unqualified spandex biker I was sure the show was over. Oh no, no NO! I came across the two oddest of the group. Everyone is on bikes. Ten speeds, generic ten speeds, double ten speeds and than randomly leading the pack were two in line skaters! What the hell are two in line skaters doing skating on the back roads of Davidson County up Gumtree Road? Come on now! They were decked out in full California gear and in full right to left pace glide! They took up twice as much room on the road as any of the bikers. Honestly they had their own lane on the road. At this point I was getting frustrated. This was a two lane road which stays pretty busy. There are a million bikers who I am concerned have their spandex so tight that they are losing air to their brain and might pass out and tumble over in front of my car!!! Now I have to pace behind two in line skaters!! I was so happy when I got out from behind that interesting mix of almost puking in my mouth moments. I really think one of the topics in this upcoming election should be the proper use of spandex. Could someone throw that out there at the next debate! Um thanks! Love y'all!

My PostSecret

2008-09-07T13:21:00.004-04:00

I am sitting here trying to come up with some funny story or event that has happened in the last few days. I am sure I have a few and if I really tried hard enough I could turn a story about clipping my toe nails into some devastatingly funny freak show event! Honestly that is what my days are made up of. Things that happen to ordinary people but for some reason in my cartoonic creative little brain it seems to be elevated and out comes a blog. I never really write about my personal life. I mean I do, but it never involves any extreme personal feelings that I have. I am a bit mad at myself this weekend which has lead to my mood and lack of funny trailing out my finger tips onto this post. I allowed myself once again to let this same individual get the best of me. I depended on him as I know better than to do and of course came up short. I am pretty angry with the situation. He has shown me over and over again in about six years that me nor our daughter can depend on him. I use to get mad at him when he did not follow through but these days I get mad at myself. I know better and there is nothing more I can say about it. I feel like I should be wearing a dunce hat and placed in a corner of a room. I should write on a paper a hundred times "Catrina Anne, you know better than that!!" and post it up around my room. I cannot get mad at him for me constantly letting him not follow through. I can only be angry at myself for letting him do it to me. I figured if I post this feeling on here where everyone can read what a dumbie I can be sometimes then maybe it will make it reality to me. Needless to say I paid a visit to PostSecret which helped remind me that it is okay to be stupid and make mistakes. It is okay to let people know you have been stupid and made a mistake. Perfection is NOT realistic. Perfection is in the same category as forever. No one has ever been perfect and no one has ever lived long enough to feel forever. If you have not checked out PostSecret web page or books before than I highly recommend you do. If you do not know what PostSecret is than I would like to lift the rock you are living under so you can see some of the light. I have hyper linked the page for you twice already. After you are done listening to my blah rant than you are demanded to hop over to PostSecret. See I linked it again! It is a place where people mail in their most personal and sometimes silliest secrets on a postcard weekly and they are posted online for others to read. It is completely anonymous. Not sure why I have gotten so addicted to it but I find myself checking for the new secrets weekly. Reading other people's secrets makes it seem okay to admit to your own. It makes it okay for me to admit out loud that anything he does to me from now on is my fault because I allow it to bother me. I promise this will not be a consistent mood involved in my blogs but sometimes I am human and sometimes I have emotions like a human. Unfortunately writing is linked to your emotions and today they are not very happy. I promise I will cheer up in a few hours and come back in for something a bit funnier!

Love ya
xxOOxx

I AM SO EXCITED - COME READ

2008-09-03T21:41:00.004-04:00

Hey Guys!!!! FYI - I will probably be blogging a few less days this week. I am super busy. I am moving this weekend. Shut up Peanut Gallery! I stayed here a year. Yes a whole year. Well it will be a year on Sunday. Shhhhhush! Anyhow, I have to pack all my boxes up after work this week. I also have classes and assignments due each evening. Not to mention that whole Mom thing I signed up for about ten years ago. I just cannot seem to shake that gig. Oh and there is my miserable 9 - 5er which I some would call my job. The real one. The one that is not so fun but pays the bills. I cannot forget that I have to do that every day too. Oh trust me, I try to forget every morning until that annoying alarm clock starts going off. I think my brain is fried this week. I never really recovered from Operation Nakey. Even though I won the battle, I walked away with some exhaustion and emotional distress which was definitely suffered. I figured I would take this time and blog to catch some of you guys up on somethings I am excited about. So open your ears and pay attention damn it! OK!! Ready???

I have been asked to start writing on downtowngreensboro.com and I am super freaking stoked. OK, slow down.....do not go clicking away. The site is down for maintenance right now. Something about upgrading to a bigger server to allow for more traffic volume. Hope Matt and Robin do not shoot me for spilling the beans already but everyone knows I cannot keep secrets! Well, everybody except those who keep telling me their secrets. ;) Kidding! I have kept all ya'll's secrets (how in the heck do you make the word y'all possessive??)!! No fingers cross - I promise!! So, back to me and what I was saying. I will be assisting in writing blogs and reviews for the DT G'boro area. This will mean some little fun outings for me and my ladies and of course getting all dolled up and enjoying some of the local venues and reporting back to everyone. The DT G'boro area has really been blowing up lately and I am happy to get to take part in capturing that. I am sure this will involve plenty of pictures of us locals enjoying ourselves. You know how me and the girls love our cameras!! NOW - of course I will super link you guys from here so you can keep up with the HellCat's latest Meow!!

OK, OK....I know you are jumping around like screaming school girls too! You can stop now. Now! Seriously STOP it Mr. Gene and Dougy. Indian style kids and listen up. In the next few weeks my blog will be moving to it's very own home. I have enjoyed my stay at blogger.com but I am ready to upgrade! :) Hopefully, fingers crossed people! Fingers, toes and elbows actually. I am pretty sure the domain name will be Hellcatsmeow.com :) This will allow me more options in designing my page and probably make it easier for you guys to navigate. All in all, I need more freedom. Typical of me huh? I am sure the page will go through some construction phases. I apologize if you experience any technical crap going wrong during that time. Suck it up. We will make it through this together! OK, lets skip on over to my last happy topic of the night.

Well, you guys may have noticed I enjoy writing. I have a tendency to blab on and on in my blogs. Most of the time what I talk about is off the wall and a bit improper but I love it. I seem to lack structure in my writing and I am sure there is lots for me to learn. I have always been told I should think before I speak.....and as you can tell, I never listened!! Writing is something I fell back into accidentally over this last year. I started by ranting spontaneously on myspace to relieve stress. Over this summer, I began writing more frequently and it became something I looked forward to every evening. That is what prompted me to branch out from myspace blogging and give it a go by driving my own traffic and hoping for some of my buddies to send some referrals my way. Honestly, I am rather surprised to see the numbers my page has generated in a month's time and some of the feedback I have received from y'all about my blogs. I am looking to possibly go further with my writing. As a matter of fact, not so much possibly but positively. I would really appreciate the constant referrals of others to my blog page and the feedback in the comment section. Come on.....none of my friends are shy and I have been waiting for you guys to start chirping me. I also check my guestbook located to the left regularly (it is on the left right???) and try to respond to any one's posts. So please continue posting!!

I wanted to say thank you to some of the kicks in the arss I have received lately from Mom, Dougy, Mr. Gene and Ms. Cindy Lou Hoo! Your opinions, constant reading and constructive criticisms are continuously appreciated. Thank you for allowing me to bounce things off your creative brain walls!

Ok Ladies and Penis Heads -- I am off to sleep. Sweet Dreams!
xxOOxx

Operation Be Nakey

2008-09-01T21:24:00.004-04:00

Just when I thought we had both throw up our white flags and agreed to disagree with the Bed Battle of July and August of 2008, I was given a rude awaken early Saturday morning. A new battle had been brewing. This one eventually got dirty and suffered a few causalities of war before Lt. Mommy figured out how to force a surrender on Brooke and her stuff buddy army. Things were so quiet for the last few weeks and I should have known better. After the first battled described below I performed some severe torturing of her stuff animals, one of her dogs named Blue cracked. He did not want me to cut off his left ear so he gave me some pretty important information. Needless to say he was too badly wounded from the battle on Sunday which I will get to shortly to even survive through the end of Sunday. He unfortunately took his final resting place at the bottom of the OUTSIDE trash can. Poor buddy!! Anyhow, according to Blue the dog, apparently when I would tuck Brooke and her choice of twelve stuff animals into her pack-n-play they would stay up scheming and drawing a game plan on how to get Mommy and get Mommy GOOD!!

Day 1 - Saturday AM - Operation Be Nakey set into action

It is early AM on Saturday. I hear Brooke's usual "Mommmmm" from her bedroom. I admit that I ignored it for about thirty extra minutes by placing the pillow over my head. I have maintained use of the pack-n-play for the remainder of the month. I have really loved the option of confinement when needed and especially at bedtime. So, I roll out of bed maybe a little later than she wanted me to. GIVE ME A BREAK PEOPLE! It is Saturday AM. I was pouting a bit because I do not want to be up before 8am! It is not FAIR! Anyhow, Brooke's door was halfway closed so I open the door a tad more and walked in to say my usual Good Morning Sunshine and there she was standing in all her glory with her sunshine SHINING bright! What the??? Are you?? Where is your?? Ugggg! Put your Hoo Hoo away! Yuppers! She learned how to remove her diaper this morning. Lovely. She had throw it off to the side like a rebellious little flower girl refusing to wear clothes. To make matters even lovely-ierrrrrr, she had to cop a squat right in the middle of her pack-n-play on Bugsy the Bunny, Pinky the Atheist Non-Praying Lamb, and all her freaking blankets. Including the adorable yellow knitted blanket from her little ole Great Grandma Fels. Wow. Yeah. I was happy. Real darn happy to run a bath first thing that morning and remove the urine soaked baby, stuff buddies, sheets and blankets. My Saturday AM was starting off to be awesome and I have my little pisser to thank for it. Thanks Brooke-a-Bella. You make Mommy Proud!!!

DAY 2 - SUNDAY AM - Operation Nakey gets dirty

Okay, so I am not sure why in my head I felt like this was an isolated action even after being forewarned by Blue. I just believed deep down that Brooke would never do that again. She did not get her diaper off on purpose! Seriously y'all. I mean one of the velcro latches obviously got stuck to her knitted yellow blanket and when she rolled over it came undone. Brooke is a sweet girl and would never try to cause her Mommy to have such an unpleasant Saturday morning on purpose, hmmmmm or would she? Sunday AM came too quickly. Thank goodness this was a holiday weekend because I definitely needed an extra day to recover from what I was about to walk into. I rolled out of bed and started walking into Brooke's room swinging the door open. Yup my usual - Good Morning Sunshhhhhh, Oh MY Gawd! No. No!!! Noooooooo? Really? Seriously? You had to do that?? This morning? What were you thinking? Oh my gawd! You are cleaning that up. I do not care if you are only 18 months old! That is just plain freaking sick! You did not eat it did you? Did you eat it? Please tell me you did not eat it? Oh! Ew! Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhd! It smells like, well you know what it smells like in here! You should know. You produced it. Lovely, all in your freaking hair. Oh! Oh! Wow! Awesome! Love it! Absofuckinglutely love it!!!!

So, if you have not figured out by now. My child again removed her diaper and threw it off to the side but this time instead of coping a squat she popped a poop!! Uh huh! Not only did she POP a FREAKING POOP but she used it as an exfoliater for her skin and cream rinse for her hair.

Oh nooo! Unfortunately this is where I see poor poor Blue laid off the the side of her pack n play face down. Apparently Brooke had found out about him giving up important information to me a day earlier. This did not go over well with Brooke. I cannot really tell what happened to him but my guess is suffocation by poop! His face was covered and there were little toddler poop hand print stains around his neck. He never had a chance against her!!

Counting to ten, no fifty, no a million!!!!! Can I just leave her in there and walk back out? I can just pretend like I never saw it! I cannot leave her in there?? Can I?? Trust me I considered it. I could freaking toss her a juice cup and throw cheerios at her all day to maintain her hunger. Yeah, I think allowing a child to play in poop is considered neglect, right? Yeah, probably. Damn it. So I walked over to her and lifted her out from her pack-n-play. I keep my arms extended from my body not allowing her to touch any part of me. Apparently my daughter was given monkey like abilities and she is swinging her body towards mine trying to wrap her legs around me. Please no! No! Stop! Don't TOUCH ME!!! I went running towards the bathroom with my head turned to the right and my nose squashed up trying to avoid that horrible nasty yucky poop smell which my daughter is drenched in. Oh! Oh! I almost seriously slung the kid into the bathtub. So, another bath first thing in the morning. I would have taken urine over poop any day. I removed all the blankets off the bed and threw them into the wash. I said a few sweet words for Blue and tossed him into the garbage can. Poor Poor little buddy. R.I.P. - "You're my boy Blue!!" Back to her sweet smelling bedroom to disinfect everything! This is just plan nasty! Gross! This is not right!!! No one should ever have to clean up anyone else's butt waste. I did not sign up for this. Please show me where on her birth certificate that it said I had to endure this and take it with a smile?

So, I think we are good now. I think Brooke has gotten me back. She has proved she can "one up" Mommy or should I say "TWO up" as in have to go number TWO! Right??? Okay, bad joke. I think the fumes from her room have gotten to me some.

SUNDAY NOON - NAP TIME - Operation Nakey and Escape!

I was happy when nap time came around Sunday. I honestly think I earned the break. Brooke on the other hand was not so happy. She was throwing a fit before I could even get her into her room. This day I did not care. Normally I try to talk to her and soothe her some. Eh, NO! Seriously she is lucky that I agreed to feed her breakfast and lunch after what she did to me that morning. Needless to say, I did not give her a fruit roll up snack after lunch. Hey! A girl has to have some leverage. Anyhow, I laid her down and left the room. She screamed all holy hell from the bedroom. Sounded like someone was murdering her. So I got up and closed her bedroom door. Can you tell I have lost sensitivity at this point? I sat back down on my bed and could still hear her plain as day! So I got back up closed my bedroom door. Now scream! Scream all you want you evil booger! It got quiet eventually. It was nice. Finally, until I heard THUMP - crash - BOOM - THUD! Uh, that was not normal. What is she doing in her pack-n-play! I run towards her bedroom and sling open the door! All I see is naked baby butt making a mad dash for under the bunk bed. She escaped! Sound the alarms. What the!!!!??? Again, off with the diaper! What does she have against the diaper? I mean she has been wearing them for 18 months. I wish I could run around naked too but I cannot. We must cover the HOO HOO! Everyone knows this. The Hoo Hoo is not for everyone to see BROOKE! I am tugging on her cheesy chunky legs as she is trying with all her might to get scurry under the bunk bed! I finally recovered her.

How in the hell did she get loose? I looked back into her pack-n-play to figure out how it was she had managed to escape. I mean she had never even suggested before that she could climb over. She had taken her comforter and folded it into a ball and then placed her pillow on top of it. She also had Slim Jim the bear on top of the pillow. She had built a wall to escape. Lovely! What am I going to do???

Luckily this time there were no bodily fluids left behind in the bed or on any of her stuffed buddies! I decided I needed to call in re-enforcements and contact someone wiser than me. Someone who has lived through many of these battles herself. Mothering and surviving the tortures of FOUR, yes FOUR children! She has to know what I can do. I grabbed the cell phone. Search for my Mom's name in my contact list because we all know no one knows any one's phone number by heart these days!! Please be home, please be home! Thank goodness good ole Mom suggested the usage of onesie's again! Yup. The wonderful ability to snap those buttons between her legs! Lets see you remove that diaper now buddy! I downgraded the amount of stuff buddies she is allowed to sleep with and placed a smaller pillow and comforter in her bed. I am hoping this will keep from any further escape routes to be built.

DAY 3 - MONDAY AM - Mommy Squashes Operation Nakey

I was a bit concerned about getting up this morning. I mean really could it get any worse? I am happy to say that Brooke did not manage to break out of the pack-n-play and she was NOT naked when I got to her this morning. Thank goodness! Keep praying for me people. :)

Ladies Take a Stand Instead of Coping a Squat

2008-08-28T23:30:00.006-04:00

Some of you may be behind if you have not read my blog post Home Sweet Kernersville. The heading may have been deceiving to the material which I had posted inside. I often start off on one tangent and end on another. Sometimes I seem to blog in my blog. Trying to name it appropriately in order to determine the content can be difficult. I really should maybe just blog daily with one of my personalities instead of allowing all those crazy, loud, and spastic people to speak out into my blogs at once! I will try to make a suggestion to them the next time we are all together in the same place. Generally I take part in a ladies night and a few drinks with my girlfriends and all my personalities slowly make a showing before the night ends. I will be sure to mention it to them. Doubt it will do any good though. Quite a few of my personalities have a very rebellious and noncompliant attitude. They do as they please. Oh well.

Anyhow, back to what I was saying. At the end of that blog I mentioned the inability to manuever a nasty public restroom and the difficulties woman face. I made a suggetion for possibly using a portable attachable penis so that the ladies can enjoy the freedom of peeing while standing up as well. It would probably shorten the bathroom lines, cut out the toilet paper usage and may even reduce the amount of pit stops we have to make on the road if we have the ability to hang our UNIT outside the car window while in motion. Well little did I know that someone was already one step ahead of my thinking. A buddy of mine forwarded me a link to a YouTube video where some ladies have already invented such a contraption. Now I think this is an early model and can use some refining and of course some decorating and color but it is definitely on the right path. Check out this video and reconsider your vote on the poll above. We could be on to something. New Age. Not only can men drop trouser while camping and claim stake on a tree but we can walk up behind them and claim the same tree !!!!

For-Syke Hospital

2008-08-27T20:11:00.005-04:00

Uhhhh....I have missed you guys! Seriously I would have rather been here bitching and moaning with y'all instead of having my blood drawn a million times, an IV in my arm, a needle in ARSS which burned like a mother ducker and my pee pee taken involuntarily. Uh huh! Don't it sound like I had a lovely week so far? Please do not complain to me about the pile of papers in your inbox on your desk. Right now I would rather sign up for repeated paper cuts between my fingers then have one more nurse say to me "on a scale of one to ten how would you rate your pain???" I just wanted to say "well Nurse Chainsaw why don't we test this 1 - 10 theory here and you allow me to take your ovaries and twist them into ten knots then tie them around your ankles and loop them around your ears while I jam a needle in your arse and a tube in your hula-hoop and you tell me on a scale of 1 - 10 how it feels. We can just go with your answer because I think it would accurately capture my 1 - 10 pain rating?"...... Oh wait Nurse Chainsaw its not done yet.......thennnnnnnn I want you to lay on this plywood that we call a bed for ohhhhhhh about 14 or so hours while we take your medical bill on a Sunday stroll down a highway with no exit ramp. Okay...........wait, wait, I know your in lots of pain but see I think we should release you to go home with some false diagnosis just so you can return a few hours later and be charged a delightfully fucking wonderful large stick up the arss second co-pay of $150.00 in one day which reserves you one more gloriously enjoyable second day on our wonderful Burgundy plywood bed again while we run around like clueless idiots who very obviously wasted 100k of our sperm donors money on medical school just to walk around in the cotton pj's they call scrubs and carry the almighty clipboard. If you are lucky one of the actual Dr's will eventually need to come out for fresh air, so he will remove his head from his arss and visit your room for 1.5 seconds to give you some bull about some test results they are waiting on. Then Dr. Dumbass will push on your tummy a few times and ask you for the 2,545,098TH time where the pain is located and how long has the pain been going on???? Oh and most importantly they will ask you the one very well thought out question which could make or break a Dr's diagnosis. You better get the answer right on this test because it is the difference between relief or ten more hours of false labor to a mule..........wait, you ready for it "On a scale of 1 - 10 how would you rate your pain?"

#$%($&%$(#&%(#$&%(@#$(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooooo my Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were not a lot of fun. Today was my mental recovery day as well as physical recovery. I am still having flashbacks of not just the physical pain from this week but the mental stupidity I got to discover in our local hospital which just basically arss raped my insurance company and me out of a bunch of moooo-lah to make a diagnosis that could have almost been written on my stomach and they would have missed.

All in all.....it has been an okay week. :) What about y'all? Anything new?

Home Sweet Kernersville

2008-08-24T12:07:00.004-04:00

I have so neglected my blog this weekend. I am sorry. I took a weekend for myself. I was out of town for the most part of it and returned extremely exhausted from an overload of F-U-N. Everyone needs this from time to time. :) A couple of days is enough for me though. I was home sick by yesterday afternoon and missing the babies. So I am home now. We went out to Roanoke Friday night and ventured out downtown that night. It was so adorable. Everything was located in one square and you could walk from one venue to another and each offered something different. You had your typical flip flops bar which is always fun and then there was the upscale little dance bar located up some extremely skinny winding steps. Being from the legal profession all I kept thinking is "Wow that must be a liability". Not sure spiral winding skinny steps are a good match with drunk silly 4 inch high heeled chics? Somehow I see a neck breaking moment there. The last little bar we went to was full of all the fun drinking songs that everyone likes to sing off key to the top of their lungs with all their buddies. I participated in a very fun and over the top version of "Oh Mickey your so FINE!!" Yup. I did the silly little jig as well. I finally learned the cupid shuffle. Oh yeah! Now I am up to speed with all the club goers! I got this! The night was great. Sorry I do not have any HellCaT bumping her head or busting her arss moments to share. I was behaved Friday. I can tell you that when I got back to the room I was so darn hungry! We heated up some steak that was leftover from earlier and I had no silverware. Eeeh I think at 2 am after a few drinks that you are officially allowed to devour a steak with your hands. Who needs manners and etiquette that late at night? That steak had no chance. I creamed it in less than thirty seconds. As a fun cute buddy of mine says "I Crrrrushed it!!!"

We left late yesterday afternoon to come home. We definitely considered another night but I think we were both ready to be home and sleep in our beds. I was kind of missing my numerous battles with Brooke. Figures huh? It was quite nice little drive home. I love curvy roads through the mountains. The only thing that was not so lovely on this trip home was the Sheetz bathroom I had to try and conquer just to take a tinkle. Uh yeah. I could not even explain the smell of that bathroom. It was the type of bathroom you walk into and you are holding yourself because you are scared if any of your body happens to touch anything in that bathroom that it will turn green and rot off. I finally made it to one stall that was not ran over with human waste and assumed the position of the leg squat position over the toilet as to not DARE allow my hiney contact with that nasty germ infested white rotting bowl! This was the only time in my life that I have experience PENIS envy. Oh how nice it would be to be able to stand and piss at that moment. I mean really boys you have no clue how good you have it! Between being able to write your name or whatever you want in the snow with that thing to never having to come in contact with a nasty, NASTY toilet bowl at some rest step is almost all the selling points you need on those things. Some genius should come up with a portable version of them for woman. Something attachable. I can see the marketable selling line now "Never Squat again - Just snap on and enjoy a germ free pee" Of course for us ladies they would have to come in different colors and styles to match our purse and shoes. I am sure they would even start making different sizes too. This would probably be the only new product on the market where size does matter and compact is not an option. Ok, whoa! I went way off track here. Geez my little brain seems to jump tracks a lot.

I am done now. I cannot say sweet dreams this time. It is lunch time! So happy Sunday everyone.

XXooXX

What a Goo-B-eR I am!

2008-08-21T21:05:00.004-04:00

To start my day off today I knocked a whole glass full of that wonderful sinful nectar called soda into my keyboard, lap and important papers which I am using for trial prep on the annoying case discussed below a few blogs. The case that has the endless penis fighting. It was awesome. I was also holding on the phone at the time this happened. To make matters even more wonderful at the very moment that I drenched everything the lady I had been holding for FOREVER picked up the line to a big ole loud "ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!" from my expectedly foul mouth. Yeah. Needless to say I hung up before I even tried to explain that I was calling to file a notice of designate mediator a day late (thanks to plaintiff's counsel). I figured I would try that call again a bit later. This was so much fun to clean up too. Definitely a whistle while you work moment! It is almost impossible to get soda out of a keyboard. I literally could have flipped my keyboard over and drained it into my cup and had a whole soda again. Geez! This was not the end of my total TARD moment. I was trying to get the soda out of my extremely sexy but now drenched with sticky Pepsi black high heels. They were located a little ways under the desk along with lots more soda on the floor so I had to crawl half under the desk when someone walked in and called my name and I popped up slamming the top of my frecking noggin on the underneath of the desk which caused my jaw to slam closed on my tongue. &#$*##)($#)@@&!^!!!!!!!!! Uh huh....more curse words and now I am hopping around holding my jaw with a swollen tongue and soaked in soda. My colleague got a good giggle out of it. That was all before 9 this morning. Oh well! Maybe I should have chose Coca Cola!! :) My day was loooooongggg and I finally got out of my office around 7:30 tonight. I was in such a daze. The drive seemed to take forever tonight. I think I left my smarts at the office too. I pulled up to a RED FLASHING LIGHT at a four way stop. Do do do do do do! I sat there forever waiting for the RED FLASHING LIGHT to turn GREEN. Um, yeah.....four way stop. RED FLASHING LIGHT. Geez Catrina!!! What is wrong with you? That light is never going to turn GREEN. It is not supposed to turn GREEN. I enjoyed a laugh at myself that time and zoomed on through. I am finally home safely! Yay......................Sweet Dreams!

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

2008-08-20T22:31:00.004-04:00

We are sorry to interupt your regular programing at this time but HellCat's Meow is experiencing some techincal difficulties with her frecking internet company!!! Some BEACH!!!!Think happy thoughts. Happpppy thoughts.

Here are a few random updates for ya. I gave up on Brooke sleeping in the big girl bed! Yup. Completely. I was struggling with my child Sunday night and realized I was in for another long night of fighting when low and behold a light shined down in the corner of her room onto her PACK & PLAY (play pin for those who have not procreated yet) and pretty sure I heard little angels singing!! I completely forgot about this thing! Seriously it finally popped into my head at that moment that Brooke is not old enough nor ready for the big girl bed. Also I realized that I have an option! I pulled it out and began trying to remember how this contraption goes together. I struggle with these things and needless to say my nine year son is normally how everything is put together in our house. Sooo the whole time Brooke was leaning over me saying "oooo, wats that?" I was thinking "mawhahahaha!" I set it up and then victoriously enjoyed confining Brooke to bed without the ability to escape. Ten quick minutes of crying and she was out. That was it. I have been using it all week. I guess we will try the big girl bed again in a few months.

Oh here is an odd bit of useless information about me. GOOBER is my new favorite word. It is just so fun to say. Goober. Goooooober. Goo-b-ERRR! Admit it. You like the word too. You know what else is awesome about Goober is that it has different caliburs of STUPIDness that it stands for and only you know in your head how Gooberish you feel someone is being. Just another way to tell someone nicely that they are a dumb ducker!!

Ok! I hate to post and run but I admit to not having anything prepared due to my busy schedule with work and starting back school next week. Also I am cutting this short for the safety of my laptop who poor thing seems to get the brunt of my frustration when my internet signal is lost.

Ta ta and Sweet Dreams Goober ;)

Odd My Blogs are out of order!

2008-08-19T23:41:00.002-04:00

Ok for odd reason blogger placed my new blog named "Young at <3heart<3" below my old post from yesterday named "Screwed!!!". So just scroll down a little for your Retro 70's fix. Sorry about that. I have no clue why.

Sweet Dreams!!!

Screwed!!

2008-08-18T21:13:00.004-04:00

WHAT DOES A BLONDE AND A TURTLE HAVE IN COMMON???

When they are on their backs they are both screwed.

Did you know the poor ladybug suffers the same ill fate? Yup. Driving along today and a lady bug was walking across my dashboard. I flumped (flump is my word for thump) it with my finger nail and it went soaring into the air and landed on its back in the passenger seat. I watched as it sat there on its back with its legs flinging in the air trying to find some sort of ground or something to flip its arss back over. Yeah it was pretty SOL for that poor ladybug. I could just imagine it lying there staring at the ugly grey fabric that covers my passenger seat of my vehicle and wondering how in the (insert curse word of choice) it ended up like that. All it knows is that it was walking along minding its own ladybug business when some blonde chick who was bored with driving decided to completely screw its day up by flumping it into the air and making the poor little ladybug land on its back. What did it do to deserve this and what now? Seriously, If I had not taken pity on that little ladybug and flipped it back over so it could continue its day in its little ladybug way what would have happened? It would have just laid there upside down staring at the seat and kicking its little legs as fast as possible until..........what it starved to death? Died of boredom or all its poor little ladybug blood drained to its poor little ladybug head!!!!?? Well, I couldn't stand the thought of that so I did my good deed for the day and got that ladybug back on its way safely all while not realizing I was still driving and should probably not rear end the back of that vehicle that is completely stopped about five feet in front of me. Holy Duck!!! (Yes, I said "Duck!!!")I slammed on my brakes to avoid a collision and looked back in my passenger seat I guess to make sure the ladybug was okay too and it was gone. Oh well, It probably got projected into my windshield and smashed anyways! What can I say? At least the little ladybug did not feel any pain. RIP Ladybug and sorry!

Yeah. It don't take much to distract a blonde.
Carry On!

Kid at <3 H-E-A-R-T <3

2008-08-18T20:56:00.014-04:00

Anyone in the mood for Bob Marley? Do not worry! There is an explanation to follow.

I spent an evening with a wonderful girlfriend named JudyBooty (*WINK*) this past week. It was quite enjoyable. We basically got together for a play date with the children. She has one kid to my twelve kids. Okay, maybe I do not have twelve kids but it sure does feel like it sometimes. Anywho, the children hermited themselves to the bedroom for a while playing video games. This was perfectly fine with us because we sat downstairs and talked about typical single Mom junk like exhaustion, struggling with the kids school and sports schedule, the lack of good men left, what age we feel like our butt went down a couple flights of stairs and where she got that yummy cream cheese dip for the fruit!! Her house got chilly during our discussion so she offered me sweatshirt. All girls love venturing through another girl's closet! It is almost better than shopping at the mall so of course I was excited when she opened her closet door to all those fun clothes and shoes!! Yay! I ran across a delightfully fluffy Afro wig which she had used for a Halloween costume the year previous. How freaking neat!!! It was an Austin Powers moment fo-sho! After a bit, I started to feel myself experience Afro envy while I stared at that wig hang from her closet door. Hmmmmmm, the curiosity was killing me. I am a blonde hair blue eyed girl who has not had lift to her hair since the hideous 90's era. I definitely have never experienced anything like that wig! I just had to know. Uh huh! You guessed it. Within minutes I had that wig on and we were trying on retro outfits to match. Oh boy or should I say Groovy Baby! Before you knew it we had whipped out the makeup and were just having a good ole time turning me into one hot Diva Mama (insert finger snap in a Z formation!!) Needless to say we got some odd looks when the children came down a few times to ask for something. It is hard to explain an Afro wig away. It is also hard to sound intimidating and Mothering when the two Moms are giggling like school girls and hiding behind the bathroom door yelling "Go away!!". Well eventually we pulled out the camera. Of course we had to take pictures. Come on, we all know how much I love the freaking camera. We took some very 70's album cover shots. Those were Judy's idea of course. She is a bit more artsy than me. No real rhyme or reason, just having fun being silly girls I guess!! Maybe our inner children were shouting out for some attention. It was refreshing to act stupid and childish for a moment. To not care how stupid we looked and just be young at heart <3.>

Wiped!

2008-08-17T18:07:00.003-04:00

I think I need a weekend from my weekend. We have stayed super busy and now I am exhausted. I thought the point of the weekend was to rest up and wind down from the work week. My weekends are almost more exhausting than my work weeks lately. Toting around one pre-teen daughter with a heavy attitude, one son who has the speed of a turtle and one fluffy 18 month old who has VIP seating on my right hip. That is a pretty heavy load. I feel weighed down today and my kids are still in overdrive. Can we please bottle whatever it is that they have? Seriously we have figured out how to clone sheep but yet we cannot clone the ongoing energy of a 10 year old. I cannot KEEP up.

Furbish update!! Apparently our Furby is multilingual. He/She has been replying in spanish. Yep, no joke. As if I need one more person in this house I cannot understand. Bri (the pre-teen) normally only speaks in sign language. Her two favorites signs seem to be rolling her eyes to the left and rolling her neck to the right. It is normally followed with a smack of the lips, stomping of the feet and slamming of the door in my face. There never seems to be much actual communication with us two. Noah just mumbles. He is displaying the male ability to tune me out quite early. His father would be so proud. >:o( Brooke as we established speaks some baby jabber, throws LOUD tantrums and has now picked up on furbish. I would get more response from a rock in my drive way than from any of my kids. Anyhow, I guess with all this craziness going on the Furby decided to mix it up some and add some confusion into my day. Thanks buddy! Guess he/she (IT) will not mind if his flipping batteries go missing. mawwwwhahahaha!

Well, it is dinner time and I am seriously considering pulling out some wonderful Smuckers PB&J's and potato chips!!! Hmmmmm......maybe I should utilize Papa John's which is located on my speed dial! Maybe I will get lucky and Mr. Pizza Delivery boy/girl will have a conversation which starts with more than "But MOOOOOOOOOM!!!"

Later Gator!

Furbish

2008-08-16T10:55:00.004-04:00

Happy Saturday. I have been tortured with endless hiccups today. They are lovely. You know how hard it is to sound serious and not have my kids disobey my authori(TY) when in the middle of everything I make this high pitch squeal noise. So needless to say my kids are considering me a joke this morning and they are having a hard time keeping a straight face as I yell out to them "Get in here and put up your (insert mouse squeal) toys right now!" "I mean it (insert mouse squeal) you guys we are (insert mouse squeal) NOT going to (insert mouse squeal noise) the pool." "You got (insert mouse squeal) five MINUTES!!!" Yeah, so the kid were just rolling on the floor. Something about throwing in spastic mouse squeals in the middle of yelling at the kids that no longer makes you seem scary. I just finished cleaning the living room myself. I could not embarrass myself anymore. I could not even take myself serious.

Brooke found one of Brianna's annoying toys called the Furby which I thought we had gotten rid of long ago. Darn thing never dies. Do you remember these freaking little fur ball things which you are supposed to teach them how to speak english? You have to feed them when they demand and try and comprehend their furbish language. Their eye balls open and close and they snore when they sleep. Well this has become Brooke's new best friend. Not sure if I should be concerned but I guess it is better than an imaginary friend. Anyhow, I think I have finally figured out what language it is that Brooke speaks. Furbish. Her and this Furby have been carrying on long conversations. The conversations are not just one sided. They seem to respond to each other. I am pretty sure they are plotting something. I see them in the corner of the room and the Furby only seems to speak to Brooke when I turn my back. Brooke responds in the same Furbish form and giggles. You might want to pray for me. I am thinking they may be considering an unexpected attack on Mommy. Kind of freaky. That Furby is awfully demanding too. He is always hungry and telling Brooke to play with him. It is almost like Brooke has become the Furby's personal assistant. Brooke has become a slave to the Furby. I guess it is how we teach the children what to expect when you become an adult. If you think about it, we all work for a Furby. Just our Furbys are not cute and cuddly.

Jumping into the Weekend

2008-08-15T22:58:00.007-04:00

Whoa! These picture best explains how I feel about leaving the work week behind! I am ready to relax some. Bring on the weekend! Not many more pool weekends left so I plan to take full advantage of that tomorrow with the babies. Of course the work does not stop when the office hours are closed. The freaking laundry is ridiculous. I am pretty positive that it breeds in the hamper. Noah's football practices have started as well. That is four days during the school week and one game or practice on Saturday. I remember life being a little more relaxing and then I went to sleep one night and the next morning I woke up and found complete chaos took over in my house. The darn weeds in my yard are getting so big they are almost starting to look like dreads. I asked a certain BROTHER - DANIEL to come by and mow and he has yet to make it by! Ah hhhhhhum! Guess his new little girlfriend has him tied up....well hopefully they have not gotten that far yet.Anyhow I am happy for the weekend because the weekdays make me a bit crazy as you see!!

I would like to send a special CONGRATS to a very loved friend of mine, Ms. Amber the one and only #1. I love ya sweets. Cannot wait to meet Evan!! I already got my date. Belle is wearing the tux. ;)

I REST MY CASE!

2008-08-14T16:35:00.003-04:00

This could be completely inappropriate and is likely to be more of a b-i-t-c-h fest than anything. Just bear with me people. If vulgar language or demeaning terminology bothers you then you might want to turn your head (Mother) or put on earmuffs. These types of blogs are the ones that earned me the name HellCat. To all my friends who have been following my outbursts of randomness on Myspace, this rant should feel like home. To those who are just meeting me, welcome to your first Spaz Cat moment. As I mentioned in my “About me”, I am in no way proper, traditional or modest about life or my opinions. I find myself blogging a lot of times to keep from voicing these inappropriate and harsh opinions to the powers that be who sign my paycheck, write me the speeding tickets or put together my burger at McDonald as to keep from having spit in my food. Anyhow, I cannot guarantee that I am always going to be polite or use my inside voice on this or blogs to come. So on to what has really just P-O-ed me today.

I just feel like sometimes in my line of work (I am a paralegal) the only reason that cases go round and round, hundreds of trees are killed and millions of dollars are billed out for case defense is because two attorneys (typically males) have decided to get in a sword match with their penis. Unfortunately in today’s society with the wonderful medications of Viagra, these sword matches can go on forever until they forget what the case was originally over in the first place. If you happen to have a male leading the defense on one end and a female leading the case on the other side than the female seems to strap hers on and continue the case prosthetically (yes I invented that word). It blows my mind the money spent to defend a case which should only pay out a few thousand dollars in damages and the insured spends triple that to defend the case and then still have to pay out the damages! Come on people. Relax some. Maybe we need to start slipping xanax in the attorney’s coffee during mediation and trial. Or just maybe we should hire someone to blow bong hits through the ventilation into a mediation room to calm some of these freaking over driven, coffee for blood, never settle, die hard freaks DOWN!

We need more Keanu Reeves styled attorneys. “Yeah Dude, Whooooaaa! We were totally bogus when completing that retaining wall and caused that gnarly landslide which wiped out your Rad house completely. BUMMER! For sure we should pay to rebuild your Casa and we will throw in a few extra pesos so that you can buy yourself a sick new beach house bro! Deal? Cool!”
See that is how it should be done.

Anyhow this Spaz Cat moment was brought to you because I endured my third freaking paper cut today on a particular case which I know I am going to spend long hours on and it will probably settle the day before. I mean I have been drawing my own blood for this case. Today's paper cut was the mother of all paper cuts! It was in between two fingers. You know where I am talking about that skin that connects the two fingers together. Uh huh! Love it!?? Yup. I know you are cringing right now. While I am thinking about it, we should add this to the list of punishments used for a hostage of war. We need some information out of them. We strap them down to a chair and shine a big ole light in their eyes. They do not give us the answers we need so we take a good sturdy piece of paper and slide it right through the middle of their fingers. Ew! I bet we would find Osama before they got to the index finger! Take my word. I have involuntarily endured three in the last day and I am ready to tell ya where that nut job is located. Whoa. Okay. I jumped tracks here and not really sure what direction my blog train is heading. Anyhow, toodles to all my loves out there!

Please continue your happy reading. I ask that you subscribe to my blog and for goodness sake people ---- SIGN MY DARN GUESTBOOK located to the left.

Love ya!!!

Sorry

2008-08-14T09:46:00.003-04:00

Ahh. Sorry, I had no internet last night. Stupid wireless! It said I was connected but only allowed me temporary access to the internet which meant, um, nothing! Yeah. I almost had a panic attack!

Brooke and I had a busy night. We went over to Kristy's house and enjoyed a visit while I signed up for Market America which is something I am really excited about. I will go further into detail once I know what the heck I am talking about. All I know is I am excited about something that could be awesome but not really sure what that something is and how the awesomeness of it works! Any who, we got home around 10:30 ish and I of course started the routine of laying Brooke in her bed and her bouncing back up for about thirty minutes while I also tried to figure out why the internet was being mean to me and not letting me sign onto my blog! I called it quits around 11 something because I was exhausted and of course Brooke was not giving up and my STUPID internet connection was giving me a big ole negative for entry! I know this blog is not real exciting but it is all I got this morning. I am at the office now and I am supposed to be working but instead I decided to come by and say hi! I promise to put a little more effort into tonight.

Have a good day guys!
xxOOxx

Victory by Default

2008-08-12T22:16:00.005-04:00

Update from last night and what seems to be my every night's battle with Brooke. I started at 8:30 pm with putting Brooke to bed and after I had pretty much wore a trail between my room to Brooke's bed I finally gave up and allowed Brooke the victory. Brooke was quite smug as she waddled past me with a grin on her face and took over my territory aka my freaking (I said freaking MOM) bed around 11:30! I mean honestly I was so tired and did not want to make one more trip between her room and mine. She has even learned stall tactics now. I thought these tricks did not come until later. She seems to be learning them early. She came out a few times with a diaper trying to suggest that she needed a diaper change. She was completely dry. She came out a couple more times with her sippy cup wanting a refill. Her cup was still half full. She came out once with a tag from one of her stuff animal which she felt needed to be thrown away. I mean she was trying anything to get a couple more seconds out of her bed!! I do not need a treadmill in the house because I pretty much cover my light cardio for the day walking between Brooke's room and my own. You have to hand it to the kids, she definitely has determination. I kind of won the battle by default tonight though. She fell asleep before I got her home. I just slipped her butt into her bed quietly. I am actually laying in my own bed and kid free right now. Hmmmm.....I am not sure what to think about not having her toes jammed in my mouth right now or have custody of my own pillow. It is kind of neat!! Sweet Dreams y'all. I think I am going to take advantage of tonight because I am sure she will be ready to battle again tomorrow night.

So Long F-N's

2008-08-11T20:50:00.003-04:00

My Mother has asked me to remove the f-n's and f-bombs from my blogs. She thinks my mouth is too pretty to use those horrible words. With a roll of the eyes (love ya Mom), I have agreed. Even at the age of 29 I do obey my Mother. I promise from here on out to try and NOT throw out an F-N, F-Bomb or a good old fashion F-off but Mommy I cannot promise you there will not be anymore WTF's to explain exactly how I am feeling after something happens. WTF's are essential. I have WTF moments all the time and there is no other way to describe a WTF moment without WTF especially since I have become a parent. My WTF moments have increased drastically on a daily basis. For instance when Brianna decided while peeing on the potty at 2 years old that she wanted to paint her toe nails so she grabbed the Corvette red nail polish from the counter hopped up on the potty like a BIG GIRL and poured the nail polish all over her legs, feet and toilet seat! Considering it was only the second time she had successfully peed in the potty I was torn between scolding her and celebrating with the pee pee in the potty dance! WTF! Oh and there was the time that Noah decided to use the poop in his diaper as war paint on his face and decorated his crib in camouflage poop style. Had his crib been located in a sewer drain I can guarantee that the enemy would have never found his hiding place. WTF!! Oh oh, what about the time that Brianna got a hair bead jammed in her ear canal and we had to take her to the doctor to have it removed. WTF!!! There was that time that Noah wrote a story about me for Mother's Day. It was so sweet. He said I was 17 and worked at a grocery store. He went on to talk about the best meal I cooked was bologna sandwiches and complimented me by saying I was as pretty as a boy. Yeah. I am sure his teachers were kind of curious what type of mother Noah had. Apparently a 17 year old butch looking grocery store worker who could only throw together a sandwich with a meat that really should not be considered meat!! WTF!!!! So you see Mom, as I am sure you completely understand that the WTF is a way of life to me these days. I use it to explain my complete shock, confusion, misunderstanding and when I am not really sure what to do with what I have been handed. It is my way of stalling while deciding what my next move will be. I have to take a moment. I have to register my brain with what exactly has happened. The WTF running through my head is the first signal to my little brain that something not right just happened and I must intervene. It does pop up a lot in my blogs because most of my blogs seem to be about exactly those type of moments!! I never know what these children are going to dish out to me. Now if you excuse me I have to get back to my nightly routine of placing Brooke back in her bed every time she crawls out of it. I am working under strict instructions given from the Nanny 911 television show. According to Ms. Nanny 911, consistency is the darn key and if I continue to do this every time she gets up eventually Brooke will learn that she has to go to bed and stay there. I am pretty sure that Brooke has been taking tips from Brats 911 and they have taught her that if she just keeps getting up over and over again eventually Mommy will break and she will get her way. I am about three weeks into this war and I am holding strong with no plans on surrendering. I will also say that Brooke is holding strong and shows no sign of surrendering either. WTF!!!!!

Sugar Free

2008-08-10T15:57:00.002-04:00

Sooo, Brianna proceeded to inform me that I have a big butt today. It was not in a playful picking manner either. It was in a MOM your butt is taken up too much room on the bed and you need to be told to address this matter immediately manner. I don't think my butt is big but she was pretty sure it was. Thanks dear. I'll get right on that. Hope she realizes that most of her genes come from me and probably what fills her JEANS too and one day she too will be told by her daughter that her butt is too big and taken up too much space on the bed.
Anyhow, about fifteen minutes later I was talking to Noah still laying in the bed and my daughter lost the battle with my butt so she removed herself into her own bed and Noah looked at me with lots of concern in his eyes and said "Mom your eyes are CRACKED". Confused a bit I asked him in the CENSORED versus of WHAT THE F#CK.........and he told me again "your eyes are cracked mom....you should really do something about it." I know I was tired and I am assuming he could have meant blood shot, or maybe I had lines under my eyes and he meant exactly what he said........my eyes were cracked. Heck, I don't know. But of course I changed the subject and after having my self-esteem abused by both of my wonderful kids.........I put them to bed and tucked them in and crawled back into my own bed.

The one thing about children that you can always rely on is the honesty in their comments. They are blunt and don't sugar coat much. Wish we had more of that in the real world. Lots of adults could use a hard lesson of a sugar free life.

R-I-P Godzilla the Godfather Spider

2008-08-08T21:34:00.001-04:00

Holy Smokes!! I almost got ate by a freaking big ole fat juicy spider last night. I am not really sure who was more scared when we met up with each other me or him.

There I was going to finish up one last load of laundry. I opened the door to the laundry room which is this small built on room between the garage and the kitchen. When I did this freaking monster 100 eyed hairy @ss F-N spider came flying under the door into my kitchen. We made eye contact or should I say his 100 eyes made contact with my two eyes and I found out that I can do an amazing back flip onto the counter top when needed. I screamed bloody murder and I am pretty sure he screamed bloody murder. He ran around in a circle for a minute. I could just hear him saying "Hollllly f*ck! That crazy bitch is about to smash me." After about a minute of him running in circles and me randomly screaming to the top of my lungs and curled up in my dish drain on my counter top I noticed my can of ant spray on top of the fridge which was on the other side of Godzilla the spider! Uggg! Really! So, I hopped down into the furthest corner from him. When I did he freaking took off for microwave shelf! Oh no you do not!!! Al-be-damned if you are going to slip into some dark corner in my house only for me to find you again in my bed later!!! Now, this was serious business. It was a race against the spider. Two legs against eight! I had to get that can and spray that hairy little b@stard before he hid from me. He knew it too. "Oh my gaaaaaaaaaad, oh my gaaaaaaaaaadddddddddd!!!!" It was a close call but I got him. The whole time I am spraying I am screaming and jumping in place. As if when I sprayed him he was going to jump in my face and bite me!! I know if you were watching this you would have peed your pants. Finally he rolled into a ball and he was dead! I mean he looked dead. I am hoping he is dead. I went back to the furthest corner of my kitchen and stared at him for a while. I was making sure there was not the slightest movement! The next chore was the get a napkin and flush him to grave! Yeah, sounds easy enough. Nope. Really took me a while to get the guts up to pick him up with the napkin. I expected him to do a Jason – Friday 13th return and get me in the end. Anyhow, after about five minutes of pep talk to myself I finally got the nerve and scooped him up with a napkin. While sprinting to the toilet one of my hairs fell out of my pony tail and touched my neck and of course I screamed and threw the freaking napkin with dead spider in the air and went running into my living room. Eventually I got it together and flushed that freaking nasty ewwy gooey yucky freaking nasty FN creature!! I have the goose bumps now just thinking about it!

Brooke 1 - Mommy 0

2008-08-08T21:06:00.006-04:00

I had to re-post this blog. I remember writing this blog about a year and so ago. It was the first few months of Brooke's life and we were just trying to learn how to get along with each other. I struggled a lot. There is quite an age difference in my older kids and Brooke. I basically learned how to take care of a baby all over again. It was a crash course too! Someone threw me into the deep end with no life jackets. Take goodness I know how to doggie paddle!! :)

Insert flashback music here ****************************************************

Time: Sometime around Spring 2007

Intro: You see a woman curled up in a corner of her bedroom with her arms wrapped around her legs in the upright sitting fetal position. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are red and it is obvious she has had a lack of sleep. There seems to be multiple white and wet stains on her wrinkled holey t-shirt. She is rocking back and forth and quite obviously whimpering.....

"Whimpering!! Yes, I am whimpering!! Please help me. No wait, this is serious!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

"Okay, so I decide to bathe my daughter because I think hygiene is rather important and her stank butt had not been cleaned today. So anyhow. la la la!! I stuck her extra porky chunky butt (who even has fat rolls in her big toes) into the bath. I cleaned her good! I scrub every bit of that child. I put extra effort into removing dry milk, spit up and other substances from certain cracks and rolls that she seems to have. Seriously!! How does a child end up with four fat rolls a piece on her inner thighs?? Anyhow, mission accomplished....child clean and I begin removing her from the bath. We do our little mother daughter bonding talk while I wrap her adorable little chunky head in the towel and carry her into my bedroom and place her on the changing table. As soon as I sit her down on the changing table...........blah....she spits white chunky spoiled milk all down the side of her face, into her ear and down the front of her chest!! Damnit. It is okay though, I can clean this up with some wonderful baby wipes. I begin cleaning up her mess when I notice that that her towel seems extra wet below her bottom and I realize that she just peed and it ran down her bottom to her back and all over the changing table. I am cursing inside my head while I try to remove the towel from underneath my chipmunk cheeked child who is toothlessly grinning at me (she knew what she was doing). I move her over to my bed and as soon as I lay her down on my bed....still diaperless....she spits up again with white chunky milk and it goes down the other side of her face, into her ear and onto my bed!!! LOVELY! So, I grab a wipe and a diaper because at this point she is still free willy, well without the willy (She is a girl, duh!). I start applying the diaper and trying to clean the spit up at the same time and I guess her bladder was extra full today because in the process she began peeing aFREAKINGain!!! Yup...down her back, onto my bed and some on my jeans. You have to be F-N kidding me right? What the freaking dog-gone-it!!! I go to grab her and she spits up again down my shoulder!! Counting to ten, thinking happy thoughts, flowers, butterflies, I do love my child!!!!"

"So, back to the bath!! I think we both need one now. Rinse and repeat right??"

****************************************************************

WHERE ARE WE NOW?????

Well, Brooke and I have learned to get along a bit better. She still seem to run my show most days. I have successfully gotten the bathing process down and now am dealing with the fact that she seems to end up with more water outside our bathtub than inside our bathtub. Honestly I rarely have to mop my bathroom floor anymore because after she soaked it with water and soap then I come along with the towel to clean and dry I have an instant clean floor! You get two in one. Clean baby and bathroom floor! I will take two in one anything with the lack of time I have available these days!

Toodles and goodnight ya'll!

Muah!

xxOOxx

Why is the sky blue?

2008-08-07T21:05:00.000-04:00

I remember when Brianna and Noah were tiny babies...I was so excited for them to say their first words. Then it was putting together those adorable understandable sentences and finally came the questions. When they are small the questions are a little more off the wall and your answers are less likely to warp their little brains. Well, unfortunately the cute days of "mom, why is the sky blue" are behind me and now I am starting to get the "mom, how does a baby get out of your belly." or "mom, how did you have a baby if your not married." and lastly the one that made me choke on my cookie today from Noah was "mom, what is gay?" Apparently, Noah is at the age where the little boys are calling each other gay in after school care. From that Noah and Brianna both have an understanding that being gay is a bad thing. I stood in the kitchen staring at them both trying to figure out how to explain this without stereotyping, misleading or seeming judgmental. Honestly, I still am not sure I addressed it correctly. I simply addressed the meaning of the word first which my elementary school description was when a women loves a women as a girlfriend and/or a man loves a man as a boyfriend. You could imagine the reaction from them both. I did not have a clue how else to describe it. I also did not want to come off like I was insulting the situation either. Wow, seriously....they need to provide classes for us parents on these questions. Anyhow, so Noah's next question was how come everyone is not gay and like that........Brianna's response was "because we are lucky". I guess I have to take into perspective the immaturity level of their brains at this moment and how this seems out of the ordinary to the conventional man/women relationships that they have been subject too. I think I handled it okay but cannot believe how choked up I got and lost for words. It would be so much easier to not address the situation and allow the world to address it for me but in my opinion that is the problem with a lot of relationship with parents and kids. The lines of communication starts younger then most realize. Allowing them to feel comfortable asking me all these uncomfortable questions is something I truly feel is important. Not to mention I am not sure I want to allow some of the ignorant people of this world help corrupt my children's brains. I would rather leave the corruption up to me. I mean isn't that the fun part of having a kid. You get one of your own to corrupt!!!! ;0)

So, we got passed that one and a while later Brianna is holding Brooke and thought because she was crying that she might be sick. She starts thinking and realizes you cannot really take the baby temperature in their mouth........so with a concerned look on her face she asks "mom, how do you take a babies temperature." I enjoyed answering this one. "IN THE BUTT". Of course she responded "Oh my GOD, did you do that to me." and I grinned "YUP!".

The Stink Eye

2008-08-06T21:30:00.003-04:00

Free Lessons offered for a limited time!!!

It is rather effective when used to warn a husband that he is skating on thin ice and he is about to lose his nuggets, give the child a warning that the bomb inside Mommy is about to blow in 3-2-1 seconds and they should run for their life, warn a crazy driver that he better get off your flipping @rse before you slam the brakes and make him eat your tail for lunch or to tell a co-worker to stick that in their juice box and suck it. I do not recommend attempting the stink eye without stink eye professional supervision and training. The stink eye can be more powerful then you could ever imagine and could cause harm to an innocent bystander if it is used improperly.

Disclaimer: The Stink Eye trainers are not responsible if your face gets stuck like that (as warned by Mother) and if you develop unwanted wrinkles due to over use of the stink eye. The stink eye can become addictive and if you feel you are overusing your stink eye you should seek professional help or contact your local Stink Eye Anonymous.

Amber Alert

2008-08-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

Humph!

Ok, someone send out an Amber Alert.
Missing.....Timewarner Digital Remote Control....black with some red, yellow and blue buttons. Likely covered in baby drool and baby biscuits dried to the side of it. Last seen in my livingroom on my coffee table sometime this weekend.

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Seriously, it is gone. I have flipped every cushion (found $1.43 cents - yoo hoo) and looked under both the couches (apparently my kids have ate about a hundred tootsie rolls and thrown the wrappers under there), checked the bathroom, my bedroom, the kids room and even the fridge (WHAT, you never know with me) and cannot find it. I refuse to turn the t.v. on until I have the flipping thing. What is the point? I do not have the channels memorized these days and I cannot push the guide button without the remote to look up the channels. It is too much to ask to sit down on a Sunday evening, pick up my slobbery remote (thanks Brooke) and turn on the t.v. with my feet proped up on my coffee table (a/k/a bench for kitchen table, don't ask) and flip through the channels I pay for after I have put my spawns to bed (Brianna, Noah and Brooke)?

Shower War Zone

2008-08-05T21:10:00.002-04:00

So let me set the mood for you!!

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SHOWER time!! Oh yeah, you know the time. It is SHOWER time. Most woman's favorite time of the day. The time that you get to step into a room, close the door to the outside world and soak in some yummy aroma from Bath and Body Works to try and lift the day away. There are days that you NEED that shower more than others. Not because you are dirtier than the day before but because the events of the day have weighed you down and wore you out more than the day before. Because you need that steam from the hot hot shower to wash away all the demands from work, home, bills, the kid's school, ex's, the car maintenance that is needed, the yard that has to be mowed, the dishes that you cannot seem to keep clean and the damn laundry that I swear is breeding as we speak in the laundry hamper. The only thing that seems to make all those things manageable is the joy of knowing at some point during that day you get to hide behind that curtain and let the warm water run down your face and soak your hair! For us ladies, our showers seem to take longer because we have the wonderful added chore of shaving. You can go ahead and add it to the list of things we have to get done for the day. It is a nuisance but dealable because we get to do it in the shower! :) Ahhhh! The warm, hot steamy shower. Some of my lady friends have even been smart enough to buy the detachable massaging shower heads. Hmmmmm. Could someone add that to my Christmas list?? Hmmmmm. Oh, yeah back to shaving. The wonderful task of shaving. So, here you are in your warm hot steamy shower. Did I mention it was warm, hot and steamy? Anywho, you have your razor? CHECK! You have your shaving gel (or if you are out, you have your soap, shower gel, shampoo or any other sudsy substance?) CHECK! So, you are ready to go. Now....here comes the fun part. How on earth do you get situated in the shower so that you can sud your legs and keep them sudded (forseriously, is that a word?) while the water is running. Somehow you manage to concoct and contort your legs, arms and back in such a manner that your left arm is blocking the shower water (warm, hot and steamy) while your right leg is propped on slippery shower wall and you are balancing on your left foot. Ladies, you know this position all so well. If you do some research on Yoga you will find that this is where Yoga was first created. By a women who was placed in a teany tiny shower and desperately needed to shave her legs. Ok, ok, sorry I left you standing there on one foot........where were we? So, you got it? You ready to start shaving now? So, go ahead and apply the shaving gel to that right leg. Great, you got it sprayed on the leg. Oh shit. Uhhh! Ok, here is the part where you realize you cannot reach any where to put the damn shower gel down so you strategically drop the gel in the bottom of the shower where it can hopefully be collected quickly if needed AND without hitting your left foot which is right now holding the weight of your whole body and has started turning some odd blue purplish color. So, got your razor? Lets start. Most women start at their ankles and work their way up. Nice and easy, nice and slow and easy. Looking good. Feeling better and not so much like the Bigfoot's sister. Now we get to the difficult part. The damn boney knee! This one takes concentration and some angling skills. You almost got it though. Real close and then all of a sudden you hear......................................................MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

The bathroom door comes flying open slamming into the wall. Both kids come running in screaming about the other calling them a dookie face. Your razor slips and puts about a half inch gauge in your knee. You scream! Your left foot goes flying out from under you. Your right leg is now up in the air pointing directly at the ceiling. Can you see this in slow mo? Your hands grab the shower curtain as if that rod could seriously hold all your body weight. Your left hand is desperately searching for something, please god something to cling to but unfortunately it slips off everything it is grabbing. Your head barely misses the shower faucet, oh thank goodness, there is a god!!! Right? Well, remember the shower gel you dropped a little earlier? Oh yeah! The wonderful triple action moisturizing for sensitive skin with a wonderful coconut smell and a pretty pretty pink color? Well, you land nicely on it with your bum!!! The shower curtain rod breaks.....and of course lands on your head. The shower is still running. Your knee is bleeding. You have little birds flying around your head chirping and the kids are wrestling at the bathroom door because one of them looked at the other one wrong. You hear the baby wake up and start screaming from the bedroom and guess what. You have one leg shaved and the other one still hairy!!

Hmmmm.....shower time! It has a different meaning these days as a single mom. It has gone from a wonderful relaxing escape from the world to a war zone where you have to use a 2 in 1 shampoo because there is no time for both shampooing and conditioning, while you are brushing your teeth (multitasking!!!), sometimes the 2 in 1 shampoo doubles as a body wash as well, all in the five minutes of luke warm water that the children left you after their bath. As for shaving the legs? Well, to be honest. You are a single mother of three kids. Maybe hairy legs would do you some good. Maybe hairy legs will assure you not to be a single mom of four kids. Maybe you should have never started shaving in the first place!